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Hang on to your spleens, people. This one is amazing. Let’s jump right in.

Model House!

The models return from Lacey’s triumphant win. Her picture has “BEAUTIFUL” and “YOU SOLD ME THE FANTASY” written across it, which enhances the image just about as much as you think it does.

I am more verbally oriented than most, but I don’t understand the recent Top Model WORDS ON ALL THE THINGS obsession. It feels like someone who doesn’t actually understand how hashtags or memes or computers work or… Oh. Got it.

Lacey’s #TyTyTip is that Lacey is too sleazy when she tries to be sexy. Oh, dear. We’ve heard this critique in cycles past, and I think even in regard to a virgin before, but I am not going to look it up because it feels like I will be crossing an important line in the life choices department. It’s also an obvious reference to how the Cathars had a vastly different view of Mary Magdalene than mainstream Christians, but I don’t need to tell you that.

Anyway, it’s a concern, because the “too sexy” critique functions like the “no personality” one: It’s something the judges can pull out of their butts any time they want to eliminate someone and don’t have a bad photo to point to. Keep that too-smart head down, Lacey!

Lacey, not seeing this potential freight train coming, says she’s excited that she’s won so many things lately. She does feel the eyes of Courtney, Devin, and Bello on her – she says they’ve all been struggling.

Mikey and Devin, the DM of DMA, stare at a pretty picture of the recently ousted Ashley that has apparently been posted just to torment them. Mikey says that she and he had been getting close. (And now that she’s gone, who will he alternately romance and neg?) Devin notes that Ashley leaving is kind of a blow to DMA. Well, yes. She was a third of you. He and Mikey will take comfort in each other as DM.

Devin says that his birthday is in two days, and reflects on how much he has grown and matured since the start of the show. No, he isn’t kidding. He says he started out wild, but now he knows not to be a caricature. But he’s still crazy! Oof.

Bello talks to Courtney and Hadassah, asking Courtney if she thinks that now that Ashley’s gone, this is her time to “shine” with Mikey. What the fuck, Bello? I know you didn’t miss the part where Mikey was being a colossal dick to Courtney because you were right there. You rushed in to help, for chrissakes. Friends do not encourage their friends to hook up with dirtbags. Courtney giggles like a schoolgirl at the notion because apparently none of these people has ever seen a Lifetime movie.

Bello says he was Courtney’s biggest cheerleader, but now he needs to be his own cheerleader. He’s tired of hovering in the middle of the pack. Wait, does this mean he’s deliberately pointing her at someone who will break her spirit? I don’t think he’s actually that diabolical, but I do think his plan to divert her could be horribly effective.

Courtney says she doesn’t know if she’ll move into the newly empty bed between Devin and Mikey. Courtney. Girl. There are so many reasons not to do this. She admits to a little crush on Mikey, because he “helped” her so much. Courtney wonders if DMA will turn to DMC.

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This is like when you’re watching a horror movie and the family won’t pack their damn suitcases and get out of the house.

Courtney skips – No, really, she skips – into the room where Devin and a French-braided Mikey are eating. She says she’s wearing Hadassah’s dress and Devin says, in the most condescending tone of voice possible, “Oh, that looks good on you. You’re trying!” For some reason, Courtney does not tell Devin to go fuck himself in the ear, and instead does some more self-conscious skipping around their table saying she feels pretty. Someone get the Amys Poehler and Schumer to helicopter her out of there and teach her some self esteem.

Mikey, ever the gallant one, interviews that it’s really obvious that Courtney likes him, but, for the record, they’re just friends, and Courtney should not get it twisted. I have a feeling he’ll change his tune if his status drops in the house, but for now he feels pretty comfortable assuming that he’s above her.

Courtney wonders where all the chairs are. The answer is just a few feet away, in plain sight, and she goes to get one. Devin interviews that Courtney is like a little sister, but he’s worried that Courtney will pull him and Mikey down because she’s not sane and together enough. The Angel of Self-Awareness gives up and sells her wings to a passerby. Mikey and Devin leave while Courtney is getting a chair to sit with them because they are assholes.

Courtney says she gets the feeling that they don’t like her. Courtney. They’re behaving like dung balls and they haven’t earned all that smug they’re wrapped in. Someone teach her to spot the difference between a guy who is actually great and a guy who has merely decided that he is. And also to enjoy her own company. For real, Courtney, there is a world of non-jerks out there.

Hadassah is doing some re-evaluating of how people treat her as well. Specifically, she feels like Bello, her closest friend in the house, likes it best when she’s fighting with someone else. Holy crap, you guys, is Bello a mastermind who has been playing us all? Bello sits alone in the Jacuzzi, plotting his next move and wondering what he will do tomorrow to make us think he’s lightly crazy again.

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Hadassah interviews that Bello has told her about his strategies with the other people in the house – and this makes her wonder if he has a strategy with her. Hadassah, please, please have a sit-down with Courtney.

Bello hates being in the middle of the pack, but revels in the 10 Tyra gave him last week. He says he gave up everything to be here and has no problem speaking his mind. We flash back to some of Bello’s weirdest hits.

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He says he’s here for the title and – Yes! Here it is! – he is Not Here to Make Friends. Bello, grabbing a champagne flute on his own, affirms that he is the man to watch out for.

Credits!

You guys, Top Model moves to Friday nights next week! I’m going to miss explaining to people why I’m a haggard mess who yells in a presentational manner instead of having normal human conversations on Thursday mornings.

Mikey says that before Ashley left, she somehow got him to think about starting over and being a better guy. He admits that losing his mind and screaming at Bello for requesting that Mikey and Ashley not sexbump his bed all night was maybe not the best call. He says he should try talking instead of blowing up.

Apparently, Mikey’s new better persona is condescension – he tells both Bello and Hadassah that he’s seen them changing, but then does switch into some form of recognition that maybe he is part of the problem. I’m having trouble focusing because Mikey seems to be wearing a baseball cap that is made out of stegosaurus, but points for trying.

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Bello calculates pi to the trillionth place in his head while he pretends to listen and nod. Mikey says he’s starting over and re-introduces himself to Bello and Hadassah. Hadassah says she needs to be open to people growing and changing. Bello jokingly says “I can’t stand him,” then heads to the basement to continue his work on growing a homunculus.

Model Bus!

If it’s wrong to love the Model Bus, I don’t want to be right. This time it whisks the models (and us) to Panorama High School, or rather to a tent just outside it. The tent is full of clothing and accessories and Miss J.

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She says that a stylist will give the models a little extra “zhuzhing,” making me miss Carson Kressley from Queer Eye with the ferocious howling of a thousand hurricanes. Why can’t he guest?

Miss J. says the models need to look extra smart. Hmm.

Nyle gets complimented on his look and happily signs that he thinks he’s doing great. Oh, holy eye wash stations, we’re in the high school lab. There are some pointlessly bubbling colored liquids and – Whoa! – some actual students. The science students… Are girls. Is your mind blown yet? Tyra has a video message for the models and girls because she apparently does not wish to set foot in a science lab.

Tyra, who has not bothered to physically show up, says that STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) is really important to her. And to her and the producers’ credit, she further explains that getting more girls and young women interested and established in STEM fields would be a big step towards evening out gendered pay disparities. (Not a complete solution, no, but a step.)

The challenge today is to make a PSA to get more girls interested in STEM subjects and oh, god, I am already rendered so unspeakably happy by this that you will have to excuse me while I go outside and run around for a while. I shall leap from rooftop to rooftop shouting my joy down through the chimneys and up to the heavens. This is going to be ten kilograms of amazing stuffed into a five-kilogram bag.

The models are told to use their modeling superpowers to inspire. Lacey is really happy that this challenge will allow her to be a role model for girls. BE CAREFUL, LACEY. Oh, the perils of being discovered as The Smart One. Bello, knowing this, keeps his trap shut as he makes up droll limericks about the periodic table.

Oh, wait. Tyra forbid they should do anything actually useful. The challenge is to inspire young women in the space of a six-second Vine. BECAUSE SOCIAL MEDIA, THAT’S WHY. Oh, this is going to be delightfully batshit.

The models will be judged by the adolescent girls in the room. This will maybe not be a huge life shift for them. Also on the scene is Brittany Furlan, who either has 8.9 million Vine followers or 9.4 million, depending on whether you believe Miss J. or Brittany’s clip. Nyle says she’s funny, but she speaks a lot in her Vines, apparently in a way that isn’t very conducive to lip reading. Nyle wants to work on effective messages without speaking.

The models will be making their videos on their stupid stupid product placement phones of stupid stupidness. They’ll be “paired up” in groups of three (Math!), as determined by an extremely scientific fistful of tongue depressors. Which is an interesting choice, because I don’t think anyone’s tongue will know the true meaning of depression until it has gotten a load of these Vines.

Mikey, Mamé, and Hadassah are the red team. Red for “respect,” Miss J. tells us. Mamé says she and Hadassah “just stopped quarrelling,” so this should be interesting. Hadassah looks at her red stick like it has a slug writhing on it.

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Blue is “power.” What? Bello interviews that he’s with Courtney and Devin, both of whom have proven to be completely suckola at acting. It’s tough to blame him for being bummed out.

Yellow is for money. Really? Nyle is thrilled to be on a team with Justin and Lacey. He’s done well with both of them in challenges before, and Nyle interviews that both Justin and Lacey take time to communicate with him, confirming that in spite of their recent epiphany, some people in the house are still being jerkballs about talking to him.

They have one hour. GO!

Team Money wants to get their message across whether you can hear or not. Brittany comes over to talk to them, and then comes over and says the same thing again six seconds later. Their concept is that Nyle and Justin are (sexist) businessmen, and Lacey decides that she’ll study.

Team Respect does not have a concept that they can clearly articulate. You can see Brittany Furlan quietly evaluate both their chances and her entire life path up to this moment as Hadassah tries to explain something about desks and studying.

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Respect! Brittany has concerns. They cheerfully tell Brittany that they will be explaining statistics in six seconds. Brittany is trying to gently nudge them away from this plan, with about the level of success that you would expect. Her interviews are hilarious as she tries to be polite but also convey that there is no alternate universe in which anything they are thinking about will look even remotely coherent.

Team Power hits a little close to home with a concept of Devin and Bello bullying Courtney, and then Courtney saying she’ll use STEM to show them. Devin says it’s a good idea. Holy crap, Courtney says she was physically bullied, including being pulled up the stairs by her hair. She says she made it through, but it was hard.

Brittany is impressive – she’s giving Team Power some practical advice on how to shoot. Yu Tsai, are you watching this part? Brittany says that Team Power hadn’t used Vine before, but she thinks they’ll get a good six seconds. We see Bello filming Devin throwing a backpack at Courtney and screaming at her.

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Are the producers trying to get her to have an actual breakdown or what?

Justin interviews that Team Money decided to make their Vine completely silent even though they know it’s a risk. Honestly, that’s pretty cool to take a gamble that big to make sure Nyle’s concerns are met. He’s confident, though.

Team Respect has settled on Mikey trying to distract girls from their studies. Mamé says they’re all working well together.

Mikey snots that Bello, Devin, and Courtney are an awkward group, and he knows form experience how much it sucks to be with Courtney. I hope Courtney gets to be his direct supervisor in their next life.

Devin says that in the final scene, Courtney has all the power. She slams a briefcase shut and cracks Devin up. Courtney, however, is not doing herself any favors. It’s a video about girls in STEM fields, so Courtney has to be the one who ends up with the power, as both guys keep explaining.

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But Courtney keeps whining that she’s not a powerful person and can’t do what they all need. OK, yes, that has to be maddening. Bello says Courtney complains instead of trying. …On the other hand Bello is trying, but also accidentally deleting their footage. Whoopsie! Three minutes remain in the challenge.

Bello and Devin’s shorts fill as they realize the video is really gone. Devin, who was in the bottom two last week, is pissed. Bello says they can just start again. They sprint back to the start! Bello says he’s frustrated. We’re reminded that he came to Los Angeles with nothing. And for some reason, Bello’s frustration is focused on Courtney even though he’s the one who just screwed them. Really, Bello? Did the magical product-placement phones not have an “Are you sure you want to delete this?” warning, or is it possible that you may have somehow contributed to the situation?

Bello says he’s here to make this one shot count as his team tries to re-do their video sequences in just one take. Courtney, who did not erase their footage, apologizes to the guys as their time runs out.

Back in the classroom, Miss J. tells us that the young women in the lab will determine which team makes them want to pursue STEM studies. Or at least which team does not make them want to immediately give up on everything and keen softly into the empty, unfeeling void.

Lacey says she knows her Vine will appeal to an older audience, but you never know with kids.

Their Vine is… okay. It’s the guys with money and a “Boys rule, girls drool” sign, but then Lacey studies and then she throws money in the air and the boys are sad.

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One girl in front totally gets it, though saying “because of STEM, look who has the money now.” Well done, Team Money. I guess. The girls say that they all look like models, and it’s different than how you usually think of money. They like Lacey’s sass.

Team Power’s video is essentially the same concept, but executed a little more haphazardly. It’s Courtney getting mocked, and then opening a briefcase and saying what is supposed to be “STEM! Look who has the power now!” But it’s delivered as “Stem, look who has the power now.” The girls are puzzled by it. The girls call it loud and not a good delivery of the message. Brittany agrees. Because there’s no transition between Courtney being yelled at and then having a briefcase full of money, she says the video looks like a bad drug deal. Heh.

Team Respect also seems to have missed a few key bullet points. Mikey says “You’re too pretty to study,” and both women say “Ew!” and Mikey says “What’d I do?” and the women, again in unison, say “It’s called respect!”

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Then Mikey, on his knees, cries out “Tutor me!” Or really he says “Tudor me,” perhaps to work in some bonus history points. He might as well, since the video has nothing whatsoever to do with STEM.

The girls, however, like that it shows the women not playing dumb and that it’s funny. Brittany says Team Respect surprised her and did a great job. No. No, they did not. They are the kids who didn’t read the whole assignment.

But nobody except Team Money read the whole assignment, and so Team Respect wins. It is so transcendently perfect that Top Model would reward the video to encourage girls to get into STEM fields that never even tangentially mentions STEM fields. If I may switch from STEM into alchemy for a moment, it is the quintessence of ANTM. (And also we needed Nyle, Justin, and Lacey to not win in order to keep things interesting. Not that such a thing would ever be a factor in the show’s decision-making.)

Bello accurately points out that Team Respect didn’t actually get the STEM story. And then he takes a hard left into Delusionville as he explains that even though he deleted their video with only three minutes left, it is still Courtney’s fault that they lost. When Courtney goes Carrie, Bello is getting his head exploded.

The challenge scores are up. Since there are only three teams, the lowest challenge score is an eight, but Devin is still pissed that he has one. Bello is pissed too, and a newly suspicious Hadassah decides to skip boosting his self-esteem and revel in her win.

Courtney, who did not erase her team’s entire video with only three minutes left, decides to throw Devin a birthday party as an apology. Oh, Courtney. Devin is happy with his party and to be turning 22 on Cycle 22. Nyle signs to a group of models who are completely uninterested in figuring out what he has to say that it’s time to sign “Happy Birthday.” He thinks it will be fun. But why should the models want to learn anything, especially about someone they live and work with? STEM! Nyle interviews that he would appreciate it if these people would just learn a few basic signs. Good luck with that, Nyle.

Everyone completely resists Nyle’s good-natured attempt to teach them the signs, and then they all react like goddamned seals when he says “happy birthday” out loud. Nyle is pretty exhausted with them all being assholes all the time. His choices are to be excluded or to stop the whole party to say “please communicate with me.” Nyle does not choose the second one, because he is literally the only person in the house who can stop and think about another person’s feelings.

Devin takes Nyle’s phone – his only way to communicate with these scrotal sacs most of the time – and starts taking selfies with it. Lacey interviews that she thinks Devin had Nyle’s phone, rendering Nyle unable to talk to the group or know what was going on, for a good 20 minutes. Devin is, you will be astonished to learn, delighted with his wonderful self as he does this.

Nyle can’t believe that Devin yoinked his phone and isn’t even trying to communicate with him while he does it, so he walks out of the party. We hear one of the women wonder where Nyle went, but that seems to be the only moment of concern as the hearing models all get ‘faced. Nyle interviews that it’s frustrating to keep trying to make inroads and get zero effort back.

An indeterminate amount of time later, Devin and Courtney are leaning on Nyle as he writes them a note.

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He says he’s tired of not knowing what’s going on and he feels drained. Courtney talks to the others about not including Nyle from a position where he can’t see her face to read her lips. Criminy. Mamé interviews that they sometimes don’t realize how much they cut him off and signs “I’m sorry.”

Model Bus Redux!

Oh, lord. We arrive to see Tyra posing as a life-sized doll. Her box says TyTy Biz Banks, because she is a Serious Businesswoman. A Serious Businesswoman who is wearing a Serious Business Ensemble that includes hot pants. Thank you for continuing to lead and inspire girls, Ms. Banks.

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The models are so very happy to catch Tyra in the very act of modeling! Lacey says she would buy that doll, who wouldn’t? Lacey is pretty damn savvy about what she wants Tyra to see in the dailies.

Yu Tsai says they’re all going to get to be life-sized dolls and the photographer is going to be Erik Asla, who seems a little sheepish about being here yet again.

Tyra says this shoot is inspired by Life-Size, a (TV) movie in which Tyra plays a living fashion doll and oh my god, you guys, how have we not all seen this movie?!

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A quick Google tells us that it has a 48% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and 5.6 out of 10 stars on IMDb. It was made in 2000 and stars a young Lindsay Lohan. Every last model except Nyle acts like they screen it thrice daily before meals. Hadassah doubles down and says it was her favorite movie. She says she also has over 300 dolls. Holy crap.

Tyra says doll modeling is very technical. First, do not give dead-eye, you monster. Tyra explains that you need a wide-eyed smize. I triple-dog dare you to use the wide-eyed smize the next time you are paying for groceries. The next important thing is that your eyes must follow the movement of your head instead of looking to the side. And finally, your joints: They must be kept in an Altoids container that’s marked with nail polish so you don’t confuse it with your actual Altoids. No, wait, sorry. Tyra says you must isolate your joints like you’re doing the robot. Yu Tsai helps her demonstrate.

You probably thought this show couldn’t get more mind-blowingly awesome, but, much like Team Respect, you were wrong. Each model will get a theme doll, the name of which the producers chose under the influence of – this is just an estimate – no fewer than four shots of Russian vodka and a turkey platter full of shrooms.

Nyle: Boom Boom Bon Voyage Doll.

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Hey. HEY. GET BACK HERE. You knew what you might be getting into when you started this, and you will be a better person if you get through it. Though you may want to bite down on a leather strap and hum songs of inspiration. That’s how I made it through.

Are you in position? Have a friend slap you and douse you with buckets of ice water as needed. Let’s resume.

Lacey: TYRA Taught Me Tooch Doll. You haven’t absorbed the full amazingness of this one until you see that “Tyra” is spelled with the loop of the R turned into a belashed eye. (Yes, bystanding friend, ice water now.)

Justin: Booch ‘n’ Baller Doll.

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Yu Tsai helpfully reminds us all that a booch is a boy tooch. Then both Tyra and Yu Tsai do baller gestures that shame us all.

Mamé: Werk the Hallway, Like a Runway Doll. sic. Sic, sic, sic. This one is so thoroughly formed in another dimension that Tyra has to explain that it means Mamé is a doll of a new model who has just been signed to an agency. She does not explain the errant comma, so we must assume that it is there to break us. Don’t give in! Don’t let her do this to you. We must be strong.

Bello: Ugly Pretty Punk Doll. Tyra says that his doll should talk with an English accent and then does one that encompasses like eight dialects in three words. Bello says “OK, dahling,” in his poshest British accent, so, yes, this will make the Sex Pistols proud.

Courtney: Fierce Fashionista Doll.

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Courtney says she doesn’t know what that is, but she knows what fashion is, so she figures it’s good.

Devin: H2T-eed Up Doll. He is one of those high-fashion golf dolls you’re always seeing. Karma is swift and she is merciless.

Hadassah: Flawsome Free Spirit Doll.

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Aww, I bet this was picked out for Ava at one point. Hadassah has spent all her pageant training keeping herself tightly tightly tightly controlled, so this should be a fun one.

Mikey: Savage Smize Doll. Wow.

Mikey counsels Devin to do well because he got a low challenge score and doesn’t want to be in the bottom again. He’s a strategist, that Mikey. Nyle says Devin doesn’t really have to try because he’s already signed with six agencies as a backup, but he isn’t learning and growing.

Nyle is outfitted in the worst fake skin-tight Bermuda shorts ever. In spite of his cruel wardrobe, he says he wants to be a threat. He also says he wouldn’t change a thing about himself, and definitely wouldn’t change being deaf.

Hadassah is totally dressed like Ava, right down to the flowered headband. Yu Tsai wants her to leap, which makes no sense because she is standing in a box. She is incredibly stiff, but says she knows from dolls. Yu Tsai seems impressed. Lacey shows us her Barbie hands as the others practice robot moves.

Courtney tells us that she didn’t do well during the challenge yesterday. The producers have decided to soothe her by dressing her as Spikulene, the Bondage Princess from Planet Nibiru. Courtney is doing none of the things anyone has talked about for looking like a doll and doesn’t know what a fashionista is. Yu Tsai smells blood in the water and just starts yelling at Courtney and doing everything he can to make her feel stupid. Hey, Yu Tsai! You just bullied and shamed a woman who you know has zero self-esteem on national television. Are you feeling good about yourself today?

Devin says this is getting awkward, though not with any actual empathy, and Courtney admits to never having seen any edition of Vogue. Psst. Courtney. In some parts of the world, this is a badge of honor.

Yu Tsai tells Courtney that he wants her to have the most amazing picture, then runs to the interview camera to tattle to us how pathetic she is for not knowing the word “fashionista.” One of the editors has had enough of Yu Tsai too, for we immediately cut to Courtney talking about being a second mother to her disabled younger brother, which maybe takes up some of her magazine-perusing time, and also she hasn’t had the spare cash for Italian fashion magazines. But why cut her slack when you can pile on with the cool kids, right, Yu Tsai?

Also, Yu Tsai, when someone doesn’t know a word, a thing you can do to actually help is to explain what it means instead of spending 20 minutes being fake-shocked that they don’t know it. But whatever. After Yu Tsai’s completely unhelpful screeching, we pretend that he has done anything at all and he says Courtney gets the shot. Ugh.

Lacey us dressed in canary yellow and given a Tyra-esque wig. Mamé immediately sees the significance of this and gives Lacey the Cursing Stare of Death Boredom. Lacey says everyone is staring at her because they want her to screw up and suck. Nyle says she’s a real threat. Everyone’s eyeball rays bounce right off her.

Mamé is given a stupid product placement phone for her shot. Feh. Mikey is dressed as A Man Who Does Not Want to Be on Safari.

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It’s not good. Justin is in a hilarious silver vest and pants cut from the belly of Mikey’s stegosaurus.

OH MY GOD. Devin is dressed like no golfer ever. Or maybe like one of the minor evil golfers in an 80’s slobs-vs.-snobs golf movie. No, not Caddyshack. The movie that would get made if someone were trying to rip off Caddyshack and Pretty in Pink at the same time, with plenty of makeup but very little other budget. It is marvelous. THE KNEE SOCKS! SWEET DIVOTING JESUS, DID YOU SEE THE KNEE SOCKS?!

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Bello is, of course, not punk, but Fake Punk. His weave has been combed up into the hairdo that the lead singer from Bow Wow Wow used to have, and I heartily approve. Though we will all quietly note that Bow Wow Wow was not a punk band. You know that one very safe “punk” store in your city that all the suburban teenagers used to go into to look at Doc Martens, overpriced steel jewelry, and pins with smutty slogans on them? Bello looks like he blew his entire allowance AND birthday money there. It’s adorable. Hadassah says Bello is struggling, probably because he’s been concentrating on whipping up household drama instead of his modeling skills.

Skull mail!

Bello, totally shit-stirring, asks Hadassah what it felt like to be in the bottom two. She says it feels great, because she’s still here. Good answer, Hadassah. Mikey, Devin, and Courtney sit in a hot tub watching the sunset. Mikey whispers “DMA,” because yikes. He says it was legendary and fist-bumps Devin, apparently with the sole purpose of being mean to Courtney. Courtney is aware that DMC is not happening. Courtney doesn’t understand Not Being Here to Make Friends because she does want friends.

Devin says it’s hard to guess who’s getting eliminated because it’s not just scores, it’s about growth, and anybody could be on the bottom two. Fore!

Panel!

Good lord, Bello is wearing a head wrap turban from a 1930s movie, probably The Women. Which I thought would be the most amazing fashion moment of the episode until WHAT IS KELLY CUTRONE WEARING ON HER FEET? They seem to be black moccasins with red and yellow designs, which, fine, but then the soles are inches thick. It’s like someone decided to marry the moccasin and the moon boot and for some reason good people stood by and did nothing.

Even more shocking, tonight will be a double elimination. Holy biscuits, you guys, this week’s show is a jackpot. Everyone looks scared.

Nyle looks so hot in his photo that Miss J. needs some water. Kelly tries to be skeptical once or twice, but she is shouted down. Justin, having taken a page from the Be Like Tyra playbook is wearing a shirt and jacket with hot pants. I am not kidding. Tyra loves it and Miss J. loves Justin’s legs. Whatever weird bro thing they were going for with his picture, the judges all like it.

Courtney has crazy smoky Egyptian eye makeup today and of course Devin did it for her. Tyra accuses him of trying to get her eliminated. Oh, dear, they picked a wretched shot of her. Tyra decides to Vogue shame Courtney again for good measure. Kelly says Courtney will have a disadvantage against the 5’11” models, so she needs to go the extra distance with knowledge. OK, see? That’s how you give someone some actual practical advice.

Mikey looks boring, but Kelly says it’s an Indiana Jones-Brad Pitt moment. No. No, it is not. I don’t know what they’re saving Mikey for, but it had better be good. Tyra says his film was bad and Mikey only had a few shots to choose from, while Nyle had a bunch of good film.

Bello is working the eyes in his shot. They call him androgynous and not ugly-pretty. Tyra says she was looking for “subtle” ugly pretty punk, because of course. Hadassah has pretty skin but a frozen face. She’s skating past it this week because they’re gunning for a storyline.

Lacey they love. It’s Kelly’s favorite picture of the season. Watch out, y’all.

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Devin’s shot actually looks pretty good, especially given all that he has to fight against with his makeup and wardrobe, but they tell him his golfer doll is “too human.” Wow, they are really throwing this one. Oh, and also his golfer is too fierce, which is probably a reasonable thing to say, but it’s also one of those things where also they could have claimed that his golfer was not fierce enough for fashion if he had gone the other way. I’m no fan of the way Devin has been behaving, but this is pretty damn shady. Which is what classic Top Model judging was always about, so let us rejoice.

Mamé looks like a babysitter, not a model. Also her knees are locked. Miss J. does some comedy about being on the phone with one’s knees locked. It feels pretty specific.

Elimination!

Nine models! SEVEN photos! Damn.

Best performance: Lacey! Again! Daaaaaaaaamn!

Runner up: Nyle! Well, well. Look who is, in fact, a threat. Then we have:

Justin

Mikey

Hadassah

Mamé

And as we knew they would be, Bello, Courtney, and Devin are in the bottom three. Three models! One photo! This is a barn-burner, y’all. Courtney has raw talent. But does she have strength? Devin has poses, but can he resist being a goof? Bello is accused of fading. What? He got a 10 last week.

Courtney is the first one going home. Well, at least they’ll stop tormenting her for 30 seconds. Is everyone at ANTM proud of the lessons you taught about how you can bully and pick on someone while not actually ever getting called out on it? Courtney is sad and, of course, blames herself. Keep on walking until you find people who aren’t jerks to you, Courtney. They’re out there.

And now it is the Bello-Devin standoff we’ve all been waiting for. Who has more potential? Who stays and who goes?

Whoa! Devin stays in because he is a more reliable fountain of nutsiness has more potential. Oh, dear. Where is your Machiavellian plotting now, Bello?

Tyra tells Devin to pull away from the crazy but not lose the fire.

Tyra also tells Bello to have fire and find his passion. Bello calls bullshit on the notion that he has no passion and says that if there is ever a comeback cycle, he’s coming. Bello says he’s sorry, he just can’t, and peaces out without hugging anyone.

Tyra says “That was a little different” to lighten the mood and that trickle of awkwardness is what we end on.

God, I don’t know how we could possibly top this week, but we’re given footage of next week nevertheless:

It’s go-see week! And the models are paired up with… Courtney and Bello and Ava and someone else! Bello is back already. And he and Hadassah are officially in a fight. A hot tub fight!

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I don’t know how we’re going to be able to wait until next week; probably by replaying this magical episode over and over and writing epic songs about it. However we manage it – and we must manage it – I’ll see you there.

The post America’s Next Top Model Cycle 22 Episode 8: Beyond The Valley Of The Runway Of The Dolls appeared first on Bitter Empire.

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