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OK. So. It’s the “Finale,” only ANTM is doing that thing again where the finale gets sliced into two parts and nothing – literally nothing – final happens in the first part. And you know what? I am totally going to watch next week (which is in two weeks), so as cranky as this makes me, I need to shut my mouth, because this shameless tactic totally works.

We are reminded that Mamé and Momé won Best Photo last week. Allegedly. It was, we are to believe, a good enough photo to leapfrog over Nyle and NyleMom’s also amazing photos and Nyle’s two-point challenge lead. That is certainly a thing that the show is telling us. I wonder how they word the contracts for the contestants to cover this sort of thing? By which I mean a contestant winning the week in a totally surprising and untampered way.

(By the way, once in my younger-and-dumber years, I went to an open call for a reality show that didn’t seem to ever get made. The premise was that you and a pal would get dropped into the wilderness in another country and would have to make your way back to a specific location in the United States. To even try out, we had to sign waivers that said we and our families wouldn’t hold the production company liable if we got SHOT AT. What I’m saying is that there is a way to work these things out. Allegedly.)

We are reminded that Mamé is a diplomat’s daughter and lived here in the U.S. without her parents. We will be hearing A LOT about each contestant’s particular hard-luck story tonight and I’m assuming next week, so get ready to recite along. This is a fascinating trope of the show. I realize it’s supposed to make each contestant someone that you might root for, but given that Tyra’s story, as narrated by Tyra is “I had a pretty comfortable middle-class life and my mom was a professional photographer and then I decided to be a model and so she took some pictures of me and then I was one,” it feels odd to hit hardship as a Top Model theme so loudly and frequently. Mamé gives a sincere “Thank you, Tyra,” just as her #TyTyTip pops up.

Tyra reminds Mamé was of how Momé was so shy and then she let it go. Well, now it’s time for Mamé to let it go and let the diplomat’s daughter go and cut loose and let go and breathe and be wild and free and let go and have you deduced that Mamé is too polished and needs to loosen up? Don’t worry; the concept will be brought up again.

Mikey interviews that he thought he was cut last week but then was not, apparently because Tyra thinks the rest of us are just made of vases to throw against the wall. Mikey says unless you have this experience, you don’t know what it’s like, which I’m guessing is true. Mikey reminds us that he grew up with no money and terrible toxic male role models.

So anyway, Mikey is still with us, and we have the thing where the guys compete against each other and the girls compete each other because Tyra wants the optics of one of each in the final. Nyle and Mikey are thus mortal enemies. Mikey tells Mamé that being told it’s all over has made him evil.

Nyle interviews that NyleMom was a single mom for his Mandatory Sad Thing. (I don’t mean to belittle their genuinely difficult life experiences. It just bothers me that the show is mining them so openly.) He thinks the other models see him as just being there because he’s deaf, but he says that’s just a part of him and he knows he can win it. I think it’s agreeably ballsy that Nyle is just openly calling out the cliché of the different contestant who makes it far…but not too far.

Lacey was broken up by being in the bottom two. She Mandatory Sad Things her parents’ divorce and subsequent weight gain and now she wants to prove to everybody that she’s beautiful and has worth. Oh, man. I don’t think she means to tie them that directly, but just in case, Someone debrief Lacey on the whole looks and self-worth thing.

Lacey interviews that, now that the attractions are more out in the open and everyone else is gone, it’s very much Lacey and Nyle versus Mikey and Mamé. Lacey and Nyle sign together – it looks like Lacey has been making an effort to learn – and she says they tend to take off together to be by themselves.

Lacey also points out that her mutual attraction with Nyle has been a long, slow burn (I hope that slowness is at least in part because Nyle is 25 or 26 during filming and thus wary about getting involved with someone who’s only 18. Half your age plus 7, kids!) and has been just between the two of them. Whereas Mamé was with Justin (Ahem), and Mikey has been with anyone who will let him in range.

Mikey once again mentions explaining the cabin thing to Justin.

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It’s possible that he’s nervous about Justin beating his ass underneath all the bluster, but Mostly Mikey seems to keep bringing up telling Justin because he really likes the extra-sleazy thrill of having made out with a woman who’s officially with someone else. Mamé quietly responds that she doesn’t want to hurt anybody. Which does not sound like “I know who I want, and it’s Justin,” which is not what she’s been saying over and over to the camera. Hmmm.

Mikey, bringing up the subject again, like for chrissakes just get a tattoo, tells Nyle it was cold in the cabin, heh heh. Hairball. Mikey then says “You made out with the right person.” Mamé seems to admit that a little more than cuddling happened, but interviews that she now knows she wants Justin and she doesn’t want him to feel disrespected. She and Mikey are worried that Devin would say something to Justin, as well she should be. You know those giant, field-sized spinning irrigation poles that you see when you fly over farm country? Devin is basically one of those for information that will cause drama. On the other hand, there’s also, you know, the show and these conversations that they just had on camera. Mamé keeps saying, very casually, while flirting with Mikey, that she does doesn’t want Justin to get hurt, and then she less casually interviews that she doesn’t want Justin to find out and hate her. I believe that, if she were to look way, way off in the distance, Mamé would be able to see the receding masts of two ships that have sailed.

And if we look way, way off in the distance, we can see this plot arc coming. Everybody fix a picnic for when it gets here.

Shoot Time
The models arrive at a pool and here is Yu Tsai! It’s time for the Grand Prize Sponsor Shoot (What?) for freaking Nylon! Again! Apparently will be wringing every. Last. Bit. of sponsorship money out of this dying show. It reminds me of one of those gadgets they used to sell to make sure you got allllll the toothpaste out of the tube. Wait, I take it back. Apparently there are still companies that sell toothpaste squeezers for about $3 a pop. Think about how many toothpaste scraps out of how many tubes it would take to make up that $3. There’s a metaphor for this heavily sponsored cycle in there somewhere. Or maybe the whole thing is Tyra’s shrewd reminder of the Cathar belief that the Devil will try to use material wealth to persuade people to give up their souls. And he’s doing a bang-up job.

Yu Tsai tells us that this is not a challenge because there will be no scoring, and indeed there will be no scoring for the rest of the finale tomfoolery. The contestants will just be judged (but not scored!) on their abilities to take amazing photos and on the ridiculous presentations they’ve been told they have to make and, if they’re lucky, how they work the runway. Judging but no scoring essentially means “Yes, we will be throwing this thing,” and I would be enraged about that were it not a return to the long, proud, old-school Top Model tradition of having the judges hand down at least one decision per cycle that made you go all Naomi Campbell and throw your phone at the television. (Somewhere Tyra just felt the ripple in the Force that indicates someone has just revived the phone-throwing incident, and she is pleased.)

And sometimes the judges would make an effort to justify those decisions, but a lot of the time they just wouldn’t bother, and that was part of the beauty and madness of the show: the knowledge that one week, maybe this week, will be the one when the contestant who dares to have a sense of humor gets kicked off for not running a high-fashion enough hot dog cart or whatever the hell completely non-model thing they were making them do that week.

Anyway, it’s now pretty much openly rigged. I am 88% certain of America’s Last Top Model and America’s Last Second Place Model, and I have written down my predictions, sealed them in an envelope, and deposited it in an iron lockbox at an undisclosed location in the Arctic Circle until the reveal. Or we could all just recite those names out loud in unison.

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Oh, good lord. We have a new photographer and it’s that guy who insists on being called “The Cobrasnake.” I was trying to remember if I disliked him for a reason or just because he calls himself “The Cobrasnake,” and my friend Irene1 helpfully informed me that it is because “The Cobrasnake” made his name when he was 20 by photographing his girlfriend Cory Kennedy, who was 15 and also his student intern. Not that anyone seems to have made much of a fuss about the relationship at the time. And not that there’s anything deeply broken in the fashion industry. THANKS AGAIN FOR EMPOWERING WOMEN, TYRA.

You know, I honestly believe that Tyra (with the exception of her multilevel marketing makeup) really wants to help women, or at least she wants to be the kind of person who helps women. It’s just that she’s been so deep inside the fashion industry for so long that she can’t see the parts that are completely screwed up. And thus she will tell female models not to object if a photographer makes them uncomfortable and to be sexier by acting like a little girl and genuinely think she’s doing the world a favor.

Anyway, Jesus Christ, The Cobrasnake, and we will be photographing the models at a high school because apparently nobody involved with setting up the shoot has any sense of shame, self-awareness, or irony. On the other hand, a high school is an entirely appropriate setting for someone who refers to himself as a reptile and in the third person. But only the lower grades.

The Gartersnake tells the models that tonight, they will be “breaking into” this high school, which no they fucking won’t. Jesus.

The models pretend to style themselves. Mamé says winning Best Photo really helped her confidence. Lacey says she deserves this. Mikey says he’s going to use his fire and expose it all. I think he’s done that enough. Nyle says he’s a good model and can change the world.

Are we really keeping up the pretense that they’re sneaking into the well-lit pool? It’s the biggest load of crap since the cretaceous era. You know what’s good for sneaking? Flashbulbs, floodlights, and camera crews.

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Mikey of course says he climbed fences and broke into pools a lot. We’re reminded that this is Nyle vs Mikey now! Were you aware? Mikey accuses Nyle of always having the same look, which is a) the excuse the show almost always brings up when the producers want to spike a strong contender and b) hilarious, as Mikey has taken 400,000 Sulky ‘90s Guitarist shots this cycle. And no, Mikey, the shift to Junior Varsity Viking does not count.

Well, I understand why The Newtsalamander strains so hard to be hip and edgy. He looks like your friend’s uncle who comes over to say hi to all the teenagers hanging out at the barbecue and then never figures out how much they want him to leave.

Mikey is thrown off at the start of his shoot. The stylist tells Mikey “no modeling.” Yu Tsai tells Mikey that when his face is there, his body is not, and when his body is there, his face is not, and he needs to find that connection. I do hope someone releases a leatherbound treasury of Yu Tsai’s helpful advice. The Labradoodledog says shooting Nyle was interesting because Nyle had an interpreter and maybe it would have worked better without. The Sphinxkitty tells Nyle to be himself and be in the moment.

There are shots of the guys in and out of the pool, and then it’s Lacey and Mamé. Lacey is totally sexbombing it up and Yu Tsai seems to love it at first. Lacey knows Mamé is hearing her praise. Mamé thinks Lacey is too confident and does not care for it. Mamé tells us that Lacey is too sleazy. Yu Tsai is no longer loving the sex bomb thing he loved a few minutes ago and says Lacey is too prostitute, too stripper. Why did we never put together debriefing sessions for adolescent girls who watched this show? Lacey says she’s not used to the new body and isn’t good at hitting the Tyra-demonstrated mark of sexy-not-sleazy. Shall we also bring up how Lacey is a virgin 80 or 90 times? Yes, let’s.

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Mamé thinks Lacey tanked it and Lacey says The Chickadeebird loved it. It’s time for Mamé’s shoot and Mamé says The Mooseungulate is loving it when…Oh, snap, Lacey, just right nearby, picks up Yu Tsai’s dog and starts cuddling it, JUST BEING HERSELF, and – OMG! – The Blackmollyfish and Yu Tsai turn, as if held by a powerful tractor beam of cuteness, and start taking pictures of Lacey instead.

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This would rank near the top of diabolical Top Model moments, right up there with Jayla helpfully giving Bre a Benadryl right before a shoot, but first I just need a few points cleared up:

  1. Why is Yu Tsai’s dog on set and not on a leash?
  2. Why is Lacey standing so close to Mamé’s shoot and in the photographer’s sightline?
  3. Why do people focused on a tight shoot with lots of looks to get through look over at Lacey at all?
  4. Why do they not tell Lacey to fuck off out of their way, because she has already gotten all her frames in and it’s time to shoot Mamé?

Don’t get me wrong: It would be an AMAZING moment, Lacey’s swift and sure turn to the Dark Side, if only I could work up even a single moment’s belief. What the hell, show? Keep it simple. Stolen granola bars. Brownie vandalism. Shower fights. We’ll take the honest basics. Plus this says way less about anyone’s modeling ability than it does about Yu Tsai’s ability to run a professional set.

Yu Tsai and The Rivercooterturtle can’t get enough of this totally spontaneous moment of adorable model backstabbery. But will Tyra like it? Or become enraged?! Mamé is now to get ready for the pool and is coached to strip down faster, not that we’re getting sleazy in this high-school-staged shoot or anything.

In the next set-up, Mamé and Mikey are in chicken-fighting position. He takes a moment to nibble her inner thigh and even the dog horks up a hairball. Mikey says he and Mamé move well together – a little too well heh heh nudge nudge wink wink I have totally had sex before. Mamé says she and Mikey don’t have anything that’s worth risking what she has with Justin. Um. She also says everyone loves what she’s doing, so in your face, Lacey. Gosh, this pitting the girls against each other and boys against each other sure is appealing.

Now that Mamé’s close-ups are done, it’s time to take pictures of Mikey’s face framed by Mamé’s thighs. I will say it again: Someone on this show was trying to get Justin to straight-up murder Mikey.

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My favorite part of the chickenfight shoot is that Nyle is just waiting there in the background with Lacey on his shoulders, like they were just about to chicken fight but got interrupted by The Cricketbug and forgot that Lacey could get down. Mamé and Mikey cuddle for warmth as Lacey and Nyle go. Yes, Mamé has really made and stuck by her decision. It’s astonishing that Lacey was getting coached not to look sleazy because the whole shoot looks really American Apparel. Like the whole place needs to be hosed down and tested and maybe raided by the police.

The shoot ends and everyone leaps around and cheers like they just landed the fucking Mars Rover. Is this something that happened every time, or a new thing since we’ve known there won’t be a new season?

Model House!
Nyle says no one knows what to do with themselves anymore because house is quiet without Devin. Heh. Mikey predicts that the Fallen Models will be coming back, and of course his mind goes to Justin. Mikey loves to talk about Justin, and I still find the psychology of that fascinating. Is Mikey sort of hoping to win Mamé? Is he idly wondering whether Justin will beat him to death with one of the lawn chairs? Or is he just kind of a scrotal sac who needs to remember that he scored points to feel like he’s worth anything? Mikey is teasing that he and Mamé will be texting each other soon, but he also lets it slip that he doesn’t have her number yet.

Mikey interviews that he’s had one long-term relationship, but now he’s not a big relationship person. OH, REALLY? OK, yes, props to Mikey for understanding himself well enough to know that he’s he’s not equipped for a relationship, but it is, in fact, humanly possible to take a break from screwing with the lives of other people while you figure yourself out and rework.

Mikey will not let it go and suggests #DontTellJustin as a thing. Nyle doesn’t like it that Mamé is flirting with Mikey because GROSS GROSS GROSS BARF GROSS he knows Justin really cares about Mamé, and thinks this could be trouble.

The Four Aces Motel
Yu Tsai says this is his favorite place to shoot and also that it’s Zappos day because that toothpaste tube might have a few molecules of Crest left in it. Melissa Costa, the head of Brand Marketing for Zappos Couture is here again, so, OK, hello. This shoot is part of the global re-launch, so the models are to rock it and kill it. I hope they also take it to the next level.

Mamé says she has no choice but to kill it, which is exactly what I said when a black widow spider took up residence in my kitchen, but I don’t think Mamé will end up killing her shoot with a pizza box.

Yu Tsai says the look for today is “luxury travel” and calls The Four Aces a cinematic motel – different from the kind of cinematic motels you find in the Valley – and reminds us that it’s boy vs. boy and girl vs. girl. WE GET IT.

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Mamé says Lacey won’t get in her way. There is a hilarious shot of Lacey playing with a hair dryer and an utterly humorless stylist snapping “It’s not a gun.” Lacey says Mamé is regal… but what the Zappos folks want is fun. Kevin Bailey, the “editorial strategist” of Zappos Couture says they want chic and modern. Melissa says, verbatim, “When you’re starting your journey, you’re innocent, then as you evolve on this journey, the fierceness and that confidence really coming out. That juxtaposed positioning is really what we want to energize today.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we DO NOT put marketers on television, even if they are in a position to give your show a whole bunch of money.

Lacey says she IS innocent and sexy, so she has this. Melissa congratulates Mamé on her best photo and Mamé gets some Zappos Couture clothes. I promised myself I wouldn’t mention the Zappos suicide cluster again, but Melissa said “delivering happiness” one too many times, so fuck it.

Lacey says that her story for the shoot is that she’s an innocent woman that comes to a motel and transforms into a fierce sexy girl from the vibes in the room. Lacey, that is horrifying. Is it a demon room? No time to ponder; of course that’s exactly what the 17 consultants in the room wanted. Lacey says she’ll reel it in and be the good kind of sexy. Oof.

Mamé says Lacey overthinks sexy and can’t understand why she doesn’t get it when she’s a good actress, but this may be irrelevant since Yu Tsai loves it. Which may also be irrelevant, because the judges are deciding this based on foot massages if they feel like it. Also, Mamé, you have no business talking about someone else being sleazy when you have mashed lips with Hanson’s skanky cousin.

Yu Tsai and Erik Asla tell Mamé not to pose and then they love her posing.

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Mamé is worried about being done so soon and then decides she’s happy that they got the shot so quickly. Melissa says Lacey is interesting and Mamé has contrasting styles. I guess as of last week someone decided Yu Tsai needed a new edit, because we’re seeing him yell a lot of positives at both women. Yu Tsai says Lacey was a frontrunner going in, but Mamé is really passing Lacey in this competition “somehow.” I believe I have an idea of what that mysterious “somehow” may be, but I’m sure you will draw your own conclusions on that point.

Nyle says Mikey is very confident and a great model. We hear that Nyle owns the space. Mikey says Nyle really is doing great and hopes he screws up. Yu Tsai’s new thing is yelling “AMAZING!” in a deep, chesty voice.

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OK. Mikey says he wants to pull out of the pattern life had set up for him and he doesn’t want to sell drugs and go to prison, which is indeed an admirable sentiment. Mikey starts his shoot and is immediately scolded for modeling. Yu Tsai tells him to relax and just be cool. Oh, no! The Dramatic Chords of Impending Failure!

Yu Tsai tells Mikey to be a chill guy and – all together on three – not model. For some reason I have “Ew ew ew” written at this point in my notes. Oh, it’s because Yu Tsai pulls Melissa to the front and tells Mikey to flirt with her and OH MY FREYA, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Melissa interviews that she was “really just vibing” with Mikey. Jesus, someone get Melissa into an encounter group with Courtney and Ashley.

Mikey interviews that Melissa’s “beautiful eyes” were his inspiration and what the fuck just happened here? Melissa is no slouch in the looks department and I’m sure she’s a lovely person, but this is so bizarrely, transparently set up to flatter her on camera and continue the Studley Mikey bullshit. Were the ANTM producers worried that they’d lose the Zappos sponsorship and professionalism was not the answer? Did Tyra decide to screw up the romantic patterns for one last set of little straight girls on her way out? This is heinous.

If this becomes a Mikey Modeling Moment about how he really stepped up and blah blah Next Level blah, there is not enough smashable crockery in the world.

Nyle says Mikey looks like a rockstar/hippie, not dapper like modeling industry wants. Melissa says Mikey brings so much to his photos by being himself because he’s so cool. She swoons over one of Mikey’s shots, in case you’re wondering why all your pets woke up and hurled for no reason. Nyle throws some luggage (no, really) as Lacey says Nyle is all around fine – girls and guys want him, moms want him, dads want him… but Yu Tsai announces that Mikey “is taking direction really well.”

Yu Tsai screams that the shoot is over and does a cartwheel and a roundoff as Erik continues to shoot. A little late to change the brand there, Yu Tsai. I feel like now that the show is ending everyone has new objectives that I cannot fathom.

Time to work on the pointless presentations!
More third-grade art supplies! Why let them go to waste? Mamé reminds us that her last presentation sucked hard, so she really has to work for the redemption we have all seen coming for a couple of weeks now. She says her end goal is “supermodel, humanitarian, and business mogul.” Mamé has been shrewdly studying how to speak The Way of Tyra, and you have to give her credit for that. Mamé says she’s a model first, but Tyra wants to see that you can be entrepreneurial and be a brand.

Nyle text-to-speeches with Lacey and works hard on his presentation, saying it will be bold. Lacey has been writing down strategies in her journal (Goddammit, Lacey! You cannot afford to get outed as the smart one!) She says her strategy is that she’s a good spokesperson. She already has a book and a blog and will be opening up a fitness class, so all that’s left is she’s just got to beat Mamé.

Mikey walks around practicing giving his presentation. He says “It’s more than just how to take a perfect picture…” in a voice that people use to play stodgy business executives. We see NEVER GIVE UP on his notes.

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Tyra Mail
In the last Tyra Mail, Tyra is kissing herself, literally kissing herself. It feels good to have what we’d always suspected out in the open.

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Lacey says she’s been discovering herself and is about to be in the Final Two and this means the world to her. Mamé is emotional over how close she is to winning. She tells us again that she’s done so much on her own. (She lived with close relatives! She was not released into the woods with only a pocket knife!)

Model Bus!
Oh, Model Bus. How I will miss you. It brings the models to the Disney Concert Hall. And the eliminated models are waiting for them. Kelly says it’s going to be a curved runway and some other stuff but we can’t pay attention because – Oooo! – Justin is here and he is pissed. Mamé says this is not the time to be explaining herself. I suspect Justin would dispute that point.

Also there will be a live classical quintet and chic “wearable art” by Rocky Gathercole, who also did the Thunderdome glitterball football gear from the extended Tyra commercial.

Mikey says Justin won’t make eye contact with him. He is so freaking happy that Justin is pissed at him. Because women are property that can be taken away from other men. Speaking of people who have been in better moods, Mikey hugs Ashley, who has also heard what happened. Ashley says she’s hurt, but can’t say she expected more from Mikey. What a moment of melancholy clarity. Ashley! You can do so much better! I promise!

Hadassah immediately confirms to Mamé that Devin not only ratted but said a lot more than making out happened. Mamé says there were lots of layers between her and Mikey, and “Stop making it look like something it’s not.” Um. Devin gives Mamé a hilariously uncomfortable side hug. He interviews that he did nothing at all. Well, nothing except for telling Justin absolutely everything once he’d been cornered. Gosh, I wonder how Justin knew there was something worth telling?

Mamé thinks this is “terrible timing.” Mamé, did you think about NONE of this before you hooked up with Suck Dynasty? She says it’s hard because she cares about Justin so much and he deserves an explanation.

Justin is no longer J. Smooth. He is J. Frosty.

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But just because he’s quiet doesn’t mean he’s a doormat. He calmly asks Mamé what happens and says he doesn’t believe they just cuddled. Justin says that Mikey is “a piece of shit,” and makes the excellent point of ANYONE BUT MIKEY. Mamé says she feels terrible that she let “the pressure of the competition and the cold of the cabin get to her.” Weak.

OK, I have to transfer a lot of the credit for Justin and Mamé’s past chill and affectionate relationship to Justin now. He’s handling this really well – not yelling and not flipping out, but being very clear about why he’s angry. He tells Mamé that he really cares about her and saw them as having a future, but he can’t allow himself to be with her because she has broken his trust. He does a great job of communicating and drawing firm lines. Young straight girls, do whatever you need to to get over the Mikeys in your life and go for (and be like) someone like this. Justin is clear on his feelings and what he needs, and he’s putting it out there in a rational way. It can be done.

Mamé, on the other hand, should be apologizing in every possible direction, but she’s not even really copping to the fact that she screwed up.

OH, GOOD. STEFANO IS BACK. Do we need to hear what he thinks about Justin and Mamé? No, we do not.

Hadassah, covered in chunky gold dust, says Mikey is a flirt. Mikey tries to get her to say she’s Team Mikey, and then wonders if anybody is on Team Mikey. Hadassah interviews that she’s rooting for Mamé. Meanwhile, Mamé negotiates with Justin to just get past the competition and then work it out after. What she’s not doing is admitting any wrongdoing or acknowledging that Justin has several reasons to be angry. Not a good look, Mamé,
Mamé interviews that she would be devastated if she lost Justin and hooking up with Mikey was “a total, total mistake.” These are things that she should be saying to Justin, but we don’t see her do that.

Mikey tells Ashley that she’d better be Team Mikey as she politely does not stab him in the ear with an ice pick. Mikey smirk-laughs that all the women are mad at him and says it’s nothing new to him because that’s all that happens at home too. And, honestly, my heart broke a little for Mikey at that moment, because he said it without the smallest inkling of how pathetic that is or of how his life is going to get exponentially sadder unless he does some serious work on himself. I don’t think he’s even noticed that Justin doesn’t even think Mikey is worth going after. What’s less than a fuckboy? Mikey is a thirdboy.

Keith from Cycle 21 is here! Lacey calls him tremendously sexy. Oh, my Venus, the outfits. Lacey is wearing what would happen if a Twister board had sex with a llama.

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Mamé, who is being fitted with a pheasant butt around her shoulders, calls their outfits living, breathing art.

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I hope nothing is actually breathing, but it’s difficult to be sure. Dustin is rooting for his pal Nyle. Stefano announces that he is team Lacey, because he thinks he and she have a lot in common. Thanks for the update, Stefano.

Finally, Miss J is coaching some walks. We’ve got to go back to making it a full episode next cycl—oh.

No. NO! Justin is wearing gold pants and a bright yellow squiggle cloud on his shoulders, like he was having a thought about canaries and it fell and landed there. The gold cloud has TOP MODEL sort of stamped on it, because classy.

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He says he’s surprised at Mamé and disappointed in her decisions. He says he wants to take some time and think about things and see what he wants to do. How did this grownup get in here?

Ashley is wearing The Fringed Undead Skeleton Butterfly of Doom…

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…and Stefano has been dressed as a Scottish werebat.

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Tyra is at the end of the runway of the final fashion show and it’s going to be the Final Two! Only we have like 38 more minutes of dicking around before we actually get to it!

Mikey says his whole life has been leading up to this and NYLE HAS A PONYTAIL and is also covered in chunky gold dust. A faster wit than mine pointed out that they’ve taken Nyle to full Dothraki.

Yu Tsai brings in the moms! Hooray! Lacey’s mom says she’s a winner. Nyle mom gives him a careful hug because of all the gold dust. Mamé prays with Momé.

MikeyMom cries and she’s proud of Mikey. He says it would make him complete to go home with $100,000 to make his mom’s sacrifices worth it.

Tyra arrives and Lacey knows it’s presentation time and, yes indeed, there are Miss J. And Kelly. Tyra announces that the judges will review the presentations now. Lacey accurately calls this crazy.

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Tyra tells everyone that 50% of these four will not be finalists. She’s not wrong.

Lacey says her presentation will be better than Mamé’s and calls herself juicy. Nyle says he’s ready. Mikey says he’s been vulnerable and done things he never thought he would do. Mamé says she’s wanted this since she was six and also it’s an overload because Momé is there and so is Justin.

And so of course it’s…

TO BE CONTINUED.

Of course I’ll see you here. Let’s not pretend. Not after all we’ve been through. Meet you back here in two weeks.


  1. I have two – Two! – friends named Irene who follow and enjoy Top Model. Tell me the world is not a beautiful and magical place.

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