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Ah my loyal observers of Bachelor in Paradise, here we are in the final three hours of recycled footage, overwrought drama, and shots of crabs that are definitely a metaphor. I spent Labor Day weekend at a retreat, meditating a lot on gratitude and compassion, so I definitely am here to offer those feelings to these lovelorn losers on this show!

Ha ha, just kidding.

Ashley I. and Jared are on their fantasy date. Ashley I. wants to put a cherry in her champagne. This show has more metaphors than a Faulkner novel. Jared babbles on about how great being in love is, so she presents to him the option of going to the fantasy suite. Jared agrees to go in the manner of a condemned man reluctantly walking towards the hangman. (Metaphor!) They of course cliffhanger us on whether or not they have sex but, let’s be clear, they do not. In fact, Jared wants to break up with her. The Ashley I. cry-pocalypse inevitably ensues. Jared leaves! Ashley I. cries so much my eyes dislocate from rolling so much.

Jorge counsels Juelia that Mikey T. really likes her, so this means Mikey T. is telling the dudes it isn’t working out and he’s going to dump her. Juelia is so upset to be dumped she simply leaves. Poor Juelia, ad infinitum. EVERYONE IS LEAVING!

Jaclyn is walking around with a pixelated butt trying to find a dude to take a on a date. Nick is “sleaze” (and it takes me about twenty million replays to figure out that’s what she said because the California vowel shift is in FULL EFFECT with Jaclyn, folks) Mikey T. is “dumb as rocks,” Dan’s personality is “like super small.” So she talks to Justin. He agrees to go, until a hottie named Cassandra shows up and all the dudes gaze at her like she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and she’s definitely gorgeous, even more gorgeous than that temptress witch goddess Samantha. Justin immediately jettisons Jaclyn in favor of a Cassandra date. Jaclyn is the best, saying she is irritated that Justin said he had a better connection with Cassandra since they both have kids: “So I didn’t get knocked up when I was 19. Sorry.” She again makes my job easier by just saying: “I never thought the key to success here would be to a) have a kid, b) talk to fruits and vegetables, c) talk to animals and raccoons, and d) be a complete psychopath.” True story, Jaclyn. Cassandra and Justin make out a bunch on their horse riding date.

Nick helpfully recaps that through some strange process on Bachelor Pad he deprived her of $250,000 so she hates him. He asks her for her date card and she asks him for $250,000. I whisper “yess.” As an alternative she makes him roll around in hot sand which is not at all like $250,000. He takes Samantha on the date. Carly recaps all the dudes who love Samantha, while acknowledging her complete lack of personality. The Samantha-Nick date is dinner.

Carly talks about having kids with Kirk. I cover my eyes and whisper “nooooo” because I know this show is going to destroy everything I love, including them. With so much on the rose ceremony related line, Harrison’s like “fuck a cocktail party, y’all are in a cocktail party already all the time.” The rose ceremony is a bloodbath, as Carly puts it. Ashley I. just leaves after making a speech about how she wants to eat Jared’s face. Lauren makes a cameo as Ashley I. calls her as she’s leaving.

Kirk gives his rose to Carly, Tanner to Jade, Nick to Samantha, Joshua to Tenley. Then Justin gives his rose to Cassandra and Dan now claims to have been into Cassandra but he says that about all the hot new women in paradise, so whatever. He makes a long boring speech about not having anyone left in paradise he wants to have a fake marriage with, then leaves. So that means now five women are going home, which is hilarious. Only Mikey T. is left, so Carly correctly says he is going to do something stupid, and he does, by asking Mackenzie to take the rose. She basically cringes her way through a “oh, um, let’s just be friends?” So basically everybody goes home except the couples above and Carly sings a song about it while Kirk looks sort of uncomfortable.

The next day, Harrison tells them that the five couples will be left alone to implode from their own internal drama, and no more new people will arrive. Thank god, because I can’t try to pretend to remember any more names. Harrison tells them they’re all going on fantasy suite dates. Carly is hella excited because she’s gonna get laid! And then…

AN OPEN LETTER TO KIRK THE GINGER
You are a murderer of love. I didn’t even like Carly that much from her previous Bachelor season and yet now she is adorable and you destroyed her heart because you are a coward. I hate you. When Carly turned to you adorably and asked “are you breaking up with me” all lighthearted and you pretended to be cool I decided a jellyfish should sting you and a shark should eat you. Alive. You are the worst. Then you were offended that the girl you blindsided was angry with you! You should have been punched. Repeatedly. Tanner was right, you made a dick move. I literally could not understand most of what Carly told Tenley and Jade because her sobs were entering the whistle register. And bless Jade for threatening to beat the crap out of you! Your actions were very bad! No good! You are a bad person. No love,
the recapper.

We enter our final hour of Bachelor in Paradise without Carly and Kirk. I am adrift, awash in a sea of grief. My heart cannot focus. Jade is actually so upset over Kirk and Carly that she is the ultimate BFF. I believe that in six months if Kirk disappears you should definitely see if Jade bought any lye or a shovel.

Tenley journals her feelings, but it mostly seems to consist of writing single words and then circling them. Hey, if that’s your process. Cassandra does not want to fantasy suite Justin because she’s a mom, apparently. Tenley breaks up with Joshua because of Idaho, where he lives, which is a fair point, because there are no Disney Princesses from Idaho.

Cassandra and Justin share roses, as do Samantha and Nick. This means they are tied together in the bonds of holy Bachelor franchising. Tanner straight up tells Jade he loves her, and they get engaged instead of MERELY sharing roses, because they’ve known each other for like three weeks, so this will definitely work out. And to think, all this started with Tanner in drag.

But really, I like these crazy kids, and their obvious, inevitable reality show contestant mental health issues are actually complementary (Jade says she’s never felt lovable! Tanner is…Tanner!). And in the end, that’s what’s really important: finding someone whose issues you can live with. We have another fake wedding in Mexico to look forward to, you guys! I myself can hardly wait. I hope it’s officiated by Ashley S. and the raccoon.

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