This week is all kittens and rainbows and lottery winnings, right? Wrong. This week, you fail, hard, but INYF that you accidentally replied all when bitching about your boss, because the planets have conspired against you!

INYF, Aries. You know those mornings when everything goes wrong? (Stubbed toe, spilled coffee, fried laptop, flat tire…) Stretch that out all. week. long. Essentially, the universe is conspiring to give you a rage aneurysm. And you’re already a hot head…so, here’s hoping that you either work alone, or that your co-workers have some good bomb gear. I wouldn’t go anywhere near you.

INYF, Taurus. Hey Bull-head! As the stars have labeled you a bull, so must you emulate that personality: ridiculously stubborn laziness. In fact, you would fight to the death to not get up off the couch. You have a choice this week: against all of your nature, get off your ass and do the extra work. Or spend all week fighting it, and end up having to do it anyway.

INYF, Gemini. Your mouth rivals estate auctioneers, and generally your brain can almost keep up. Except this week: you’re in full on mental-hiccup land. Normally you can just go on and on and on, but this time your nonsense won’t even be entertaining. You’re going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Do everyone a favor – show your mouth what duct tape is this week.

INYF, Cancer. Generally, you fail at idle chit chat, especially at work. This is mostly because your emotional crap has no place there, so you end up being the creepy greaseball hunchback hiding by the water cooler. This week, imagine you haven’t showered for a week and fill your mouth with cotton everytime you try to speak. 100% social fail. Go back to bed.

INYF, Leo. The spotlight on you (that one you carry around with your applause machine) will actually draw the attention of others this week. However, your viral video will be akin to the famous grape lady fall, not funny cat or “heartwarming soldiers come home to surprise their kids” videos. That new feeling, this week? It’s called humility.

INYF, Virgo. You own the backhanded compliment, delivered in an oh-so-sweet little funny way, impossible to parse out to the total cruel intention you put behind it. Oh, how I wish I was a fly on the wall around you this week. You have a serious case of foot in mouth, and watching Virgos squirm when they’re caught is just delicious.

INYF, Libra. You don’t get fighting mad often. (You have to actually care about something before you can get angry about it.) In a rare moment, this week involves you getting pissed off… overreacting when folks cancel plans and forget commitments. How dare people behave so much like you!

INYF, Scorpio. Noone’s trying to screw you over, there is no massive conspiracy. You’re not about to lose your job, your lover isn’t lying to you, and your mom really does love you. When you are given a gift this week, just be fucking gracious for once. I know you won’t believe me, but it’s not a plot.

INYF, Sagittarius. You’re a bad liar. It’s got nothing to do with honor or some such pseudo-Biblical moral nonsense. You have a hard time keeping a story in your head, you’re distracted. So when you lie, you lie like a 6-year-old. Entirely unbelievable. This week is full of distractions – don’t be stupid. You can’t pull it off.

INYF, Capricorn. You know that you’re a goat with a fish tail, right? How in the world is that supposed to work? It doesn’t. Land or sea, castle or cottage– nothing satisfies you or gives you a sense of belonging. This week is no different, excepting that it will be more painfully obvious you don’t belong in the one place you’re desperate to fit in.

INYF, Aquarius. Your telephone is going to go into self echo-mode, playing your voice back to you on a 1-second delay. Except you’re not on the phone. You spout off knowledge (mostly that you don’t know), and the feedback loop has shortened this week. Don’t want to go crazy? Don’t offer advice based on one skimmed online article; don’t offer input on the storyline of the book you haven’t read. That leaves you…nothing to talk about.

INYF, Pisces. Let’s focus on one particular excerpt from Burroughs’ Naked Lunch: the man who taught his asshole to talk. You’re not an honest person by nature, and your ability to smarm talk rivals any used car salesman. This week, however, the shit coming out of your mouth is remarkable! One of your best performances all year. Burroughs would be proud.

Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer.

The post Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. February 19-25, 2016 appeared first on Bitter Empire.