So you wasted your week watching all 8 seasons of Psych on Netflix. Yardwork, laundry, homework, family dinners: your neighbors, family and teachers all understand how hard your life is. Just tell them that Saturn made you lazy this week; they’ll forgive you.

INYF, Aries. This weekend is yours to screw up, horn-face. There’s going to be a lot of “look at me” coming from everyone, but your voice is always the loudest, and your charm will be radiating through the whiskey shots. Your exaggerated one-upmanship will be entertaining, and most people will actually be laughing with you. Enjoy this, as normally you are about as funny as a Spin Doctors concert.

INYF, Taurus. If you weren’t surrounded by crisis last weekend (not your crisis, you don’t have those), it’ll come around this weekend. Expect to be holding back hair for puking friends and pull out the ratty blankets for a few drama laden friends to crash on. You will be comfort food to those around you who need it. But no worries, they’ll be gone by Monday, needing something more exciting than Natural Ice and playstation 2 games.

INYF, Gemini. Whenever I’m given an opportunity to lay out a choice for you, I take it because I love seeing you get frustrated. So here’s your dose for the week: You can either a) throw someone under the bus to get your fragile ego stroked, or b) tell the truth and give credit where credit is due. The best part about this is either way you go, you’re going to end up looking like an asshole. Good times!

INYF, Cancer. You are going to feel pulled to parties and itching to get out and about this week. In a totally out of character move, your hermit-self wants to actually interact with other people. Be prepared to be disappointed. As with all things, your luck will ruin this. Expect to be stood up, get the wrong address to the party, or to show up a day early for a gig. Bring apologies and hurt feelings with you when you head out.

INYF, Leo. There are rare moments when you actually command attention in a humorous and welcome way. Normally you’re a blustery out-of-touch narcissist who laughs hardest at your own jokes. This weekend is one of those rare moments; your jokes will be genuinely funny, and people will actually enjoy being a part of your cohort. Don’t ruin it by getting a big head. (Yeah, right.)

INYF, Virgo. I know that you can do everyone’s job more thoroughly than anyone else. The problem? You get so control-freakish about every little thing that people dread talking to you. You are so hung up in every little detail that nothing would get done. Relax and let the things that are 99.9% correct pass, and you may finally get invited to the after work cocktail hour.

INYF, Libra. People label you as just and compassionate. Wrong. You’re more judgemental than most, assessing and resigning folks to roles before you meet them. And once you’ve decided a role, it’s never going to change, despite reality showing you otherwise. This next week is full of rash judgments and most of them are wrong. Before deciding, try this: let people speak for themselves and then decide whether to keep them around or toss them.

INYF, Scorpio. On the flip side of your crazy paranoid suspicions and jealousy is a very loyal and devoted person. Loyal and devoted to yourself above everything. Before you stab your friend for crossing you, slow down and analyze the situation. This week is full of misunderstandings and you are no Sherlock. Don’t jump to conclusions, you don’t have all of the information.

INYF, Sagittarius. A fellow horse face, Jim Morrison, said that he had “ the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.” Get your clown make-up on, this week is full of foot-in-mouth and bad timing. Even though you’re not feeling particularly happy, try not to get morose. Nothing is worse than a sad clown.

INYF, Capricorn. When people ask you to pick up ice cream, you bring home maple nut. You prefer nuts in your cookies and would get juice so pulpy you have to chew it. You have impeccable taste when it comes to creating a plastic home, but when it comes to actual taste or understanding what people really want, you fail miserably. Your mantra this week: “just because I like it doesn’t mean everyone else does”.

INYF, Aquarius. You are generally disappointed in other people, because they don’t approach things the way that you do. You’re so convinced that your way is the right way that you often kill good ideas because only you are allowed to innovate. Even when you’re misguided and wrong, you will cling to your mistakes as right. Stay home this weekend, or face some major stubborn stupidity.

INYF, Pisces. We’re saying goodbye to your birthday this week, and the shift is going to be a challenging one for you. As much as you enjoy prostrating yourself before others, you do it because it also draws attention to you. Get up off the floor and get yourself a treat before this birthday leaves you for another year, or someone is going to step on you.

Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer.

The post Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. March 18-24, 2016 appeared first on Bitter Empire.