That cavity is totally not your fault. It has nothing to do with the fact that you brush your teeth once a week and haven’t seen a dentist in 5 years. Just ignore it, when Venus moves out of Pisces everything will be okay.

INYF, Aries. You aren’t just any ram, you know? You’re the ram that supplied the golden fleece for Jason and the Argonauts. What a metaphor for you, though: Forget beauty,*everything* is only skin-deep. You may look the prettiest, the toughest, the hippest, but you’re just a useless animal valued only for your appearance. Go dye your hair some more, that’ll fix it.

INYF, Taurus. In the good times, you are a collector of lots of very interesting things. In the bad times, you’re a hoarder who lives under the weight of all of your crap. You can’t make your collection of anime posters into wall paper, your collection of Beanie Babies will not make a good mattress. Clean house, then you can get more stuff!

INYF, Gemini. General characteristics of Gemini: quick-witted and funny. This is true like Santa Claus. If you say 30 things, only one is witty and one is funny. The rest are either manic, angry, irrational, or stupid. The reason you get this undeserved reputation is that your mouth runs so quickly people only pick up on 2 of the 30 things you’re saying. Never slow down. Go get some coffee, quick.

INYF, Cancer. Libras have the artist rep, but they’ve got nothing on your creativity. You’re not limited to words, music or crayons; you actually create. Hate your job? You’ll invent a new position for yourself. (This could involve blackmailing the boss, but whatever.) Bored? You’ll create a crisis to pass the time. Losing an argument? Rewrite the truth.

INYF, Leo. You think that you’re not quick-tempered or rash. You see yourself as more benevolent, compassionate. Step back from the mirror, catguts. You’re going to have a week of road rage and revenge porn if you don’t start recognizing you are powerless to your temper. Practice counting to 10. Better yet, count backwards from 100. Give them some time to try to run.

INYF, Virgo. You won’t admit it, but you don’t like spring– all that mud and winter trash. I have a remedy for you: meet your friends for lunch at Ruby Tuesday’s so you can remark on how easily you’ve lost your winter weight while nomming on fried fat chunks. Comment on how delicious their lukewarm spaghetti squash *no cheese* looks. Just the thought of it makes you smile.

INYF, Libra. You’ve been rocked with a few legitimate roadblocks for the past couple days, but prepare to have a wacky weekend of beauty, and even a bit of rockstar sex if you lay the charm just right. The rest of the week: severe construction. Get a few audiobooks and enjoy the interruptions.

INYF, Scorpio. On a good day, you’re a dark and swarthy character in a romance novel (at least that’s how you see yourself). On most days, you’re a spoiled goth kid named spydrrr who vapes bubble gum liquid and spouts the one or two Sartre quotes you got from Philosophy for Dummies. Don your black nail polish and go dance to some My Bloody Valentine this weekend, faker.

INYF, Sagittarius. You’re the kid that kicks the back of the car seat repeatedly, even when you’re 50. On the flip-side of your annoying booger flinging, your mind loves to wander down into deep philosophical quandaries. Normally, your kid keeps you from going too far down. The past few weeks, not so much. It will get better. Go spit on things and throw rocks if you need to, but I promise, this will pass.

INYF, Capricorn. You have a knack for hearing what you want to hear, from what someone wants for breakfast (kashi cereal with cooked raisins) or whether or not they believe in god (christian astrology, obviously). When met point-blank with someone who disagrees with you, you either assume they are lying or stupid. Look in the mirror, dumbass.

INYF, Aquarius. Everyone gets sick of laundry and dishes, and those weirdos that say they find it “therapeutic” are lying. Feeling sad that your life is soooooo mundane? Stop pouting and do something about it. Let me lay some future on you: you’re going to be disappointed. It’s not that life is mundane; you are. You’re not interesting, you’re not a revolutionary, you’re not even weird. Different-colored socks and funky hair styles only make you seem desperate.

INYF, Pisces. Don’t get pissed off that you couldn’t put together the Grundtal. It’s not because Ikea didn’t include all the pieces. It’s not your sig’s fault that you couldn’t find the screwdriver. This is an unholy collusion of universal forces that are working hard to make you feel like a failure. (Feels nice when someone affirms what you’ve been telling yourself, right?)

Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer.

The post Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. March 25-April 1, 2016 appeared first on Bitter Empire.