So you haven’t been to work all week: you’re “sick”. (Sick from dirty pajamas, eating mallomars, and watching ‘Moonlighting’ every single day.) Or you have been going into work all week: in the same outfit, no shower, and lunching exclusively on mallomars. INYF you’ve dissolved into the despair of winter, because comets!

INYF, Aries. Aries have the most annoying laugh in the world, but they swear “it’s just how I laugh”. Liars, every single one. They titter at the highest frequency and cackle in the most grating tones so that regardless of how large the group, everyone knows that they are having a good time, a better time than anyone else. This weekend is an earplug weekend for all 11 other signs, because you’re out for fun and the whole damn world will know it.

INYF, Taurus. Did you know that cattle are red-green colorblind? That red cape that matadors prance around with– it’s not the red that makes the bulls “angry”– it’s the movement. This week you’re surrounded by swaggering sequined idiots, complete with red capes to shove in your face. Just mind your temper, sit back and watch the show. This is one time where your stubborn laziness might come in handy.

INYF, Gemini. You’re a tightly wound little sprocket, and I bet that the current state of “insert some stupid cause or political thing here” has got you ready to explode. Want a place to channel your crazy? Think of something you love, and find a way to teach it to someone else. This is not volunteering to teach underprivileged underrepresented meatbags– that will just get you back into your problem. Teach a neighbor how to boil an egg or something.

INYF, Cancer. Cancers are the -holics of the zodiac, but not the traditional addiction/ emotional/ trauma/ -holic. What people identify the foundation of your addiction is not the reason you are what you are. You’re not a workaholic due to ambition or pride, you’re a hate-people-holic who has found the too-busy-working schedule is the perfect way to avoid being social. You’re not an alcoholic due to drinking too much…. wait, nope. You’re an alcoholic.

INYF, Leo. Go watch network television for two nights–sitcoms, dramas, whatever– but network primetime crap. Eat some chips– proper chips, processed crispy bits of fat with corn or potatoes and hydrogenated fats, not seaweed ancho chile natural sea salt crap. Take part in the really real world around you, in all its weird ignorant glory. Why you’re so red faced: this assignment is something you do all the time, you’re just too ashamed to admit it to others.

INYF, Virgo. Due to various myths and stories attached to your sign, you are often depicted as a woman carrying wheat in both hands. I find this ridiculously funny because: 1) wheat is gross outside stuff with bugs and dirt on it, and 2) of everyone here, you are the most likely to have a strict gluten-free diet of exclusively chestnut flour and wild game. I dare you to eat some pasta salad this week. Or go outside and touch some dirt.

INYF, Libra. Get sucked into a good book and read all night, only to learn that the last chapter is misprinted in a foreign language. The podcast errors out with 5 minutes left. Run out of dressing before the last few bites of a salad. You are the misprint, the error, the dressing. Finish what you’ve started the right way, don’t change it because you’re “not feelin’ it”. All you’re going to do with a short cut is alienate yourself.

INYF, Scorpio. If I could cast you in a movie, you would be that weird crabby old guy at the corner of every dark bar scene of a Bogart flick. But you are not the character layered deep with a history of demons to fight off, you’re the one with the general fuck everything attitude that just comes from being stubbornly pissed at being alive. You love the image of the mystery of it all, but really, you’re just a boring drunk with no friends. Have a great weekend!

INYF, Sagittarius. Your theme song for the week is ‘Movin’ Right Along.’ It’s time for a break, get on the road with some friends, get lost, recharge. You’ve been draining your batteries too low for a while– and when you’re tired, you suck all the energy out of everyone else you live with– so really this “time for a break” is more about giving the people in your life a sanity check. GTFO.

INYF, Capricorn. I don’t dole out compliments often– because generally people suck– but here goes: you are a wonderful gardener. Really. If you don’t garden, go get some seeds and soil and make it happen. You can channel your gardening energy into growing something beautiful to make the neighbors jealous. Or not, and just feed that seed of weird evil intention in your belly. You’re going to grow something either way. Your choice.

INYF, Aquarius. How many entries did you post and delete from cyberspace this past week? How many texts did you start and then edit to nothing? I think I’ve finally found something that is safe for you to share, that you won’t get all hung up about: Use only as directed. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Some assembly required. Void where prohibited.

INYF, Pisces. In an attempt to make our sad little fishies more comfortable, our Bitter Astrologer has decided to replace this week’s entry with the natural habitat of the Piscean brain: I exist! See me! What’s wrong with me? Believe my bullshit. Oh god, they’re gonna call me out on my bullshit. Distract. Don’t get caught. Hide. I exist! See me! What’s wrong with me?….

Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer.

The post Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. March 4-10, 2016 appeared first on Bitter Empire.