As we wind down our Summer of Monsters, we’d like to thank you for joining us as we watched a giant crocodile, a killer mermaid, zombie-fighting cockneys, one “big ass” spider, and a month full of shark movies. It’s been quite a ride. We’d also like to give a shout-out to Wes Craven, the master of horror, who passed away on Sunday. Most of his movies were too good to be on our list, but he did add plenty of humor to his horror, and that is a tough line to walk.

This week’s movie, Age of Dinosaurs, is like Night of the Museum meets Jurassic Park but without Samuel L. Jackson or intentional humor. What? That doesn’t sound like a good premise? Well, just read what Rotten Tomatoes reviewer Benjamin Marlatt wrote: “Be completely grateful that Steven Spielberg doesn’t have a terrible drinking problem ’cause this is what Jurassic Park would’ve looked like had he have been wasted for the entire film shoot.” Do you think he was drinking Dino-sours? (ba-dum ching!) We’re sure you can come up with something funnier. In fact, please join in the commentary!

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Age of Dinosaurs on Netflix, and pull up the livechat starting at 9pm CDT.

Jump right down to the livechat.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Host Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-chat at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail

The Dino-sour
3 oz. sour mix
3/4 oz. gin
1/2 oz. lime juice
1/2 oz. simple syrup
Shake together ingredients. Pour into a tumbler of ice, garnish with lime and serve.

Tonight’s Livechat

Bomberella: I’m really sad summer is over, but I will not complain when the humidity dissipates.

Bomberella: Also, the Dino-sour might be my new favorite drink.

Bomb_Voyage: So basically someone decided Jurassic Park needed to be remade, is what I’m getting from the trailer?

Bomberella: Yes, but less cool.

Bomberella: Poor Treat Williams.

HoldenthePage: I feel like I shouldn’t have used my real name.

Bomb_Voyage: @HoldenthePage You can always change it.

Bomb_Voyage: Or just swear only a little bit.

Bomb_Voyage: It’s nearly time!

HoldenthePage: eh. whatever. I do what I want.

Bomb_Voyage: Bring on the bad CGI dinosaurs!

Bomberella: Okay, @Bomb_Voyage @HoldenthePage, are you ready?

Bomb_Voyage: Ready!

Bomberella: Push play!

Bomb_Voyage: BTW what kind of a name is Treat?

Bomberella: A real treat?

Bomberella: A sweet moniker?

Bomb_Voyage: Apparently that is his real name.…

Bomberella: His middle name.

Bomberella: Whenever someone at the beginning of a movie says “relax” I know it’s all going downhill.


During his adolescence, Treat was often affectionately referred to by nicknames such as “Sweet Treat” and “Big Meat Treat”.

Bomberella: I never trust people who say “Relax.”

Bomberella: Except Frankie.

Bomb_Voyage: “Big Meat Treat” is a heckuva nickname.

HoldenthePage: lol “we have to follow protocol for every experiment” Why yes, you do.

Bomberella: They are real scientists.

HoldenthePage: oh look at him take charge of the situation!

Bomberella: That was the worst shaky hand I’ve ever seen.

Bomberella: Not the komodo!

Bomb_Voyage: Would you really put a horned dinosaur on a regular hospital gurney?

HoldenthePage: is that window abnormally small?

HoldenthePage: seems like a very small window to look through

Bomb_Voyage: It does look weird every time they shift to the inside-looking-out view.

Bomberella: It’s a regulation basement window.

Bomberella: They just have to pretend no one sleeps down there. For the landlord.

Bomb_Voyage: “Synaptic transfer”? Are they putting a Komodo dragons brain in a dinosaur?

Bomb_Voyage: Wouldn’t a bird be a better choice?

Bomberella: No one thought to strap down the dinosaur?

HoldenthePage: I am sorry. This is just ridiculous. Wooh. Drink.

Bomberella: Is that one of the “fed after midnight” Gremlins?

Bomberella: Copy of Alien 3 shot.

HoldenthePage: No one thought of a backup plan? Oh shit

HoldenthePage: Shit got real

Bomberella: I think we should spot all the copied shots and make that our drinking game.

Bomberella: Shoot her! Shoot her!

Bomb_Voyage: Their safety protocols suck.

Bomberella: Like the safari velociraptor guy in the beginning of Jurassic Park.

Bomberella: What is that face against the window shot a copy of?

Bomberella: “B-team is ready for clean-up.”

HoldenthePage: WE HAVE A SCHEDULE!

Bomb_Voyage: “Make sure we have to kill at least a dozen people if the dinosaur gets loose.”

Bomberella: WE HAVE A BUDGET!

Bomb_Voyage: “Oh, and don’t strap it down or anything.”


Bomb_Voyage: What is their schedule?

HoldenthePage: What an exceptionally shitty budget

HoldenthePage: NO STRAPS.

Bomb_Voyage: Is there a dinosaur circus next weekend or something?

HoldenthePage: but genetically engineer a dinosaur? All the monies for you.

Bomb_Voyage: GUYS GUYS we need a horned dinosaur to do the diving-board-into-a-bucket-of-water thing.

Bomb_Voyage: That was a creepy-ass closeup of Treat Williams’s eye.

Bomberella: Schedule: 9:05 PM–press Control-shift (Becky)
9:07 PM re-animate dinosaur using komodo dragon brain (Dr. Whatshisname)
9:08 PM Strap them down. (Kenny)
Oh shit! Kenny, did you forget to strap them down?

Bomb_Voyage: Dammit, Kenny!

Bomberella: I’m pretty sure Treat Williams is old enough to be that girl’s grandfather.

Bomb_Voyage: Message removed by author

HoldenthePage: see you in three hours. So specific.


HoldenthePage: This movie is all about schedules

Bomberella: Treat Williams knows how long it takes to get to the museum.

HoldenthePage: shittttt. Her mother is dead. Dropped that bomb casually.

Bomb_Voyage: “Grandpa says college creates liberals.”

Bomb_Voyage: Okay …

Bomberella: And he’s furloughed from the fire department. So much information in this conversation.

HoldenthePage: He does have a nice smile. All trustworthy and what not.

Bomberella: He’s adorable.

HoldenthePage: was that guy being an asshole or welcoming?

Bomberella: Asshole.

HoldenthePage: Got it.

Bomberella: I usually assume people are being nice, but I’m pretty sure he was being a total jerk.

HoldenthePage: Seriously. His smile. So solid.

Bomberella: I know, right?

HoldenthePage: LOL WUT

Bomberella: I’d trust him with my purse.

HoldenthePage: Maybe that’s why there are no secret protocols

HoldenthePage: the budget goes to jamesons

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, are they unveiling the dinosaur now?

Bomb_Voyage: That makes sense.

Bomberella: Yes, scientists who are trying to re-animate dinosaurs, drinking Jamesons on the job is a GREAT idea.

HoldenthePage: I don’t wanna run out

HoldenthePage: It’s necessary for science… stuff

Bomb_Voyage: Where would one find an evil-guy wheelchair if one needed one?

Bomberella: They had to one-up John Hammond by giving him a wheelchair instead of a cane.

Bomb_Voyage: Actually I think that one’s just a pegboard with some silver spraypaint.

HoldenthePage: is that sweat or a scar?

Bomberella: both? sweating down a scar?

Bomb_Voyage: The soundtrack says inspiring but the dialog says evil plot.

Bomberella: The failed follow-up to Tom Petty’s “Running Down a Dream”, “Sweating Down a Scar.”

Bomberella: And that wheelchair says “shop class project”

Bomb_Voyage: This woman’s accent is so bad it has to be authentic.

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage, you could probably buy Professor X’s wheelchair. Not an evil-guy wheelchair, but still.

HoldenthePage: his wheelchair could easily be evil


Bomberella: Ewwwwwwww. “That woman has curves in places most women don’t even have places.”

HoldenthePage: wow.

HoldenthePage: Drink… cause that was bizarre

Bomberella: I just Jurassic barfed in my mouth.

Bomb_Voyage: Seriously? Brat kid runs off just as the show is getting good?

Bomb_Voyage: Of course.

HoldenthePage: she was offended by the blatant sexism? Positive thinking.

Bomberella: She knows what’s what.

HoldenthePage: she’s a liberal in the making

HoldenthePage: grandpa would NOT be proud

Bomberella: Send that girl to college!

Bomberella: Wait, no, that will make it worse.

Bomberella: Keep her uninformed here at home.

HoldenthePage: lol wait anyone was invited to this event?

HoldenthePage: It appears to be easier to get into this event than an Apple one

Bomberella: Yeah, they needed the death count to be much higher than Jurassic Park.

HoldenthePage: Fair

Bomberella: Also, they could have gotten Jeff Goldblum or 1,000 extras. So…

Bomberella: That dinosaur seems charmed by Treat’s smile.

Bomberella: He also knows what’s what.

HoldenthePage: OMG

HoldenthePage: you stole my words away

HoldenthePage: that’s what is going to save everyone in this movie

HoldenthePage: his smile

HoldenthePage: lol fuck off

Bomberella: @HoldenthePage: that’s what’s going to save us all.

Bomberella: $10 says the burn woman dies first.

HoldenthePage: did he just push her away?

Bomb_Voyage: Yep.

Bomberella: She smells.

Bomb_Voyage: Looked like it.

Bomberella: Look, guys, she forgot to wear deodorant.

Bomberella: It happens.

Bomb_Voyage: Huh, that’s a real dinosaur.…

HoldenthePage: ONE MORE THING

Bomb_Voyage: Beat me.

HoldenthePage: Drink?

Bomberella: “The people are sharp. The future is sharp. The dinosaurs teeth are sharp.”

HoldenthePage: Drink.

Bomb_Voyage: “There are over a hundred of these being prepared for worldwide distribution.”

Bomb_Voyage: Distribution to what?

Bomb_Voyage: Available now in the Dino Store!

Bomberella: Oh, snap. We thought SONIC pulses would control giant unpredictable animals. Silly us!

Bomberella: “I Bought the Dino-Store” is the obvious Weird Al remix.

HoldenthePage: seriously that girl is missing out

Bomberella: She’s got her iPod. She’s not missing anything.

Bomberella: She’s in a serious snapchat with her boyfriend.

Bomb_Voyage: Holy shit I hate her.

HoldenthePage: isn’t she just outside the auditorium?

HoldenthePage: like why isn’t he just… walking through the door

HoldenthePage: or did I miss something

Bomberella: That would be too easy.

Bomberella: Stop thinking like dads.

Bomb_Voyage: He didn’t see her leave, and like a good father that doesn’t bother him.

HoldenthePage: lol he just tried to reach out for a guy

HoldenthePage: “oh no…. no…. don’t fly away”

Bomberella: He did try to call her on his flip phone, so…

Bomb_Voyage: The dinosaur is all “Don’t Tase Me, Bro!”

Bomberella: Yes, a Taser would definitely be effective on the think leathery skin of a dinosaur.

Bomberella: *thick

Bomb_Voyage: What were they looking at on that chair?

HoldenthePage: +1

Bomberella: Blood.

HoldenthePage: oh shit he’s a fireman

Bomberella: On furlough.

HoldenthePage: and you get ten bonus points if you use fireman materials to kill dinosaurs

Bomberella: That’s what Jurassic Park was missing.

Bomberella: Firemen.

Bomb_Voyage: Someone who is willing to subject themselves to all the Asylum movies should check to see if there is a fireman’s axe in every movie.

Bomb_Voyage: Because there was one in both of the Sharknado movies we watched. Maybe it’s their thing.

Bomberella: Oh, copy of the kitchen scene in JP.

HoldenthePage: seriously. no shame in this copy

Bomberella: Whoa, Treat Williams just beheaded a dinosaur.

HoldenthePage: Did he smile while doing it? Probably gives him a boost

Bomberella: Who’s smiling now, brah?

Bomberella: (That’s what he said.)

HoldenthePage: lol you’re a firefighter find a way out

HoldenthePage: firefighter are the new 007

Bomberella: Sure, you can totally stay in a locked cabinet that we don’t know what it’s used for.

Bomberella: That seems safe.

Bomberella: This soundtrack is weird.

HoldenthePage: dinosaurs… can’t climb

Bomberella: “Are you crazy?”

Bomb_Voyage: This soundtrack is off. It’s going back and forth between whimsical and ominous.

Bomberella: Best line of the movie.

HoldenthePage: dude. this guy really sucks at his job so hard

Bomberella: “This is Japan all over again.”

HoldenthePage: I got it under control. No bro. You don’t.

Bomberella: “Sir, we have to get you out of here.”
“No, Doug is going to tell me about Japan.”

HoldenthePage: Did this just turn into die hard?

Bomb_Voyage: I think so.

HoldenthePage: I am pretty sure this is now die hard with dinosaurs and firemen

Bomberella: Do you think Doug brought his slides of Japan? Or is just recreating the pictures?

Bomberella: Ugh. That story is soooooo boring without slides.

Bomb_Voyage: LOL if someone sent me a picture of a dinosaur I would totally not believe it was real.

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella LOTS of bullet points.

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella “Doug, stop reading your slides! Just get to the damn point!”

Bomberella: And that’s how you miss out on a great investment opportunity with Geneti-Sharp.

Bomberella: I do love bullet points, though.

Bomb_Voyage: You know Geneti-Sharp is high-tech because the elevator talks like a 1980s Oldsmobile.

Bomberella: And now it’s Speed!

Bomberella: Another axe!

HoldenthePage: I can’t get over how this is basically Die Hard with dinosaurs. I’ll get past this.

Bomb_Voyage: How does a falling elevator make a fireball?

Bomberella: Well, that was a short Japan story.

Bomberella: “People died.”

Bomberella: “It was containable.” “Obviously not!”

Bomberella: “You’re fired! Now get the hell out of here!”

HoldenthePage: LOL WOAH

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage, I think all elevators run on c4.

HoldenthePage: How did he get in the room but not the dinosaurs? Firemen are so cool.

Bomb_Voyage: I like the way he keeps saying “LAFD” like it means something.

Bomberella: He not only knows the secret LAPD phone number, but he knows the secret passageway to the control room.

Bomberella: OMG, now it’s Panic Room!

Bomb_Voyage: The scientist is the first one to die? That seems unfair.

Bomberella: Seriously.

HoldenthePage: LAFD

HoldenthePage: stfu

Bomberella: He was one of the good ones.

Bomberella: LAFD! LAFD!

Bomberella: LMFAO!

Bomb_Voyage: STFU! DAUGHTER!

Bomb_Voyage: BASEMENT!

Bomb_Voyage: What the hell is this scene?

Bomberella: Wait, did that dinosaur pass Treat Williams because Treat Williams is pregnant with the dinosaur baby?

Bomb_Voyage: It’s like a really terrible battle montage.

HoldenthePage: Holy shit!

HoldenthePage: Grenades

Bomberella: With a strobe light

HoldenthePage: “They may be in trouble” If you are tossing grenades in a corporate building as ugly as that, they are in trouble sir

Bomb_Voyage: How much air do we think is in that safe?

Bomb_Voyage: Enough for a 90-minute movie?

Bomberella: More or less than the amount of air in the safe in Saw II.

HoldenthePage: been a while since I’ve watched the Saw movies

Bomberella: Wait, is she calling that guard “Uncle Leo”? Like from Seinfeld?

Bomb_Voyage: Never seen them. I avoid horror.

Bomberella: This is a bad time to have to pee.

Bomb_Voyage: Yes please kill the jerk guy.

Bomb_Voyage: I think that’s a sock puppet.

HoldenthePage: The first one is pretty legit, from what I can remember. Jerk dude is dead!

Bomberella: Saw (the first one) is great. They go down from there.

HoldenthePage: isn’t one of the rules in an emergency is to stay in lace?

Bomberella: Yes, it’s the number 1 rule.

Bomb_Voyage: LOL why are all the SWAT guys walking around with their hands on each others’ shoulders?

HoldenthePage: I can’t stomach horror as well as I used to though

Bomb_Voyage: Hey stupid girl, stop screaming. Literally the worst thing you can do in a crisis.

Bomberella: And I was wrong about the the woman. She was kill #3.

HoldenthePage: it took them that long to shoot? This is not your average SWAT team

Bomberella: SWAT guys always hold each other’s shoulders.

Bomb_Voyage: I like the cops hiding behind the car door like something dangerous is going to come out at any moment.

Bomberella: That’s what SWAT stands for: “Shoulders We All Touch.”

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella Heh. Good one.

HoldenthePage: why is he going back up?

Bomberella: He has to, @HoldenthePage. That’s his fate.

Bomb_Voyage: Something I’ve learned from movies: small arms never do any damn good against monsters.

HoldenthePage: the military?

HoldenthePage: Aight brah

Bomberella: No no no, this handgun is totally going to work. Just watch.

Bomb_Voyage: Where’s there MRAP? I’ve been watching the news. Every small-town sheriff has RPGs and MRAPs these days. All these chuckleheads have are pistols and Crown Vics?

HoldenthePage: that’s a terrible journalist. “They are shooting at anything that is large and moving” They’re dinosaurs yo… dinosaurs

HoldenthePage: budget woes

Bomb_Voyage: Large and moving … and reptilian.

Bomberella: Don’t forget reptilian.

Bomberella: Also, is there any worse sound than “wet crunching”? I don’t think so.

Bomb_Voyage: Wet squishing might be a little worse.

HoldenthePage: ohs hit the mayor is on the line

HoldenthePage: I hope it is like the powerpuff girls mayor

Bomberella: No way, wet crunching means something bony is being eaten.

Bomb_Voyage: Of course the dinosaur is chasing their car.

HoldenthePage: is he giving her driving lessons?

Bomberella: “You didn’t teach me this in driving school!”
“This IS driving school!”

Bomberella: The dinosaur is heading toward the mall…to go to the Dino Store.

HoldenthePage: what a terrible time to be a backseat driver

HoldenthePage: There’s some legit foreshadowing

Bomberella: He only knows how to be a backseat driver.

HoldenthePage: Does he have his axe?

Bomberella: This is LA and they’re the ONLY people on that road?

Bomb_Voyage: Let’s stop and have a pointless argument about how you should have filled up the gas tank.

Bomb_Voyage: “I’ll distract him as long as I can.”

HoldenthePage: uncle leo is out

HoldenthePage: that was quick

Bomb_Voyage: Gets eaten 2 seconds later.

Bomb_Voyage: Great delaying tactic, Uncle Leo.

Bomb_Voyage: I hate shaky camera so much.

Bomberella: It’s no Shakey Pizza.

HoldenthePage: her dad has not once ran I think

HoldenthePage: but yet he always appears in places

Bomb_Voyage: Dinosaur slipping on the mall floor would have been funny actually.

Bomberella: He’s got a secret weapon.

HoldenthePage: oh, he jogged just now!

Bomberella: His smile.

HoldenthePage: Ah yes. The smile.

Bomb_Voyage: I would’ve liked to see the dinosaur try to take a corner and wipe out into a Macys or something.

HoldenthePage: is he going to take on two dinosaurs?

Bomberella: Also, they meant for him to be like a villain. Never has to run, always shows up.

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage, I agree. A missed dino-slip-portunity.

Bomb_Voyage: News flash boss, your system sucks.

HoldenthePage: TURNS THOSE KNOBS. You! Pull some levers. PULL SOME LEVERS

Bomberella: “I’m a woman so I’m really bad with computers. I just hold my shaky, well-manicured hand over the keyboard until Doug pushes something.”

HoldenthePage: Basically they’re boss is Invader Zim

Bomb_Voyage: Ladies, whatever you do, don’t talk to each other! Only talk to the man in the room!

Bomberella: Serious Bechdel fail.

Bomberella: Wow, they got those barricades up real fast.

Bomb_Voyage: I might’ve given some credit for a knowing exchange of “what a dumbshit” glances there.

HoldenthePage: holy shit he has a badge

Bomberella: “Sir, you can’t be in here.”
“I’m LAFD!”

Bomb_Voyage: It’s amazing how many doors open when you shout “I’m LAFD.”

HoldenthePage: all of them, apparently

Bomberella: I don’t think “what a dumbshit” glances count. Otherwise, there would be no Bechdel fails.

HoldenthePage: and I am convinced “the mayor” is the equivalent to the powerpuffs girls mayor

Bomberella: Also, I used to have a badge. NBD.

Bomberella: Wait, the Powerpuff Girls have a mayor and it isn’t one of them?

Bomb_Voyage: Hey, bad journalist lady, fly higher.

HoldenthePage: I would not listen to that epically terrible journalist

Bomberella: I would not either.

Bomberella: Because death.

HoldenthePage: apparently spinning helicopter wings conveniently don’t hit dinosaurs

Bomb_Voyage: What are biotech socks? I get the joke, but I can’t even get my head around what that might mean.

Bomb_Voyage: And how do biotech socks co-exist in a world where the TV reporters use camcorders from the mid-80s?

HoldenthePage: I think they said stocks?

Bomb_Voyage: STOCKS!

Bomb_Voyage: Totally mis-heard.

Bomberella: Hahahahaha!

Bomb_Voyage: Laughing so hard at myself now.

Bomberella: Yes, we need the “behind the cage” copy shot.

HoldenthePage: so many interesting shops

HoldenthePage: oh his serious look is as good as his smile

HoldenthePage: Urban Outfitters just became actually terrifying to walk into

Bomb_Voyage: For the record, there actually are smart socks that come with an app: http://www.sensoriafitness….

Bomberella: Of course there are.

Bomberella: I sweat so much I’d just short them out.

Bomberella: How do you wash them?

HoldenthePage: excellent question

Bomberella: Pegboard wheelchair is back.

HoldenthePage: wait. woah. how did that cop get out?

Bomberella: He’s LAPD.

Bomb_Voyage: Ooh, apropos of nothing, today I learned about radium condoms. No joke.


Bomb_Voyage: NUTEX

Bomberella: LOL wut?

Bomb_Voyage: Pretty sure that’s supposed to be pronounced new-tex, but still.

HoldenthePage: It’s die hard again

Bomberella: I’m pretty sure NO ONE pronounces it new-tex.

HoldenthePage: this is a really bad time to have a deep discussion about family life

Bomberella: Well, they are in the prom dress section.

HoldenthePage: they’re splitting apart again? is this a theme? like if they stick together

Bomb_Voyage: “Honey do you know about safe sex? Here, make sure you have condoms with you just in case. These were handed down to me by your grandpa. Keep them with you.”

HoldenthePage: the dinosaurs will ifnally stop?

Bomb_Voyage: “Also if you lose your keys they glow in the dark!”

HoldenthePage: oh hell yeah

HoldenthePage: slow-mo

Bomberella: That was an amazing stunt for a 63-year-old.

Bomb_Voyage: Wait why did the dinosaur catch on fire?

Bomb_Voyage: I’ve fired a few shotguns and none of them made things explode in fire.

HoldenthePage: you were shooting at the wrong things

Bomb_Voyage: Apparently I needed to aim for the gas-filled dinosaurs.

HoldenthePage: only way man

Bomb_Voyage: Maybe it’s gassy from all those people it’s been eating.

Bomberella: Its digestive system isn’t use to them, okay?

HoldenthePage: a plank of wood…

HoldenthePage: a plank of wood…. killed a dinosaur

HoldenthePage: not the shotguns

Bomberella: A plank of wood…in the hands of Treat Williams.




Bomberella: jinx

Bomb_Voyage: DAMMIT!

Bomb_Voyage: They talked to each other and all the dinosaurs escaped.

Bomb_Voyage: See, women? See what happens when you dialogue?

Bomberella: I don’t think screaming in unison counts as talking to each other.

HoldenthePage: wait

HoldenthePage: so they had the budget for all these damn dinosaurs

HoldenthePage: but no straps?

HoldenthePage: good to know

Bomb_Voyage: I thought they were all “something something Rosario.” Isn’t one of their names Rosario?

HoldenthePage: @bomberella on point

HoldenthePage: godzilla? this movie is godzilla now

Bomb_Voyage: Also King Kong.

Bomberella: Look, Kenny was in charge of the straps, okay. We already know he screwed up. He will be seriously talked to when this is all over.

HoldenthePage: and king kong

HoldenthePage: gosh. So much going on

Bomberella: There are so many movies to steal from.

Bomb_Voyage: They’re basically shoehorning anything into this that they can.

HoldenthePage: thread the needle?

HoldenthePage: through the pipe?

HoldenthePage: 5×5? the fuck

HoldenthePage: what does that mean? How is the CEO still like a savior figure?

Bomberella: @HoldenthePage, he’s an old white dude and this is ‘merica.

Bomberella: Obvi.

Bomb_Voyage: Tell you what. He doesn’t seem to have done a bang-up job putting himself back together, either. I bet he winds up in a wheelchair again before this is all over.

HoldenthePage: I should take a drink every time I think about this movie too critically

Bomberella: Yes. Are you drinking the Dino-sour and isn’t it delicious?

Bomberella: “He’s a firefighter and this is NOTHING AT ALL LIKE A FIRE so of course we have to remind you every 2 seconds he’s LAFD.”

HoldenthePage: No. I regret it. But this was a very spur of the moment decision

HoldenthePage: no gin in the house. only beer and captain morgan so.. you know… classy

HoldenthePage: WALKIE!

Bomberella: Before I started doing these blogs I only had beer and SoCo left over from a party several years ago.

Bomberella: Oh, and my homemade kahlua.

Bomberella: That will make a reappearance once it starts to get cooler out.

HoldenthePage: sidenote: fall is coming and I love it

Bomberella: Fall is my favorite.

Bomb_Voyage: Somehow those helicopters were flying under the dinosaur?

Bomb_Voyage: It wasn’t actually that big.

Bomberella: The captain is going down with his ship…

HoldenthePage: his ugly ship

Bomberella: “Final words…final words…”

HoldenthePage: “heh.”

Bomberella: “My father’s final words were: ‘final words.'”

HoldenthePage: rock and roll…

Bomberella: Or, “rock and roll,” I guess.

Bomberella: And then screaming.

Bomb_Voyage: And wet crunching.

Bomberella: So bad, right?

HoldenthePage: what this movie has taught me is everyone has terrible aim

Bomb_Voyage: I think the soundtrack is up to about 80% wet crunching now.

Bomberella: Another spectacular stunt.

HoldenthePage: wow

Bomb_Voyage: @HoldenthePage Also helicopters are pretty much the same as in old Nintendo video games. They’re all armed with missiles.

HoldenthePage: he is sooo strong

Bomberella: Nooooooooooooooooooo!

HoldenthePage: oh fuck

Bomberella: It’s the beginning of Cliffhanger!

Bomb_Voyage: That scene from Cliffhanger still pisses me off. There’s literally no way that buckle shearing off would have resulted in a fall.

Bomb_Voyage: It wasn’t even the thing that was holding his harness together.

HoldenthePage: that was like GTA III level graphics right there

Bomberella: OMG nerds! Both of you!

HoldenthePage: actually now that I think about it, there is probably a MOD of GTA with dinosaurs

Bomb_Voyage: I couldn’t even enjoy Cliffhanger because the opening scene was so unbelievable.

Bomb_Voyage: “I’m LAFD let me drive the helicopter.”

Bomberella: The two of you. Seriously.

HoldenthePage: hahaha

Bomb_Voyage: “Oh, LAFD? But of course!”

HoldenthePage: This is not hovering! Hover

Bomberella: “This is not hovering! HOVER!”

Bomberella: jinx

HoldenthePage: do you ever notice the pilot is never ever ever the boss?

HoldenthePage: like he controls the plane or helicoptor


Bomberella: The same is true for cops and drivers.

HoldenthePage: yet his or her opinion means nothing

HoldenthePage: lol

Bomberella: The person driving is considered lower status.

Bomb_Voyage: Treat is having a lot of close calls with helicopter rotors.

Bomberella: Even though you’d think driving is considered the higher status/more powerful position.

Bomb_Voyage: What do we think? Pterodactyl or pteranadon?

Bomberella: I thought pterodactyl.

HoldenthePage: he is a spry dude

HoldenthePage: I am quite confident I’d be tired. I should work out more.

Bomberella: But then Treat said pteranadon and I just have to believe him.

Bomberella: It’s awfully sqwaky, whatever it is.

Bomberella: Was.

HoldenthePage: my roommate said it sounds like I’m watching softcore porn…

HoldenthePage: so…. now you know that

Bomb_Voyage: That puppet they are using to be the mouth when we’re looking at the pteranadon’s perspective is just terrible.

Bomberella: “And all the girls say he’s pretty spry, for an old guy.”

HoldenthePage: ^yes

Bomberella: That’s the remix I wanted Weird Al to write when I was in high school.

HoldenthePage: wow that’s a scene

HoldenthePage: definitely stolen from something

Bomb_Voyage: There was no moment during this movie that convinced me Treat’s daughter went through any kind of character development.

Bomberella: She’s, like, 15. Give her 10 years.

HoldenthePage: she told her dad her true feelings?

Bomberella: Maybe 15.

Bomberella: Well, that was pretty terrible.

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella No.

Bomberella: But why?

Bomb_Voyage: I give it 2 stars. It was better than Sharknado 2.

HoldenthePage: Yup. Sufficiently awful.

Bomberella: It was better than Sharknado 2.

Bomberella: I’d give it a solid 2.5; 3 for the commentary.

HoldenthePage: I don’t have any other terrible movies to compare it against so I’ll go with two

HoldenthePage: i mean like… their is a bad movie… then there is this

Bomb_Voyage: Sharknado 2 might be the low point. Zeta One was pretty bad, too, but the go-go dancer at the end kind of redeemed it for me.

Bomberella: Zeta One!

Bomberella: I feel like that one made the feminist part of me weep.

Bomberella: Which is all of me.

Bomberella: I’m excited for next week, though!

HoldenthePage: If you guys let me know what the drink mix is ahead of time, I’ll prepare. I had fun!

Bomberella: Come back again, @HoldenthePage. We’re watching Big Trouble in Little China!

Bomberella: Not sure what the drink will be. A Kurt Russell? Is that a thing?

Bomb_Voyage: I mean, you need to reserve one star for Gigli and Sharknado 2 and Game of Death. If you added all of them up, you’d still only get to about 1.6 stars.

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella I think we have to drink a cheap-ass Chinese beer, because that’s what Kurt Russel is always drinking.

Bomberella: Oh, no, wait. We definitely have to drink “Green Eyed Ladies.”

Bomb_Voyage: Oh, good call.

Bomb_Voyage: Is that a real thing or are you just going to make it up?

Bomberella: Yes it’s a real thing.

Bomberella: I might be tweaking the recipe, though.

Bomberella: So, @HoldenthePage, you’ll join us again?

HoldenthePage: are more people welcome to do this? I could probably get one or two additional people thrown in but don’t want to overwhelm

Bomb_Voyage: Bring them on! The more the merrier!

HoldenthePage: yeah, why not. Alcohol and terrible movies mix well

Bomberella: For real.

Bomberella: It’s also fun to watch them live with someone.

Bomberella: Ben bailed on me (boo!) but I think that’s because he’s planning his wedding. Or something.

Bomb_Voyage: Lame.

Bomberella: I know, right?

Bomb_Voyage: Okay everyone. Join us next week for Big Trouble in Little China, which we all love but is objectively awful. I can’t wait!

Bomberella: Me too!

The post Cinéma Atroce: Age of Dinosaurs appeared first on Bitter Empire.