Ben's Beers

Full disclosure, we picked this movie on an impulse. Which seems fitting when you know the premise. (Sorry, women everywhere!)

In tonight’s movie, Bad Johnson, Rich Johnson is a classic womanizer (see also: Wilt Chamberlain, Sam Malone, Joey Tribbiani, Hugh Hefner, Warren Beatty, The Fonz, Casanova, Genghis Khan, Don Juan, Jack Nicholson, Barney Stinson, James Bond, yadda yadda you get the picture). Anyway, Rich, played by a man named Cam Gigandet (we’re not making this up), decides that treating women like live blow-up dolls may not be the best way to exist, so he makes a wish that his most prized possession/body part leave him alone. Unfortunately, said wish comes true: his “johnson” detaches and takes human form. Yep.

We can’t believe we’re watching this either, but here goes. We’ve changed it up so it’s a chat, so please join in the commentary!

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail Pour yourself a brewski, find a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Bad Johnson on Netflix, and pull up the livechat starting at 9pm CDT.

Jump right down to the livechat.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail Bro Juice

Because this is a total dude movie (Bomberella’s inner feminist died a little watching the trailer), this evening we’re going with Bro Juice, aka beer. But, it’s home-brewed, so, you know, classy.

Tonight’s Livechat

Bomb Voyage: After watching the preview I’m kind of optimistic that this movie will have moments of actual humor.

Bomberella: I think it’s the type of movie where the one or two funny moments were used in the trailer. But I’m hoping I’m wrong.
I’m also hoping this fails the Bechdel test, only because it would be so sad if it passed.

Bomb Voyage: If this passes the Bechdel test, the test is meaningless.

Bomberella: So true. So true.

benji_kowalsky: Just so you know, we are drinking my bro-juice.
you read that right.

Bomberella: groan

benji_kowalsky: been living off my own bro juice for months now. Never felt better.

Bomberella: Believe it or not, gals, he’s not single.
Okay, are we ready to do this? (That’s what he said.)

Bomb Voyage: I am not drinking bro juice, because beer hates me. I am drinking a Bro…ld Fashioned.

benji_kowalsky: My body is prepared. I’m unsure of my soul.

Bomb Voyage: Ready!

Bomberella: Push play!
Part of my soul already died.

benji_kowalsky: Roman Empire productions. Now I know why it fell.

Bomb Voyage: Do you think it’s pronounced GiganDAY? GiganDET?

Bomberella: It’s GiganDAY
Actually, it’s not that big.

Bomb Voyage: You sound confident.

benji_kowalsky: was he wearing underwear in that scene?

Bomb Voyage: I’m actually 100% okay with making fun of purity rings though.

Bomberella: They’re always wearing underwear.

Bomb Voyage: Bros in the gym, obviously.

Bomberella: Speaking of which, Purity Ring is playing tonight in the Cities.
Not kidding.
“Not to be a dick…” Is that foreskin?
I mean, foreshadowing.

Bomb Voyage: We men are so helpless! We can’t control ourselves! Our penises dictate all our actions!

Bomberella: “We’re just a bunch of bees trying to beat biology.”

benji_kowalsky: wow. I can’t even make fun of this movie.

Bomb Voyage: HIS NAME IS DICK JOHNSON GET IT?

Bomberella: True story, a beloved former neighbor of mine is named Rich Johnson. It hurts me to type that.
IT’S RICH, I’ve told you a hundred times. RICH.

Bomb Voyage: Who the hell names their kid DICK JOHNSON?
Cruel people that’s who.

Bomberella: Who names them John Johnson? Worse people.

Bomb Voyage: Dick Johnson: “I’m so helpless there are hot women nearby.”

Bomberella: I just gasped at the smoking comment.

benji_kowalsky: wow you’re a slurpy girl. I gasped at that one.

Bomberella: One week. Can he make it six?
Three weeks later we do drugs together. Because.

benji_kowalsky: 3 weeks later… They finally smoke pot together

Bomb Voyage: Isn’t weed a first-date thing?
Or does it depend on whether it’s legal?

Bomberella: If it’s a first date thing with me, there is no second date.

Bomb Voyage: Oh, I know what’s going to happen! He’s going to screw someone on his way home to finally screw his new girlfriend.

Bomberella: Shouldn’t he be icing his injury or something?

benji_kowalsky: i wish that “I was listening to rap music” worked for me.

Bomberella: I’ve been rear-ended twice (no jokes please) and this didn’t happen either time.

Bomb Voyage: It’s like the script writer pulled the pickup scenes from bad porn.

benji_kowalsky: well… This situation turned around quickly!

Bomberella: I mean, it’s like everyone is running (or driving) around just waiting for another person to cross paths with so they can have sex.

Bomb Voyage: Totally normal.

benji_kowalsky: the bold back and forth dialogue is so snappy.
WHY ARE THERE TEETH MARKS ON HIS DICK?!?!

Bomberella: Should there ever be teeth marks there? Ever?
The blow job is not missing. The woman who used him as a chew toy is.

benji_kowalsky: dude didn’t get a blowjob he nearly got eaten

Bomb Voyage: Whoa that escalated quickly.

benji_kowalsky: Legit question: has the writer of this movie ever given or received a blowjob?

Bomb Voyage: I’m not sure which is worse, having a meat cleaver thrown at you or having someone leave teeth marks on your johnson.

Bomberella: Is anyone else sad for that girl? She just had a six-week relationship that mostly involved cuddling and fun activities AND her door got ruined in the process. And she didn’t even get any action.
I feel like this movie should be renamed “Tools with Tools.”

benji_kowalsky: Douchbagassholecheaters.com

Bomb Voyage: douchebagassholecheaters.com
Jinx.
douchebag-asshole-cheaters.com, actually.
No go. Lame.

Bomberella: But he’s the Featured Douchebag, guys.

Bomb Voyage: Guys this might help tonight: http://www.thesaurus.com/br…

Bomberella: He’s responsible for Michael Gross lookalikes meth habit. Whoa.

benji_kowalsky: How many careers did this movie ruin? Answer: not enough. Never enough.

Bomberella: Okay, most innuendoed tool: Go!

Bomb Voyage: What is his tattoo?

Bomberella: Ballpeen hammer

benji_kowalsky: this is your dick I’m in an alley downtown

Bomberella: That’s not his tattoo, that was my answer.

benji_kowalsky: you know what’s not believable about this whole scenario? Who the fuck makes a collect call?

Bomberella: “It’s me, your penis.” Is that more or less scary than “It’s me, your son.”?

Bomb Voyage: Can you even make a collect call anyore?
anymore

Bomberella: I think you can from a payphone. Are there payphones left?

benji_kowalsky: borrow someone’s cellphone, dick.

Bomberella: You can’t expect a penis to carry quarters.
Where would he store them?

benji_kowalsky: you don’t want to know.

Bomberella: It’s not like he has a sack.
So here’s what I want to know: the whole time his penis is detached, how does he pee?

Bomb Voyage: That’s what we all want to know.
“Where’s that grip I know?”
LOL

benji_kowalsky: do uti’s even have a smell?
does he mean yeast infection?
did the writer actually get those things confused

Bomb Voyage: I think the writer is confused about many things.
“I’ve got my own dick and it’s not even as big as I was.”

Bomberella: Is it a micro penis? It should be a micro penis.

benji_kowalsky: A dick is about to go take his first shit. What am I doing with my life.

Bomb Voyage: Of course he has Maxim.

benji_kowalsky: this movie was probably crowd sourced through an ad in maxim

Bomb Voyage: Maybe we’ll find out about the peeing thing now.
What is distinctive about an Asian man’s armpit?

Bomberella: We’re all wondering that.

Bomb Voyage: Why are all the padlocks in the locker room unlocked?
I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS MOVIE.

Bomberella: We’re all now wondering that as well.

benji_kowalsky: its probably something someone overheard while high and was like “that’s brilliant man. That’s fucking brilliant. I’m putting that in my movie.”

Bomberella: His friend just touched his junk.

benji_kowalsky: Is this movie about the tyranny of the patriarchy?

Bomb Voyage: Do you think Dick Johnson is tucked so there’s no evidence of his package in any scene?
Because I’m basically just staring at his crotch now.

Bomberella: If I were the friend I would not be involved. What if the same thing happened to him? Or the johnson attached to the friend so he had two?
And probably on the tucked.
So he’s gone from treating women well but in a fake way so he can have sex with them and then treat them like crap to just treating them like crap. It’s the pendulum of misogyny!

Bomb Voyage: So do we think he can pull off charming now that he’s dickless?

benji_kowalsky: Guys what it this is an elaborate critique of the mean lioness esp

Bomberella: No. He’s also witless.
Mean lioness?

Bomb Voyage: Guess what I realized. His dick is a dick.

benji_kowalsky: Fuck my life. Wow. This iPad ruined my insight.

Bomberella: Profound.

Bomb Voyage: Also turns out his dick is what makes him cool.

Bomberella: Which is weird, because his dick is not at all cool.

Bomb Voyage: Oh I dunno. If I were his friend I’d totally be hanging out with his dick, not him.

Bomberella: Really? Really?
I meant that about this montage.

Bomb Voyage: No matter how depressed I get, I cannot imagine myself sitting on the floor with a bottle of vodka and a banana on a cutting board.
What could he have been doing?

Bomberella: That scene was only so he could chop something phallic.

benji_kowalsky: Is everyone terrible in this movie?

Bomb Voyage: “You let some girl gnaw on your penis like a number 2 pencil.”

Bomberella: I hope no one ever calls me little baby penguin girl.

Bomb Voyage: So I’m back to how is that sexy at all.

benji_kowalsky: the writer must be one of those guys who was like ” I’m an equal opportunity offender! I offend everyone!”

Bomberella: Everyone is terrible. And superficial. But they all like slurpees, so there’s that.

benji_kowalsky: and then like, all of his friends have to apologize for him.

Bomb Voyage: Also he’s a dick TO his dick.

Bomberella: And there’s the one joke that was funny in the trailer.

Bomb Voyage: Yeah basically.
I did like the family plan joke, though.
Good one.

Bomberella: Funnier in the trailer.

Bomb Voyage: There is so much goddamn bro in this movie.

benji_kowalsky: And it wasn’t funny in context.

Bomb Voyage: “You can go stand in front of the hardware store with the illegals.”

Bomberella: Have we even seen two women interact?

benji_kowalsky: thsactually may be it guys… The worst movie we have ever seen.

Bomb Voyage: Absolutely not. Gigli is the low bar.

Bomberella: This may surpass Gigli for me.

Bomb Voyage: Strippers do not hit on men for no money.
Even script writers should know that.

Bomberella: Also, Ben says that in the sisters/mom scene they exchanged a look. Survey says: doesn’t count.

Bomb Voyage: Especially script writers.

Bomberella: She was paid. Boom.

Bomb Voyage: Oh good.
“Your dick could sell dog shit to a freshly mowed lawn.” I bet the writer was really proud of that one.

benji_kowalsky: You don’t seem fine, rich.
lets talk about it.
or not. Apparently we went too long without hearing sex noises.

Bomberella: Or you can just overhear your dong getting it on.
Oh wait, he wants to talk about it.

Bomb Voyage: This is deep, man.

benji_kowalsky: French in there. Some real Sartre shit right there.

Bomberella: It’s weird, because it seems as though his dick is treating his own dick the same way Rich treated him.
I was kind of hoping he’d be better.

Bomb Voyage: I got lost in that comment.

benji_kowalsky: there were more women in The Thing

Bomberella: All the stuff no-name was complaining about to Rich, he is doing to his own micropenis.

benji_kowalsky: no one in this movie or involved with this movie is writing the great American novel.

Bomberella: I don’t have a penis and it hasn’t helped me write the Great American Novel. In fact, it would probably hurt me if I tried to get published.

Bomb Voyage: I’m pretty fired up because I made two cocktails tonight and put one in the fridge, so all I had to do was drop an ice cube in the second one.

Bomberella: So smart you are.

Bomb Voyage: Smarter than whoever made this movie.

benji_kowalsky: call 911 lady you have a stalker!

Bomb Voyage: Although here we are watching it and arguably making it more successful.

Bomberella: I hate that this movie referenced The Princess Bride. Also, I don’t know that every girl wants to be kissed in the rain.
“I feel like I’ve been de-toxing hard core.” “From what?” “Women.”
Of course he drives a black Jeep.
If I couldn’t pee like normal, I probably wouldn’t drink a lot of beer.

Bomb Voyage: Don’t break the seal!
Who the hell are these teenagers?

Bomberella: So many offensive comments.

Bomb Voyage: I did not know about the Jill thing, though. http://www.urbandictionary….

benji_kowalsky: This movie has made me realize something: cutting off my own dick is the only solution to leading a somewhat happy life.

Bomb Voyage: Wait, wrong link.
This: http://www.urbandictionary….

benji_kowalsky: i mean, look at how he has meaningful interactions now!

Bomberella: No one’s believing your sob story, sister.

Bomb Voyage: He had a skater phase?
And it involved Jnco?
I don’t even.

Bomberella: “I was that chubby girl with the bad skin and pink bands around her braces. I also had glasses because all of those things make you ugly. And my hair was a lot browner.”

Bomb Voyage: For every attempt at a redeeming quality in anyone in this movie there are five things that make me want to kick someone in the balls.
I’m lost in this beer metaphor.

benji_kowalsky: this is the meaningful talk right here
this is Cameron Crowe shit right here
cameron crowe

Bomberella: “We’re the expensive microbrews. Someone will come along, make us the only thing they drink.” Mind: blown.

benji_kowalsky: all over this
it’s like Cameron crowe’s douchebag little brother.

Bomb Voyage: LOL
This guy thinking he’s having a meaningful relationship is basically the worst thing ever.

Bomberella: No one’s believing you tried to pursue a career in MMA, friend.

benji_kowalsky: it actually makes me hate the very concept of being in a relationship

Bomb Voyage: Ooh, I just coined a phrase: brogasm.
This movie is a brogasm.

benji_kowalsky: or not being in one at the same time

Bomb Voyage: Oh dammit I didn’t make it up. http://www.urbandictionary….

Bomberella: Okay, pivotal moment…

Bomb Voyage: Did he forget he doesn’t have a penis?

benji_kowalsky: both are equally just meaningless tropes through which we struggle to live out our pointless lives.

Bomberella: I’m now super depressed. Thanks, Benji.
Isn’t her sister’s wedding supposed to be happening?

Bomb Voyage: “A guy turning down sex is like a dog turning down chocolate.”

benji_kowalsky: that is a terrible analogy Susan!

Bomb Voyage: Wait, isn’t chocolate poison for dogs?

Bomberella: Benji pointed out the same thing.

benji_kowalsky: im naming her Susan. I don’t think she is going to get a name.

Bomb Voyage: Also they were talking about a guy, so no go.
Ooh, she got a name. Samantha.

benji_kowalsky: so close!

Bomberella: R.P. = Rich’s Penis.

Bomb Voyage: Ooh, good call.
LOL women are so fickle.

Bomberella: Awwww, you lied because you were nervous and that doesn’t make me question your intentions or credibility at all.

benji_kowalsky: Noooooo don’t fall for the penis!

Bomberella: They were sponsored by the slurpee place.

Bomb Voyage: Pretty sure 7-11 bought a product placement in this movie.
To their shame.

benji_kowalsky: funniest scene right there
who kicks a tree?
its a tree!

Bomberella: Even Trojan didn’t want to be shown. In that pharmacy scene in the beginning they were named “Spartan.”

Bomb Voyage: Sparten, to be exact.

benji_kowalsky: If this movie were just a two hour gif of that guy kicking a tree. I would say it’s better.

Bomb Voyage: Agreed.

Bomberella: Wow. Full frontal. He’s like a Ken doll.

Bomb Voyage: It was blurred out though.
They must not have had the budget for CGI.

Bomberella: Even if we can assume R.P. paid the bus boy to pants Rich, when would he have had the opportunity?

Bomb Voyage: I think that was the scene where he took something off the table or whatever.

Bomberella: Ugh. When I don’t go for the kiss initially, don’t go for it a second time.
This movie just gets women. So well.

benji_kowalsky: Nailed.

Bomberella: I mean, Nick Carter? Swoon.
“Gotcha anyway.”? Barf.

Bomb Voyage: This movie has totally nails women as viewed through the lens of high-school boys.

benji_kowalsky: how does he keep finding these pay phones and why does this dude keep accepting his collect calls

Bomberella: This movie also found the ONE payphone.

Bomb Voyage: Seriously, what the hell is his tattoo?

Bomberella: It’s a dragon.

benji_kowalsky: the guy with the dragon tattoo

Bomb Voyage: I know the actors were just hoping to catch a break, but it’s really hard to imagine anyone ever casting them in anything after this movie.

Bomberella: Beat me to it.

Bomb Voyage: “Oh, you were in that movie where you acting like a complete fucking douchebag?”
“Yeah, don’t call us; we’ll call you.”

benji_kowalsky: “you know he played a dick to a t in that film.”

Bomberella: “Aren’t you going to be hot when you get older” gross.

Bomb Voyage: This movie definitely makes me hate humanity more than Gigli.

Bomberella:
Bomb Voyage: apparently the Bro-ld Fashioned was a good drink choice. Cam Gigandet likes them…
http://www.elle.com/culture…

Bomb Voyage: The opening paragraph of that article makes me want to punch the Internet.

Bomberella: He’s apparently been in plenty since this movie. Including the remake of the Magnificent Seven. And he was in Easy A. And his middle name is Joslin.

benji_kowalsky: The only gay man in the movie and he’s a wretched troll

Bomb Voyage: Aaand it’s getting rapey.

Bomberella: Yes, I often respond well to being thrown over someone’s shoulder.
Why’d he ruin the cake?
That was unnecessary.

benji_kowalsky: And no cops intervened through the whole kidnapping.

Bomberella: And he just farted in her face.
And now he’s going to throw her off the building?
Insult-injury.

Bomb Voyage: Oh hay, it’s Chicago!

Bomberella: Okay Lindsay, you just had three weeks of intense training sessions. Put them to use!

Bomb Voyage: The Eternal Struggle Between Men and Their Penises.

Bomberella: Yawn.

Bomb Voyage: Yawn.

benji_kowalsky: TWIS
TWISTTTTTT
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE MOTHERFUCKERS. BOOOOO
I LOST MY DICK AND MY LIFE BEGAN

Bomberella: Don’t worry, I’ve changed and now totally deserve a nice person.

Bomb Voyage: He’s beating his dick.
Literally.

Bomberella: And his dick is stronger than he is.
Don’t tell the villain what you’re about to do.
Duh.

benji_kowalsky: and now you see the point of this whole movie.

Bomb Voyage: I’m totally lost.
At least they acknowledged the trope for a second.

Bomberella: He took something to make his penis stronger.
Stage direction: stiffen.
But weirdly, he didn’t get an erection himself.
I mean, R.P. on his little P.

benji_kowalsky: how many people are rethinking their involvement with this improv group?

Bomberella: I don’t think this is an improv group. They’re not that clever.
True love’s kiss saves the day.

Bomb Voyage: THE PENIS DISAPPEARED!
The first thing he does is look at another woman.
And she’s the most gullible woman in the world.

Bomberella: “Now that he’s back, I can’t promise that I won’t be a total horndog and cheat on you. But I can promise that I won’t get caught again.”

Bomb Voyage: Was there anything redeeming about this movie?

Bomberella: Nope.
Not even the credits.

Bomb Voyage: 1 star for me.

benji_kowalsky: I wNt to die.

Bomberella: “Rich’s Girlfriend. Hot Redhead. Random Girl. Mature Woman.”

benji_kowalsky: no. I want to go back in time and die before I saw this movie

Bomb Voyage: Dear Netflix: Never show me a movie like this again.

Bomberella: I wish I could give it 0 stars, because that’s who was in it.

benji_kowalsky: Kind of hurts my dick too

Bomberella: But it’s a 1 from me.
Benji, what do you rate it as? Two thumbs not erect?

Bomb Voyage: I’m going to watch Mortal Kombat next, because it’s a cinematic triumph in comparison.
So we’ll figure out something less bro-tastic for next week, right?

benji_kowalsky: ItZero. Zero stars and I hope whoever made it has a boil on his neck.

Bomberella: Yes please. I’ve had my fill of bro-ness for a while.

benji_kowalsky: like a really bad one.
and he has no idea where it came from.

Bomberella: Any suggestions for next week?

benji_kowalsky: and the. Spiders bust out of it.
baby spiders
thousands of them.

Bomberella: Stop writing about spiders in boils!
Give us a movie suggestion, Benji
What do you want to watch?

benji_kowalsky: in the night while he is sleeping so he doesn’t know and they get everywhere.
EVERYWHERE
BABY SPIDERS EVERYWHERE

Bomberella: That’s not a movie

benji_kowalsky: i don’t know guys I am kind of feeling maybe something with spiders I. It.

Bomb Voyage: Arachnophobia?
Probably not on demand on Netflix.

Bomberella: That is a good bad non-bro movie. I’m not sure it’s still on streaming though. It was recently and I watched it.

benji_kowalsky: 8 legged freaks?

Bomb Voyage: http://www.netflix.com/WiMo…
“Spiders” seems appropriate.

benji_kowalsky: Big Ass Spider

Bomberella: Benji is voting for Big Ass Spider.

Bomb Voyage: Is that a movie?

Bomberella: Yes, it got four stars.

Bomb Voyage: Sweet. I’m in. http://www.netflix.com/WiMo…

Bomberella: It also has size where “Spiders” has quantity.
Okay, so Big Ass Spider it is! Tune in next Tuesday for another live chat!

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