We almost didn’t pick this movie because it’s sooooooo good, but it’s also pretty bad, and good-bad is what we love at Cinéma Atroce, so here we are. We hesitate to give too much away if you haven’t seen it, but the premise is actually pretty simple. A truck driver named Jack Burton (played by perennial favorite, Kurt Russell) gives his friend, Wang Chu, a ride to the airport to pick up Wang’s green-eyed fiancée, Miao, but before they get to her, she’s kidnapped by crime lords and then taken to a sorcerer, Lo Pan, who needs her because of an ancient curse, for which he must marry a woman with green eyes, but he also has to sacrifice a woman with green eyes for something else, but that’s cool because along comes Gracie Law (played by Kim Cattrall), who–guess what?–also has green eyes, and now Jack and Wang have to save Miao and Gracie, and there’s three storms and a guy named Egg and someone whose head swells and lots of terrible fighting and Jack wears his jeans tucked into his boots and his tank top tucked into his jeans, and he says lots of hilarious things, like, “It’s all in the reflexes.” Got it? You know what, just watch the movie. And, please join in the commentary!

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Big Trouble in Little China on Netflix, and pull up the livechat starting at 9pm CDT.

Jump right down to the livechat.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Host Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-chat at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail

The Green-eyed Lady

1/2 oz. triple sec
1 oz. pineapple rum
1/2 oz. Sour Blue Pucker
1 oz. Peach Schnapps
1 oz. vodka
Pineapple-Mango-Guava fruit juice

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and shake together ingredients. Strain into a highball glass.

Tonight’s Livechat

Bomb_Voyage: If you’re joining us for the first time, you should definitely like Cinéma Atroce on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ci…

Bomberella: Or even if you’re not joining us for the first time but you haven’t liked us yet.

Bomberella: It’s a great way to find out what movies and events are coming up next.

Bomberella: And, if there’s a movie you want us to live-chat (and make fun of) you can post a request for us there.

Bomb_Voyage: Confession: I did not make the Green-Eyed Lady cocktail @Bomberella recommended. I made a vodka gimlet which is also green.

Bomb_Voyage: In other words, I’m closer to on-theme than ever before!

Bomberella: Yay!

Bomberella: The Green-Eyed Lady is delicious. Mine turned out kind of muddy-green, but I guess that counts, right?

Bomb_Voyage: As long as it looks like Kim Cattrall’s eyes.

Bomb_Voyage: She’ll always be Gracie Law to me.

Bomberella: Well, it looks like the weird green overlay they do to her eyes in this movie, so I guess that counts.

Bomb_Voyage: Yeah, apparently neither of leading women actually has green eyes.

Bomb_Voyage: IMDB!

Bomb_Voyage:

Bomberella: Well, certainly not the weird green this movie likes to pretend they have. NO ONE has eyes that color.

Bomb_Voyage: Snake Plissken quotes are also fair game tonight, right?

Bomb_Voyage: From Kurt Russell’s Wikipedia entry: “In 1966, before Walt Disney died, the final words he ever wrote were “Kurt Russell.” No one knows why.”https://en.wikipedia.org/wi…

Bomb_Voyage: There’s no citation. That’s got to be some pretty amazing Wikipedia vandalism.

Bomberella: That is awesome.

Bomberella: Of course Snake Plissken quotes are fair game.

Bomberella: Like Jack Burton always says…

Bomb_Voyage: Probably not true. But maybe: http://spinoff.comicbookres…

Bomberella:

Bomberella: That was to show Kim Cattrall’s weird green eyes.

Bomberella: But I guess it also shows her weird makeup.

Jon Bomb Jovi: not sold on Netflix pre-playing movies when you click for more information

Bomb_Voyage: Me neither.

Bomb_Voyage: When we’re trying to start together I have to remember to stop it really quickly!

Bomberella: Welcome, Jon Bomb Jovi!

Bomb_Voyage: Yes, hello! And nice handle!

Bomb_Voyage: Very much on theme.

Bomberella: I’m not sold on that feature either.

Bomberella: But it’s movie time, so is everyone ready?

Bomb_Voyage: Ready!

Jon Bomb Jovi: yep

Bomberella: Push Play NOW!

Jon Bomb Jovi: Is that the grandfather from 3 Ninjas?

Jon Bomb Jovi: yeah….

Bomberella: I used to take the Chinatown to Chinatown bus when I lived in NYC. None of the bus drivers reminded me of Egg Shen.

Bomberella: Sadly.

Bomberella: “You leave Jack Burton alone!”

Bomberella: Cue song “Do You Believe in Magic”

Bomb_Voyage: Sorry. Mesmerized. I’m so happy we’re watching this.

Bomb_Voyage: Pork Chop Express!

Bomb_Voyage: So Jack Burton is basically an old-school podcaster?

Bomberella: Or he’s just a truck driver with a CB

Bomberella: I mean, that’s kind of what they did.

Bomberella: Do.

Bomb_Voyage: “Have you paid your dues, Jack? Yessir the check is in the mail.”

Bomberella: But, yes, an old-school podcaster.

Bomberella: He’s the original “This American Life.”

Jon Bomb Jovi: pretty sure this soundtrack was copied on every Sega Genesis fighting game

Bomb_Voyage: Oh yes. I can hear Jack Burton’s influence in Ira Glass’s work.

Jon Bomb Jovi: Getting flashbacks to Streets of Rage 2

Bomb_Voyage: What was the one with the two karate guys trying to rescue their girlfriends?

Jon Bomb Jovi: double dragon? final fight?

Bomberella: No idea.

Bomb_Voyage: Double Dragon!

Bomberella: I must have missed that one.

Jon Bomb Jovi: now that’s a…. movie

Bomberella: I came in at the end of the 80s karate craze.

Bomb_Voyage: I think they made it into a movie.

Bomb_Voyage: Yep: http://www.imdb.com/title/t…

Bomb_Voyage: Wang is so cool.

Bomberella:

Bomberella: Wang is cool. Despite the fedora.

Bomb_Voyage: $1,148 has to be a hidden reference to something.

Bomberella: “It’s all in the reflexes.”

Bomb_Voyage: Apparently there are Wikipedia pages for random numbers: https://en.wikipedia.org/wi…

Bomb_Voyage: Or years, I guess.

Bomberella: “A girl from China, alright. I never done that.”

Bomberella: Ewwwwwww.

Bomberella: I mean, why is that a thing to have done?

Bomb_Voyage: Jack Burton is a whole barrel of eeewww.

Bomberella: True.

Bomberella: Beautiful green eyes, like creamy jade.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh young Kim Cattrall. Only slightly hotter than not-young Kim Cattrall.

Bomberella: I have to say, creamy jade doesn’t sound really appealing.

Bomberella: “You should try standing downwind where I am when it’s Miller time.”

Jon Bomb Jovi: digging those Oculus glasses

Bomb_Voyage: I totally want those.

Bomb_Voyage: How can he see anything, though?

Bomb_Voyage: What an outfit on Jack.

Bomberella: It’s all in the reflexes, @Bomb_Voyage.

Bomberella: “Son of a bitch must pay.”

Bomb_Voyage: Something seems off about Chinese gang members driving a Camaro.

Jon Bomb Jovi: 3 Ninjas Kick Back had a plot point about a mountain of gold. Now I’m thinking it was a reference to this movie

Bomb_Voyage: Maybe the Camaro is reverse cultural appropriation.

Bomb_Voyage: Seems fair.

Bomb_Voyage: I thought this scene was the most badass thing I’d ever seen when I was like 12 or whenever I first saw this movie.

Bomberella: The funeral scene?

Bomberella: Long-haired guy with cleaver?

Bomb_Voyage: Yep. Well, this next part.

Bomberella: I didn’t see this movie until I was in my 20s. I’m not sure I could have handled it at 12.

Bomb_Voyage: Back then I also thought Jack Burton was the acme of cool.

Bomberella: I love that they have all these knives and swords but they come out shooting.

Bomberella: Gold pistols, no less.

Bomberella: And sticks.

Bomb_Voyage: They couldn’t afford enough actors who knew kung fu to make a big battle of it.

Bomb_Voyage: They had to kill off the unskilled extras.

Bomberella: “Now that we’ve shot the weak ones out of the way, the real fighting begins.”

Bomb_Voyage: I like how Jack is sitting in the truck with a knife like that will somehow do something.

Bomberella: I also love that gang colors have always been a thing

Bomb_Voyage: Is a Chinese standoff in any way similar to a Mexican standoff?

Bomb_Voyage: Wait that was a white guy.

Bomberella: That’s racist.

Bomb_Voyage: It’s easy to tell the white guys. They all have mustaches.

Bomberella: The long-haired guy with the cleaver had a mustache and he wasn’t white.

Bomberella: Like, what if your gang and another gang happened to pick the same colors. I mean, schools have that issue all the time. Do they have “home” and “away” colors?

Bomb_Voyage: Yeah but he’s super badass.

Jon Bomb Jovi: what’s raiden doing in this movie?

Bomb_Voyage: Pretty sure Mortal Kombat stole Raiden from this movie.

Bomb_Voyage: Literally the first thing I thought of when Mortal Kombat came out was “hey, that’s Lightning from Big Trouble in Little China.”

Bomberella: I love that he’s honking all he way through.

Bomberella: Lo Pan is the creepiest.

Bomb_Voyage: I love the way Lo Pan just bonks against the grille.

Bomb_Voyage: Like you’re a super-human evil guy, but you just stand there and BONK.

Bomberella: Amazing special effects.

Firebug: this group fight scene is a little anchorman esque

Bomb_Voyage: Hey Firebug! Welcome!

Bomberella: Jack Burton gratuitously took his jacket off.

Firebug: mmm puddle water!

Bomb_Voyage: Kurt Russell plays Jack Burton so well.

Bomberella: “Tall guy, weird clothes, first you see him, then you don’t.” Pure poetry.

Bomb_Voyage: Like you start thinking it’s terrible, and then you realize you know a guy like that and you kind of like him even though he’s a total douchebag.

Firebug: Thanks Bomb! I hope I can keep up with this plot 20 mins in

Bomb_Voyage: @Firebug Wait is this your first time?

Bomb_Voyage: @Firebug Seeing this movie, I mean.

Firebug: no I saw this shit when it came out I am old

Firebug: but it’s been what thirty years

Bomb_Voyage: Word.

Bomberella: They’re remaking it; The Rock is attached to it, allegedly.

Firebug: you sir are no snake lipskin

Firebug: oh god

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella That is a terrible idea.

Firebug: I feel like I should be chugging nyquil with this

Bomberella: I didn’t pick him.

Bomberella: I’m merely reporting.

Bomberella: “I got a great idea.” Famous last words.

Bomb_Voyage: So is this movie offensive to Chinese-Americans, or is it sufficiently ridiculous to just be offensive to everyone?

Firebug: wait I missed the bomb name memo this is confusing

Bomberella: Well, you’ve got fire, so that’s close.

Bomb_Voyage: I was giving you credit.

Firebug: A fire for bad cinema

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage, I think it’s offensive to everyone. Especially women with green eyes.

Bomb_Voyage: Everybody’s a caricature!

Firebug: I was offended by that white face on the head bad guy.

Bomberella: “Chinese girls do not come with green eyes.” Um, let’s not stereotype Mrs. O’Toole.

Firebug: I love those glasses

Bomb_Voyage: You know what, I’m not clear on how Lo Pan’s people wound up with the girl who was kidnapped by the Lords of Death, and what either of those things have to do with the gang fight between the Chang Sing and the Wing Chong.

Bomb_Voyage: Er, Wing Kong.

Jon Bomb Jovi: Sub Zero could totally take that guy

Bomb_Voyage: Oh I see. The Lords of Death kidnapped her to help them escape the airport, then Lo Pan got word of it and sent Lightning to kidnap her for his crazy reincarnation experiment.

Bomb_Voyage: I still don’t know why Lo Pan showed up for the gang fight, though.

Bomb_Voyage: @Jon Bomb Jovi GET OVER HERE!

Bomb_Voyage: Oh, now I see. Lo Pan is in charge of the Wing Kong. So he showed up to clean up the fight.

Firebug: Kirk reminds me of my trucker stepdad in this

Firebug: kurt i mean

Firebug: he’s channeling john wayne in this speech

Jon Bomb Jovi: So this was a premeditated B-movie?

Bomb_Voyage: Yeah, I think that’s the idea.

Bomberella: “I get it, there’s a problem with your face.”

Bomberella: That has to be my favorite quote.

Bomb_Voyage: @Jon Bomb Jovi I can’t tell. If this was meant to be campy, they nailed it.

Bomb_Voyage: If it was supposed to be serious or a comedy, they failed, but wound up making a classic.

Bomberella: I think it was intentional; Kurt Russell isn’t exactly Hamlet material.

Firebug: the old central junction box

Bomberella: Also, they named the bus driver “Egg Shen.”

Jon Bomb Jovi: I get caught up on the dialogue in thinking the whole thing is intentional – the way they cut each other off without any pauses, like they have to get out their lines before they forget them

Firebug: yeah I thought I heard egg

Firebug: egg foo shen

Firebug: every character sounds delicious

Bomberella: They probably did have to get them in before they got cut off; I’m guessing the budget was tight.

Bomb_Voyage: The awesome Wing Kong gang member is Al Leong, by the way. He’s one of those actors who is in everything but always in the background: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm…

Firebug: this is some pretty heady philosophy for a camp film

Bomb_Voyage: Actually decent budget. $20 million.

Bomb_Voyage: https://en.wikipedia.org/wi…

Firebug: the wind doesn’t walk buddy

Bomberella: I thought I recognized Al Leong. He’s got a wicked Fu Manchu.

Firebug: chained underwater corpses was my senior prom theme

Bomberella: ^Nice. I bet that was romantic.

Bomb_Voyage:

Writer Harlan Ellison, widely known in Hollywood for his brutally honest critiques, praised the film, writing that it had “some of the funniest lines spoken by any actor this year to produce a cheerfully blathering live-action cartoon that will give you release from the real pressures of your basically dreary lives.”

Bomberella: What a great review.

Bomberella: Do you think they tied Jack and Wang up in wheelchairs to make them on even ground with Lo Pan?

Firebug: you are nowhere!

Firebug: must be a temp job

Bomberella: Or because they had extra wheelchairs lying around.

Bomb_Voyage:

The twenty-third episode of the second season of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, called “A Chinatown Ghost Story,” uses concepts from the film, but renames the antagonist Lo Pan to Ho Chan.

Bomb_Voyage: Going to go watch that asap.

Bomberella: “You got a tongue, Dave, go ask her yourself.”

Bomberella: “Are you crazy, is that your problem?”

Bomberella: Comic genius.

Bomb_Voyage: I love the audacity of calling the powerful old guy “Dave.”

Firebug: every girl in every bad rookie short story has green eyes

Firebug: it’s a name of power

Bomberella: Meanwhile, only like 2% of the population has green eyes.

Firebug: wait no it’s dragon green eyes

Bomberella: “Indeed!” that’s actually my favorite line.

Bomb_Voyage: +1

Bomberella: “There are always others.” Ewwwwww.

Firebug: go off and rule the universe from behind the grave

Firebug: oh this old guy is just lonely I bet

Bomb_Voyage: Also he looks like his skin might be flaking off.

Bomberella: He has difficulties with women. I don’t understand why.

Firebug: is she april o’neal?

Bomb_Voyage: Ooh, Margo = April. Probably.

Firebug: I like his jaunt red kneckerchief

Bomb_Voyage: Look out, guys, it’s Thunder!

Firebug: jaunty

Bomberella: Gracie Law gets high for the first time.

Bomb_Voyage: Thunder don’t care about no gas.

Bomberella: “Are we going up or down? It feels like down.”

Firebug: gas in an elevator!

Firebug: living it up when it’s going dooooown

Firebug: oh suddenly he’s a contractor?

Bomberella: So the giant henchman doesn’t notice that they’ve come untied?

Jon Bomb Jovi: also, pretty sure that guy in the denim jacket was in Bloodsport

Bomberella: And Jack can just will his wheelchair upright.

Bomberella: That’s likely.

Firebug: you gotta admit the pacing in this film is good shit keeps happening

Bomberella: Kurt Russell’s contract only allows arm nudity.

Bomb_Voyage: I can’t decide if this movie is good-bad or actually just good.

Firebug: goodbye wheelchair you served him well

Bomb_Voyage: I love the guy who plays Thunder.

Bomb_Voyage: His face is awesome.

Bomberella: It toes the line of good/good-bad.

Bomberella: I think the special effects keep it solidly in the good-bad camp.

Bomb_Voyage: Lo Pan can only go where his pinky finger leads.

Bomberella: This scene is so creepy.

Bomb_Voyage: Pink finger! Take me to Miao Yin!

Bomb_Voyage: Pinky finger! Go right through the wall!

Bomb_Voyage: Pinky finger! Why are your nails so much longer?

Firebug: wait maybe they’re all hari Krishnas and this is just a funny misunderstanding

Bomberella: Pinky finger! Go right through Miao Yin!

Bomb_Voyage: That white guy with the goatee actually died in the gang battle. Pretty sure.

Bomberella: “Do we want to go up or down?”You gotta gotta go up to go down.

Bomb_Voyage: They’re recycling extras at this point.

Firebug: kurt’s face when he shot that guy

Firebug: A little sexual

Bomb_Voyage: All journalists talk out loud while writing.

Bomb_Voyage: True story.

Bomberella: I do.

Firebug: oh now this is turning into a writing workshop

Bomberella: Not going to lie, I’m kind of rooting for the women with sticks.

Firebug: jean jacket and purple shirt guy might be in love

Bomberella: ^With each other?

Bomberella: Gratuituous pool scene.

Firebug: yep they just exchanged a “bitches be crazy” look

Bomb_Voyage: When the guy asks Jack “First time you ever plugged somebody?” I remember thinking as a kid wait, you mean killing someone is something you’re supposed to do when you grow up?

Firebug: Rose!

Bomberella: Which begs the question, “You ever plug somebody?”

Firebug: there’s also a romancing the stone vibe to this movie

Bomb_Voyage: For the record, @Bomberella, we passed the Bechdel test a while ago.

Bomb_Voyage: At a minimum when Gracie and Margo were in the car together talking about her story.

Bomberella: That’s good. Let’s see how many more times we can pass it…

Firebug: uh oh they’re in the death star trash compactor now

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella At least once more, I think.

Bomberella: There’s almost an hour left of the movie. That’s sad.

Bomb_Voyage: How many times before we can actually feel good about a movie?

Firebug: oh god an hour?

Bomb_Voyage: 45 minutes more like.

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage, when we pass it in the first five minutes and pass it so many times that the test becomes irrelevant.

Firebug: that’s a fair fight right there

Bomb_Voyage: Yep, that was my favorite Jack Burton moment.

Bomb_Voyage: “HAAA!” (Wang has dispatched everyone.)

Bomberella: I hope Egg Shen is charging them by the minute.

Firebug: I want one of those nice Buddhas

Bomb_Voyage: Egg Shen is doing sorcery to pass the time.

Firebug: this is like a poor man’s Tango and Cash

Bomberella: Meanwhile, Gracie Law just got kidnapped by Bigfoot.

Bomb_Voyage: The random orange monster reminds me of the octopus in the Goonies. Just randomly there for no good reason.

Firebug: everyone on that bus should be full of bullets now

Bomb_Voyage: Or the rancor.

Jon Bomb Jovi: The rancor was awesome

Bomb_Voyage: Yeah, and it made more sense than Chinese Bigfoot.

Firebug: I think the Critters designer must have made that rancor puppet

Bomb_Voyage: Rain is all “I got the stupid storm feature.”

Bomberella: Okay, it’s more like Rancor.

Firebug: this old guy is bad at dating

Bomb_Voyage: I like that line. “You savvy English?” to the Chinese guys. Who are totally American.

Bomberella: “She’s not even your type: all brains.”

Bomberella: I feel like that was an insult to Gracie’s appearance…

Bomberella: “You have come to seek me out… with your green eyes.”

Bomb_Voyage: Despite the fact that Kim Cattrall was also in Sex and the City, I can’t see her without thinking of “that scene” from Porky’s.

Bomberella: Haven’t seen it.

Bomberella: …with my green eyes.

Bomb_Voyage: Don’t.

Bomb_Voyage: See Porky’s, I mean.

Bomb_Voyage: Having green eyes is fine.

Bomberella: I got it.

Bomberella: I have no intention to see it.

Bomberella: I know enough to know part of me will die.

Bomb_Voyage: This part is basically the Goonies.

Bomb_Voyage: “Where are you going?”

Bomberella: Or TMNT.

Bomb_Voyage: “Setting booty traps.”

Bomberella: Or Daylight.

Bomberella: Or any movie set in the sewers under the city.

Firebug: it turns out Jack has been dead the whole movie.

Bomberella: Spoilers! Jeez, Firebug.

Bomb_Voyage: I see dead people.

Bomberella: “Black blood of the earth.” Now it’s “The Beverly Hillbillies.”

Firebug: Ok old guy now you’re just making shit up

Bomb_Voyage: Oh good, Rain doesn’t have to keep using those stupid back scratchers he had in the gang war.

Bomberella: Is that shirtless guy wearing slap bracelets?

Firebug: Prince saw this movie and it inspired his entire lifestyle

Bomberella: Leopard print slap bracelets?

Firebug: yep and gold Buddhas for everyone

Firebug: Both women! Now who’s greedy for green eyes

Bomb_Voyage: You get a Buddha! And you get a Buddha! EVERYBODY GETS A BUDDHA!

Bomberella: “You have survived the burning blade, tamed the savage heart, now pick a wicked wango card and proceed up the chocolate stream and past the Molasses Swamp…”

Firebug: I wonder which Joy Division album would line up perfectly with this movie

Bomb_Voyage: Lightning has some weird skills.

Bomberella: The lifeguard in me wants to tell Jack not to dive head first through a tube with a giant knife in his mouth.

Bomb_Voyage: LOL

Firebug: kill her no!

Bomberella: @Firebug, Joy Division had more than one album?

Firebug: technically

Bomb_Voyage: I like the combination of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom set and neon lights.

Bomb_Voyage: And what the fuck is the floating head from Doom?

Firebug: wow the similarities to my prom just keep adding up

Bomberella: I love the floating green-eyed squishy ball.

Firebug: krang!

Firebug: you forgot your man suit!

Bomb_Voyage: Same thing, basically: http://doom.wikia.com/wiki/…

Bomb_Voyage:

Firebug: I love a good wedding.

Firebug: Just seeing that makes me want to shoot it with a double barrel shotgun for old times sake

Bomberella: This Flying Eyeball Monster comes in as #8 in the 10 Scariest Balls in Film.

Bomberella: http://filmschoolrejects.co…

Firebug: That’s a nice wet bar

Bomberella: And no, Chuck Norris’s left nut is not number 1.

Firebug: may the wings of liberty never lose a feather

Bomberella: I would have loved to be a set designer on this movie.

Bomberella: Costume design, not so much.

Firebug: Big Trouble in Runaway Bride!

Bomb_Voyage: I dunno, maybe you could have done a better job.

Bomberella: I definitely would have done more with Kurt Russell’s attire.

Bomb_Voyage: Demons have weird weddings.

Bomberella: I was just going to say that.

Bomberella: They have to be blood brothers first.

Bomb_Voyage: Pretty sure the state would not sanction this.

Bomb_Voyage: Might have trouble getting a license.

Bomb_Voyage: Kim Davis would be cool with it though I bet.

Bomb_Voyage: She only hates the gays. Crazy Chinese demons spawn marrying green-eyed women? Cool.

Bomb_Voyage: Also I love Jack Burton knocking himself out cold by shooting the cieling.

Bomberella: Well, it was between a man and a woman…and another woman.

Jon Bomb Jovi: doesn’t say anywhere it can’t be between a man and a woman and another woman…

Bomberella: But it appears that the women were only marrying the man. So it’s probably okay.

Bomb_Voyage: I wish I could punch guns into dust.

Bomberella: @Jon Bomb Jovi, the Sister Wives are counting on that.

Bomberella: I wish I had a knife in my fashion boots.

Bomberella: Do you think they just had a bunch of trampolines in the floor for this scene?

Bomb_Voyage: I’ve never been clear on how the whole pushing the knife out the bottom of the boots thing worked.

Bomberella: Very carefully.

Bomb_Voyage: Sorcerous rocket launcher!

Bomb_Voyage: Apparently this was before wires were used to make kung fu amazing.

Bomberella: Lo Pan is really obsessed with green.

Bomberella: And his obscenely long pinky nails.

Firebug: this is one hell of a Quinceañera

Bomb_Voyage: I like the way they play video games with their schwartzes.

Bomberella: LOL

Bomb_Voyage: LO PAN! I see your schwartz is as big as mine!

Bomberella: Do you think Lo Pan keeps his nail long because of the drugs.

Bomberella: ?

Bomb_Voyage: Like a coke spoon?

Bomb_Voyage: Could be.

Bomberella: Yes.

Bomb_Voyage: Or he has an unusual fashion sense. Which is definitely true.

Bomb_Voyage: Rain just yelped like a kicked puppy.

Bomb_Voyage: I like how Gracie always announces herself.

Bomb_Voyage: “It’s me, Gracie.”

Firebug: I do like Gracie’s makeover

Bomb_Voyage: Is that a swan headdress?

Bomberella: Or because he loves Florence Griffith Joyner?

Firebug: She needs a cosmo

Bomb_Voyage: And a Magic Wand.

Firebug: ha

Bomb_Voyage: Sorry, that episode sticks out in my mind.

Firebug: sneak sneak sneak stab stab stab!

Bomberella: Jack Burton looks pretty good in lipstick. Terrible knife skills though.

Bomb_Voyage: That’s some wicked aim, Jack.

Bomberella: Okay, they’re not so bad.

Firebug: I like Kurt’s shade of cherrybrick red lipstick

Bomb_Voyage: It’s the alcohol talking.

Bomberella: I was really hoping all those statues were really chocolate. Like the bunnies at Easter.

Jon Bomb Jovi: i had figured that guy was immortal or something by this point in the movie

Bomb_Voyage: “It’s all in the reflexes.”

Firebug: that must a good knife

Bomberella: He was but he got married so he’s dead now.

Bomb_Voyage: “Here, take this polearm you have no idea how to use.”

Bomberella: I mean, mortal.

Firebug: with a full tang handle

Bomb_Voyage: Thunder hasn’t done a single thunderous thing in this entire movie.

Bomb_Voyage: Neither has Rain, for that matter.

Bomberella: Um, he exploded.

Bomb_Voyage: Thunder doesn’t blow up like a balloon. It makes booms.

Bomb_Voyage: Lightning is the only one that makes sense.

Firebug: now this really is big trouble

Bomberella: …in Little China.

Bomb_Voyage: And he’s mostly just really excited about being electrical.

Bomb_Voyage: Like that guy in the Running Man.

Bomberella: You would be too, if you could electrocute things with your hands.

Bomb_Voyage: Dynamo!

Bomb_Voyage:

Bomberella: Also, that’s some pretty amazing acting, since all that lightning was added in later.

Bomberella: I wanted to watch Running Man but I think it’s too good.

Bomberella: Also, I’m not sure it’s on Netflix anymore.

Firebug: I think that’s optimus prime’s cousin

Firebug: the King novella is interesting

Bomberella: The Pony Express?

Bomb_Voyage: Nobody talks about Optimus Prime’s cousin Kenworth.

Bomberella: Poor Kenworth.

Bomb_Voyage: The black sheep of the Autobots.

Bomberella: The lesser prime.

Bomberella: Like 2.

Bomberella: Always number 2.

Bomb_Voyage: Optimus Dos.

Firebug: she better takeoff that headwear before somebody loses an eye

Bomberella: “China’s in the Heart.” The failed sequel to “Groove is in the Heart.”

Firebug: he’s going to Sex Island!

Bomb_Voyage: Why is he carrying saddlebags?

Bomb_Voyage: Saddlebags have literally nothing to do with semis.

Bomberella: How else do you carry your money?

Bomberella: “Aren’t you going to kiss her goodbye?”
“Nope.”

Bomb_Voyage: That’s awesome.

Bomberella: So badass.

Bomb_Voyage: Very “I love you.” “I know.”

Firebug: he’s just asking for hat hair

Bomb_Voyage: No matter how cool anyone thinks Jack Burton is, nobody things Jack Burton is as cool as he thinks he is.

Bomberella: So true.

Bomberella: I love that the rancor comes back at the end.

Bomberella: For no reason.

Bomb_Voyage: What did Chinese Bigfoot have to do with anything, again?

Bomberella: NOTHING.

Firebug: I think it’s a tie in for critters

Bomberella: Less than Flying Eyeball Monster

Bomb_Voyage: Like did they just have some extra money in the costume budget?

Firebug: I think this credit music is pretty damn tight

Bomb_Voyage: Actually I think Chinese Bigfoot was more relevant than the Flying Eyeball Monster.

Bomb_Voyage: This credit music is awful.

Bomberella: John Carpenter’s nephew was trying to break into showbiz and JC promised his sister a part for her son.

Firebug: I think that it’s kurt singing?

Bomberella: Hence Chinese Bigfoot.

Bomberella: It kind of sounds like Kurt singing.

Bomberella: I kind of dig it.

Firebug: it’s better than a kick in the head

Firebug: all right fun times gang! thanks

Bomberella: Like he’s spoofing Elvis and other 80s soundtracks

Bomb_Voyage: I give it 4 stars.

Bomberella: Thanks for joining us, Firebug!

Firebug: (:

Bomberella: I give it 4 stars as well. It is so good-bad.

Bomberella: And I give the Green-Eyed Lady cocktail 4 stars as well.

Bomb_Voyage: So are we doing Masters of the Universe with Dolph Lundgren as He Man next week?

Bomb_Voyage: Please say yes.

Bomberella: YES!

Bomberella: Please join us. I have no idea what the cocktail pairing will be but I can’t wait.

Bomb_Voyage: Woo-hoo!

Bomb_Voyage: See you all next week!

The post Cinéma Atroce: Big Trouble in Little China appeared first on Bitter Empire.

Source: http://bitterempire.com/cinema-atroce-big-trouble-in-little-china/