Tonight’s the only Cinéma Atroce of August, and one of the last of our “Summer of Monsters” series, so we wanted a movie with some oompf. Enter Cockneys vs. Zombies, which IMDB user Thomas haasum called “below average,” writing it was “[n]ot able to compete with movies like Zombieland and Shaun of the dead [sic].” Okay, so this might actually be a good-good movie (instead of a good-bad one), judging from the trailer, but IMDB reviewer maxwellwyman wrote, “In my opinion, this was just a stereotypical zombie flick that attempted to add in some original ideas but was executed pretty poorly.” So it might also be bad-bad. Either way, we’ll find out!
It’s British, and Cockney at that, so we’re prepared to be totally lost and unable to understand the accent and humor (or, humour, as they
say spell it), but the premise seems pretty straightforward. There are some Cockneys fighting some zombies. Yep, that’s pretty much it. Oh, and plenty of shooting and gore. Plus the requisite awkward lurching. And that’s just from our hosts! Please join in the commentary!
Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cockney-tail, find a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Cockneys vs. Zombies on Netflix, and pull up the livechat starting at 9pm CDT.
Tonight’s Host Bloggers
Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-chat at a time.
Bomberella: Cheerio, old chaps!
Bomb_Voyage: Pip pip!
Bomberella: I’ve got a flute of Cockney Champagne and I’m feeling cheeky!
Bomb_Voyage: Well done old chap!
Bomberella: Why thank you, gov’na!
Bomberella: If everyone’s ready, let’s start the show!
Bomberella: Push Play NOW!
Bomb_Voyage: I didn’t watch the trailer so I’ve got no idea what to expect.
Bomberella: So we’re in the East End of London….it is a pit.
Bomberella: I mean, it’s the pits.
Bomb_Voyage: Oh it’s modern cockneys.
Bomberella: Oh yes, this isn’t your Jack the Ripper London.
Bomb_Voyage: But they did discover something sealed by King Charles II.
Bomberella: And that one guy called the other guy a muppet, but with a hard “t” and it was awesome.
Bomberella: Less than two minutes in we have a fart joke.
Bomb_Voyage: I think that gooey zombie is a leftover from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Bomb_Voyage: Are you scared of a few skellytons?
Bomb_Voyage: That’s got to be a record zero-to-zombie time.
Bomb_Voyage: Catchy tune.
Bomberella: Yeah, that was pretty fast.
Bomberella: Digging the intro, though.
Bomberella: That first scene reminded me of Stephen King’s “Skeleton Crew.”
Bomb_Voyage: As you know I am a big baby and don’t watch actually-scary movies.
Bomberella: Note to self: don’t work a job that will take me to creepy tunnels and catacombs.
Bomberella: I do know that about you, @Bomb_Voyage.
Bomberella: I also know you don’t like champagne.
Bomberella: But you’re just drinking Zomb-fashioneds or Old Cockneys.
Bomb_Voyage: So much for my International Man of Mystery mystique.
Bomberella: Old Cockneys sounds really dirty.
Bomb_Voyage: Old Cockneys it is, then.
Bomberella: So is the Cockney accent like a southern accent is in the U.S.?
Bomberella: Can we git a Brit to weigh in?
Bomberella: This guy’s hair is crazy, by the way.
Bomb_Voyage: Maybe more like the Bronx? Or Jersey?
Bomberella: Sure. That makes sense. Maybe Boston?
Bomberella: Like South Boston?
Bomberella: Don’t go in the tunnel!
Bomb_Voyage: Hey, it’s Brick Top.
Bomberella: “You’re supposed to take your pills, not sell ’em to these mugs!”
Bomberella: That old dude just literally kicked that guy’s ass.
Bomberella: That’s pretty flexible for a geezer.
Bomberella: Hey @Kevin612, thanks for joining us!
Bomb_Voyage: Alan Ford is a pretty badass old dude.
Bomberella: He is. He kind of reminded me of John Voight in the intro graphic, though.
Bomb_Voyage: “I’m going to shove that clipboard so far up your arse you’re going to have to shove your pen up your nose to write on it.”
Bomberella: That’s genius dialogue.
Bomberella: This woman is pronouncing everything very deliberately.
Bomberella: It’s like she knows we can’t understand everyone else.
Bomberella: I wonder how much she spit on Alan Ford when they were talking to one another.
Bomberella: For as quick as we got to the zombies, we have now taken a very slow and winding turn away from them.
Bomberella: Also, first use of the phrase “cheeky bugga.” Nice.
Bomb_Voyage: I was wondering if they are fast zombies or slow zombies, but apparently they are very slow zombies. Can’t even get out of that crypt with an open door.
Bomberella: I just snorted Cockney Champagne.
Bomberella: Lurching is a slow, deliberate motion.
Bomberella: So, the two dudes who deliver Meals on Wheels are orphans whose (questionable) parents went down in a blaze of firepower against the cops.
Bomb_Voyage: Seems plausible.
Bomberella: Also, somewhere on an East End construction site, three men died at the hand of zombies. At some point, these two stories will intersect.
Bomberella: Stay tuned…
Bomberella: Oooh! One of the brothers swiped uniforms from the construction site.
Bomb_Voyage: And the dudes are involved in a caper of some kind.
Bomberella: I’m starting to see the intersection…
Bomb_Voyage: With their sister and some dude.
Bomberella: …a dude who got caught robbing a convenience store.
Bomberella: “I pulled a geezer’s spine out and wore it as a belt.” Yikes. Dude’s a psycho.
Bomb_Voyage: Oh, cousin. Not sister.
Bomberella: That’s the second time someone called another someone a muppet.
Bomb_Voyage: This movie has massively ripped off Snatch.
Bomberella: That’s what some of the IMDB reviewers complained about.
Bomb_Voyage: Brick Top is so over this retirement home.
Bomberella: Is “muppet” a derogatory term in England?
Bomberella: ‘Cuz, I gotta be honest, if someone called me a muppet I’d probably just laugh.
Bomberella: It’s funny.
Bomberella: I mean, if someone called me “Miss Piggy” I might be hurt.
Bomberella: Or Gonzo.
Bomberella: It’s because my nose is big, isn’t it?
Bomb_Voyage: There you go. Shit’s getting real.
Bomberella: I knew it.
Bomberella: No one believes these guys are construction workers.
Bomberella: The bank teller’s name is Clive.
Bomberella: Mistaken identity! The woman thinks they’re actually from the construction site.And hilarity ensues.
Bomberella: Did crazy headbutt guy really have a mustache over his beard-and-mustache? That’s kind of awesome.
Bomb_Voyage: Yes he did.
Bomb_Voyage: Robbing a back, find more than you thought you’d find.
Bomb_Voyage: “I mean, we’re here. Might as well take it.”
Bomberella: So true.
Bomb_Voyage: Conveniently, they’re already well armed for the zombie apocalypse.
Bomberella: Considering we were at first zombie in less than three minutes, it’s been 22 minutes since then and we haven’t seen another one.
Bomb_Voyage: I think we saw some in the background.
Bomberella: I’d say the Cockneys are winning purely for showing up.
Bomberella: It’s so lucky they had those automatic weapons, though.
Bomberella: So I found this earlier.
Bomb_Voyage: See, here’s a zombie.
Bomberella: I feel like we’ve Lost the Plot.
Bomberella: Oh sure, the woman who asks “Are you alright?” dies first.
Bomb_Voyage: The very well-spoken lady knows how to electrocute someone with a broken lamp, though!
Bomb_Voyage: We should rewind and do a muppet drinking game.
Bomberella: Oh that would be fun!
Bomb_Voyage: Good time to rob a bank, really.
Bomb_Voyage: Wait, I think this is the first zombie movie I’ve ever seen where the characters have actually heard of zombies.
Bomberella: Well, it is set in modern times. I think it’s weird that other ones have not.
Kevin612: I wish the older folks the best of luck.
Bomberella: That is so nice of you.
Bomberella: I wish the younger ones the best of luck.
Kevin612: Nah, they’ve got guns. They’ll be fine.
Bomberella: But the old ones move like zombies so they can blend in.
Bomberella: Plus, no one wants old brains.
Kevin612: And the crazy guy with the metal head is pretty bad ass.
Bomb_Voyage: Aged brains.
Bomberella: Sorry, aged brains.
Bomb_Voyage: It’s like fine whisky.
Bomb_Voyage: Zombies get together for high-end brain tastings.
Bomberella: Extra-gray gray matter.
Bomb_Voyage: The 1943 crop is highly sought-after.
Bomberella: I think it’s more like veal.
Bomberella: The younger and more unused the better.
Bomberella: So idiots and small children.
Bomberella: “Is that as fast as they go?”
Bomberella: Third reference to someone as a muppet!
Bomb_Voyage: There was a great episode of Wits where John Moe went on and on about how amusing zombies would be in Minnesota. They’d just freeze into zombie popsicles while we sat inside and sipped hot cocoa.
Bomberella: Oh, metal head bites it.
Bomberella: I mean, gets bit.
Bomb_Voyage: Wait, she knows you have to shoot zombies in the head but she doesn’t know that if you get bit you turn into a zombie?
Bomberella: I’d go for water. You never see zombies in water.
Bomb_Voyage: There’s always gotta be a baby zombie.
Bomberella: Yeah, it does seem weird that she wouldn’t know about zombies and biting.
Bomb_Voyage: Baby zombie football, I mean.
Bomberella: But would you want to be the one to suggest killing metal head?
Bomberella: I wouldn’t.
Bomb_Voyage: I wouldn’t have given him his gun back.
Bomberella: But again, he doesn’t seem like the type to be cool with that.
Bomberella: Katie knows that he’s going to turn in to a zombie.
Bomb_Voyage: Nope. Metal head is totally going to eat that face that was latched onto his arm.
Bomberella: He’s hungry. Can you blame him? Bank robbing takes a lot out of you.
Bomberella: Btw, Cockney Champagne is delicious.
Bomb_Voyage: Sounds delicious if you’re into the whole champagne thing.
Bomberella: Metal head has one move. The headbutt. WHY DOES NO ONE SEEM TO SEE IT COMING?
Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage is it the bubbles you don’t like?
Bomb_Voyage: Realistically nobody expects a headbutt.
Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella It’s the headaches I don’t like.
Bomb_Voyage: They start before I’m done drinking a glass.
Bomberella: I always expect a headbutt.
Bomberella: And I can understand that.
Bomberella: I’m not a headache fan either.
Bomberella: Or a headbutt fan.
Bomb_Voyage: BTW so far this is a solid good-bad movie.
Bomberella: I’d agree.
Bomberella: Really articulate lady has a crush on Brick Top.
Bomb_Voyage: Aw, sweet.
Bomberella: I hope that’s the romance in this movie.
Bomberella: I love it when old people get together. Gives me hope.
Bomberella: “It sounds like a lot of zombies growling at the door, I have to go check it out.”
Bomb_Voyage: Seems reasonable.
Bomberella: Prediction: metal head turns at 51:37
Kevin612: I’ll be that old guy sleeping through the zombie apocalypse. That’s my plan, actually.
Bomberella: That sounds like a great plan.
Bomberella: Just wake up and everyone else is either zombified or dead.
Bomberella: Metal head just ripped someone’s head off with his bare hands
Bomberella: That’s what I was talking about earlier: old people blend in.
Bomb_Voyage: Well with a walker he’s nearly as quick as the zombies.
Bomberella: This is excruciating.
Bomb_Voyage: It’s hilarious.
Bomberella: How hard do you think it was for the actors to not catch him?
Bomb_Voyage: This is the best part of the whole movie so far.
Bomberella: “My arm really hurts where I got bit…oh hey guys.”
Bomb_Voyage: “I’m fine. I just want some … BRAINS.”
Bomberella: Cut back to walker guy.
Bomberella: I love the extreme closeups with Hammich and the zombies.
Bomberella: Of course extremely articulate lady is good with a hatchet.
Bomberella: She’s my hero.
Bomberella: I want to be her when I get old.
Bomb_Voyage: The old people are fucking badass.
Bomberella: Way better than the whiny wimpy young people.
Bomberella: And with less guns.
Bomb_Voyage: These are totally the “we’re old and don’t give a shit anymore” kind of old people.
Bomb_Voyage: That fence doesn’t look like it’s going to last long.
Bomberella: Message removed by author
Bomberella: I don’t think I would have waited a moment as soon as the garage door opened.
Bomb_Voyage: Zombie metal head is going to be bad news.
Bomberella: He’s about to turn…
Bomberella: Off by a minute. Shoot!
Bomberella: Did metal head just grab Clive’s crotch?
Bomberella: That was awkward.
Bomb_Voyage: Maybe don’t shoot him in the metal plate.
Bomb_Voyage: Grenade does the trick. Every time.
Bomberella: Thank god for the grenade from earlier FORESHADOWING
Bomberella: Clive is the Colin Firth fan fiction.
Bomberella: “Please get them off me! I have a heart condition!”
Bomberella: Weirdest death.
Bomb_Voyage: Also totally not sorry to see him go zombie.
Bomberella: Yeah, metal head as a zombie is fitting.
Bomb_Voyage: Hey I think we just passed the Bechdel Test.
Bomb_Voyage: “This way.” from one woman to another.
Bomberella: Did we?
Bomberella: That’s a lame passing. Also, we’re an hour in.
Bomberella: And then there were four.
Bomberella: I love how the zombies are re-enacting the lovemaking scene from Titanic.
Bomberella: hand on glass, hand on glass
Bomb_Voyage: The women are totally the badasses in this, though. Brick Top and Metal Head are the only badasses with any actual cojones.
Bomberella: Another “muppet.”
Bomberella: And that’s true.
Bomberella: But it would be nice if they interacted.
Bomberella: I’m totally going to start calling people “muppet” from now on.
Bomberella: I think we just experienced “Cockney Rhyming” from Hammich.
Bomberella: I’m not sure what that is, but it sounds cool.
Bomberella: “They might find a cure.” Really? They’re definitely not going to.
Bomb_Voyage: In case you’re wondering what would really happen in the event of a zombie apocalypse: http://arxiv.org/pdf/1503.0…
Bomb_Voyage: Listicle showing why you shouldn’t worry too much: http://www.cracked.com/arti…
Bomberella: I do appreciate that the rival soccer fans are still rivals as zombies.
Bomb_Voyage: Okay, everyone knows if you’re dealing with zombies you want a shotgun.
Bomb_Voyage: Leave the assault rifles behind.
Bomberella: I feel like these movies always make me appreciate gun nuts.
Bomberella: Normally, I’m like “Less guns, why can’t we all get along?”
Bomberella: Zombie movies, I’m like “Kill them all!”
Bomb_Voyage: Everyone should own a shotgun just in case of zombie apocalypse.
Bomberella: Why did they let the blonde hostage run away with a bullet belt?
Bomb_Voyage: No idea.
Bomberella: What I always wondered is what happens when you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of an action sequence?
Bomberella: I never have to go, but that would be my luck.
Bomberella: And my nightmare.
Bomb_Voyage: You just don’t.
Bomb_Voyage: I feel like we should be paying closer attention to the zombies and also have a comprehensive knowledge of British pop culture.
Bomb_Voyage: Because I’m pretty sure they’re all caricatures.
Bomberella: What I learned: just give old people automatic weapons against zombies and everyone will be fine.
Bomb_Voyage: We’re not writing because this is just the best scene.
Bomb_Voyage: Where are they going, exactly?
Bomb_Voyage: Nowhere, apparently.
Bomberella: Away from the East End.
Bomb_Voyage: Broken bus.
Bomberella: The docks.
Bomberella: Because water. I’m telling you, that’s where to go in case of zombies.
Bomberella: They don’t go in water.
Bomb_Voyage: Good point.
Bomberella: I’ve been saying it for years.
Bomb_Voyage: NO, NOT GRANDAD!
Bomberella: How much fake blood do you think they went through in this movie?
Bomberella: I mean, red corn syrup?
Bomb_Voyage: Nice try, kids, but Grandad does not need your help.
Bomberella: No one needs to save Granddad. Granddad has the Grandaddy of all guns.
Bomb_Voyage: I don’t understand why they aren’t going for the boat.
Bomberella: Of course they would kill the guy who is buying the old folks home.
Bomb_Voyage: Might as well be thorough, I guess.
Bomberella: One more zombie stowaway on the boat…
Bomb_Voyage: Gotta be.
Kevin612: I just wanna listen to Chumbawumba now.
Bomb_Voyage: I could do without this speech at the end, though.
Bomberella: I was wrong. Granddad just turned the gun on us.
Bomberella: But yes, totally want to listen to Chumbawumba.
Bomb_Voyage: I give it 4 stars. Totally enjoyed it.
Bomberella: I give it a solid 2. It dragged quite a bit for me. And was very derivative. But sort of passed the Bechdel test.
Bomb_Voyage: What! 2? That was solid good-bad in my book.
Bomberella: @Kevin612: what’s your vote?
Bomberella: Fine. I’ll go 2.5.
Bomberella: The funniest bits were in the trailer.
Bomberella: My favorite part was the Cockney Champagne.
Bomberella: And the intro/end credits.
Bomb_Voyage: So we’re taking the rest of August off, aren’t we?
Bomberella: We are. Vacation. But we’ll have one last “Summer of Monsters” movie before Labor Day, so stay tuned! If you have suggestions, leave them in the comments below or on our Facebook page.