Summer has officially begun, and here at Cinéma Atroce we’re calling it the Summer of Monsters. We have some exciting things planned for Shark Week Month (July), so keep checking back for more on that. And if you have a favorite good-bad monster movie that’s currently on Netflix streaming, let us know and we’ll add it to the queue.

Godzilla could be considered the original movie monster, so Croczilla seemed like a fitting choice for us as the first official summer movie. Its alternate title is Million Dollar Crocodile and from what we can tell, it’s definitely bad. According to IMDB: “A 36 foot crocodile goes on the rampage in Beijing after being moved from a peaceful Crocodile Farm and onto the menu of a local gangster.” It’s hard to imagine a crocodile farm as “peaceful,” but we’ll go with it. There will definitely be bad dubbing, and the croc allegedly swallows a woman’s purse a la Romancing the Stone. Are we supposed to root for the crocodile? Will it pass the Bechdel test? What do Crocodile Tears taste like? These and other questions will be answered tonight. And we’ve changed it up so it’s a chat, so please join in the commentary!

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a croc-tail, find a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Croczilla on Netflix, and pull up the livechat starting at 9pm CDT.

Jump right down to the livechat.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.

Tonight’s Croc-tail

Crocodile Tears

1 oz. gin
1 oz. sweet vermouth
a dash of orange juice
a dash of strawberry juice
a dash of maraschino
Pour vodka, vermouth, and the two fruit juices in a shaker with ice. Add the dash of marachino. Shake and strain into a highball glass.

Tonight’s Livechat

Bomberella: Turns out, Crocodile Tears not as salty as I’d expect.

Bomberella: Or at all.

Bomberella: It’s like a fake mai tai.

Bomb Voyage: Okay, I’m here. Movie is ready to go on my end!

Bomberella: Okay, everyone: Push Play…now!

benji_kowalsky: I’m here as well. Unfortunately for this movie.

Bomberella: Ouch.

Bomberella: Thanks, Benji.

Bomberella: Ben just clarified that it is the misfortune of the movie. Not him.

benji_kowalsky: I mean that as a threat to the movie.

Bomberella: Oh hey, we’re in the jungle.

Bomberella: I do like this artsy opening.

benji_kowalsky: im threatening a motion picture.

Bomberella: Is that like threatening a moving target?

benji_kowalsky: did banksy do this?

Bomberella: Incidentally, a Target is moving in down the street.

Bomberella: And no, Banksy didn’t do this. 632 did.

Bomberella: I already love the dubbing on this.

Bomb Voyage: Is 632 like Area 51?

Bomberella: Yes. It’s also like 311.

Bomb Voyage: “The croc is mine.”

Bomberella: I was really hoping that last guy would break into a remix of “The Boy is Mine” as “The Croc is Mine.”

benji_kowalsky: what the hell bullying was that?

Bomberella: Effective bullying.

Bomb Voyage: I mean, it doesn’t seem like bad movie, yet.

Bomberella: We’re, like, two minutes in.

Bomberella: Also, I already know it fails the Bechdel test. So…

Bomberella: “The crocodile ate my homework.”

Bomberella: That’s a new one.

benji_kowalsky: You should have just let the bullies have it,kid.

Bomb Voyage: Yeah, but the bad movies we watch are usually bad from the get-go.

Bomberella: Say “See ya alligator” to your report.

Bomb Voyage: Dude, kid. Why would you go into the crocodile pit?

Bomb Voyage: Oh yeah, go check out the crocodile cave.

Bomberella: He clearly hasn’t watched The Crocodile Hunter.

Bomb Voyage: Clearly he doesn’t have any common sense whatsoever.

Bomberella: “I don’t feed them, so they’re starving.”

Bomberella: Superman’s here!

benji_kowalsky: a stick! Crocodiles are useless before it!

Bomberella: I totally trust the crocodile wrangler with the scarred arm.

Bomb Voyage: I love the forelock on the guy with the Superman shirt.

Bomberella: What is the kid calling that one? Amao? A mouse?

benji_kowalsky: ill just poke much head in heer

benji_kowalsky: the stick is useless!

Bomberella: This plan is foolproof.

benji_kowalsky: we curse our false idol, the stick, and submit to our new reptilian overlord!

benji_kowalsky: the end.

Bomberella: I can’t believe we haven’t commented on the bandanna tied over the polo shirt.

benji_kowalsky: … I hope?

Siri: bandanna tied over the polo shirt –is everything.

Bomb Voyage: Do we think they all get eaten?

Bomberella: Siri! I knew you’d chime in on the fashion.

Bomb Voyage: Blowgun tranquilizers? Awesome.

benji_kowalsky: i don’t think he’s going to do anything fun kiddo

Bomberella: “I know you just got tranquilized and captured, but let’s do something fun.”

benji_kowalsky: except if you think being in a cage is fun

Bomberella: Cage fighting is fun.

benji_kowalsky: which, you know, could be his thing

Bomb Voyage: According to IMDB, Amao is 36 feet long. Which really doesn’t seem all that massive to me.

Bomberella: Dudes! The main crocodile is female. The kid said they would cook and eat “her.” This changes everything.

Siri: These people will die.

benji_kowalsky: We are on the second floor of an apartment which is probably about 36 feet up. If a croc poked it’s head in, I’d be pretty durn impressed.

Bomb Voyage: So if Croczilla growls at a woman with a name, it passes the Bechdel test after all?

Bomberella: I say no, @Bomb Voyage.

Bomb Voyage: That’s a seriously popped collar.

Bomberella: Also, 36 feet is a few feet shorter than a bus. Which is just shorter than a gray whale. So this croc is the size of a small gray whale.

Bomb Voyage: The big dude’s dubbing is just ridiculous.

Bomb Voyage: Ick that mole.

Bomberella: Ick the hair on that mole

Bomberella: And this movie is sponsored by Coca Cola

Bomberella: Or, Croca-Cola.

benji_kowalsky: he doesn’t know how to tell her they are actually his.

Bomberella: The old classic “panties in the glove compartment.”

benji_kowalsky: but how did they get in there?

Bomb Voyage: Seriously.

Bomberella: Ask your mom.

Bomb Voyage: How do you forget your panties in the glovebox?

Bomberella: I don’t.

benji_kowalsky: i could totally see it as like a lazy maneuver where he just thinks he’s going to take care of it later but then forgets about it.

Bomberella: Old-school Duck Hunt–yes!

Bomb Voyage: Apparently there was a 23-foot crocodile for real: http://ourplnt.com/worlds-5…

benji_kowalsky: ill put a nice can of water in there. That will hide them.

Bomberella: So this is over 50% longer than that croc.

Bomberella: Are we still trying to figure out the panty issue? Am I really still using the word “panty”?

Bomberella: “Dinner just escaped!”

benji_kowalsky: now cover his eyes.

Bomberella: This crying scene is amazing. I have to copy that for later.

benji_kowalsky: its just to say he did something.

benji_kowalsky: i was there for you man. I covered your eyes, remember?

Bomberella: Woman stranded with handbag is interesting. Let’s cut back to her.

Bomb Voyage: That scene was like when Molaram got eaten by crocs at the end of Temple of Doom.

Bomb Voyage: Just a bunch of crocs rolling around.

Bomb Voyage: With some cloth for effect.

Bomberella: Or that guy’s hand gets bitten off in Romancing the Stone and then he’s eaten.

Bomberella: Or in Bird on a Wire when they have the croc scene and the bridge.

Bomberella: Lots of crocs.

Bomberella: Weirdly, no one is wearing Crocs in this. Sponsor fail.

benji_kowalsky: awwww what’s up giiiirl

Bomb Voyage: I have never tried making my kids count beans instead of getting a babysitter, but that might be brilliant.

Bomberella: I like how she’s calling the croc. “Crocodile! Crocodile!” Like it will answer.

Bomberella: Like, “Here, kitty kitty.”

Bomberella: “Here, crocky crocky.”

Bomberella: Those shoes are not conducive to running on gravel.

Bomberella: Yes, lady, the police will definitely be able to help you find your handbag-eating crocodile.

Bomberella: I do love the dubbed laughter. Because I’m sure that sounds different in another language.

benji_kowalsky: I thought she asked for a play station. Which, you know, understAndable. Sometimes I like to unwind from a stressful day with some COD

Bomb Voyage: This woman is extremely hysterical.

Bomberella: It’s not a million dollars, US, though. 100,000 euros equals 111724.50 US Dollar.

Bomberella: Hysterical is a loaded term.

Bomb Voyage: This is why cops shoot people.

Bomberella: And I think anyone who lost a million dollars would be understandably upset.

benji_kowalsky: He’s actually not a cop. He’s just a dude who hangs out.

Bomberella: Whoa, apparently they don’t have issues with full male nudity of children.

benji_kowalsky: Mm juice

Bomberella: Yeah, he’s definitely not a cop.

benji_kowalsky: do you just not ask for a badge at this point? Is that bad form?

Bomberella: As opposed to that big and this long.

Bomberella: I think asking for a badge is asking for a bruising.

Bomb Voyage: If we gave our cops scooters instead of big Chevys that would be awesome.

Bomberella: I’ve seen them on segways; not awesome. And the bike cops got picked on relentlessly.

Bomb Voyage: Maybe that’s why they shoot everyone. They’re self-conscious.

benji_kowalsky: Is she chopping veggies with a meat cleaver?

benji_kowalsky: that is just the wrong tool for the wrong job.

Bomberella: Is that not how you chop them?

Bomberella: “Hey, you can’t do that.” If only it were that easy.

benji_kowalsky: she chopped the stick,!!!

Bomberella: I’m missing what the problem is that she needs to be chopping with the meat cleaver.

benji_kowalsky: our last bastion of hope against Croczilla!

Bomb Voyage: WHY DOES SHE HATE THAT POLE?

Bomb Voyage:

Bomberella: Wait, do we count the brief conversation with the field worker and bag lady? Did the field worker say anything? Does she have a name?

Bomberella: “Get out of here, wacko! Leave us to be eaten in peace!”

Bomb Voyage: That kid’s voice sounds like an old man trying to sound like a 9 year old.

Bomberella: And the big guy sounds like a 9-year-old trying to sound like a man.

Siri: Their going to fall in love.

Bomberella: Oh I hope they fall in love. That would be amazing.

Bomberella: “How did you two meet?”

benji_kowalsky: Yup. There you go. Stand up guy.

Bomb Voyage: Life lesson: never carry a lot of cash.

Bomberella: “Well, my boyfriend had a pair of panties (not mine) in his glove box. So I started walking and this giant crocodile ate my handbag, so I approached this fake cop and he came with me to this field, and after everything, we fell in love.”

Bomberella: “Don’t let her off the bus!” It’s like the beginning of Speed!

benji_kowalsky: “Well, OK, then.”

Siri: oooo name that cover

Bomberella: I’m blanking.

Bomb Voyage: She is really fucking annoying.

Bomberella: Why? Because she wants her money back? Or because she’s narrating what’s happening?

Bomb Voyage: Because she won’t calm down.

Siri: Ha!

benji_kowalsky: The lesson: stay home and count your beans, kids.

benji_kowalsky: count your beans.

Bomberella: Count your beans to keep your beans?

Bomb Voyage: Also don’t run around naked.

benji_kowalsky: or a crocodile will eat your friends and a crazy man will see your clothes and a girl will see your privates.

benji_kowalsky: and you will have the worst day in the world.

Bomberella: Steal! The crazy man stole his clothes.

Bomb Voyage: Amao and the terrible horrible no good very bad day.

Bomberella: He didn’t seem upset that the crocodile ate one of his friends.

Bomb Voyage: Lara Croft: Crocodile Hunter

Bomberella: “You don’t believe me? But I’ve been carrying this purse strap nonstop since it happened as proof!”

Bomberella: Joan Wilder: Euro Chaser

Bomb Voyage: Croczilla: the Touching Story of a Boy and an Enormous Killer Crocodile

Bomberella: “The number you have called is inside a crocodile.”

Bomb Voyage: LOL

Bomberella: Who’s going to pick up? The kid she swallowed?

Siri: She’s annoyed the croc didn’t pick up.

Bomberella: “Hello? I’m inside a crocodile and a crazy man stole my clothes.”

benji_kowalsky: You really need todos voicewiththat.

Bomberella: The crocodile didn’t pick up because she was on the other line with her mom. #stereotype

Siri: Ha!

benji_kowalsky: “hello, clarisse? I’m inside a crocodile

benji_kowalsky: , Clarisse.”

Bomberella: “Mom, I’m having a bad day, okay? I was almost bludgeoned by a serial killer, then some woman whacked me with her purse and I had to walk NINE miles to the dam. And then, and then! There was this phone inside me. So annoying.

benji_kowalsky: They can open doors!

Bomberella: It’s like the scene from The Dark Knight when the guy has a phone in him and it blows up.

Siri: Ugh, I just want to drop these eggs off at the pool

Bomberella: Seriously.

Bomberella: OMG now purse lady is on the phone with her mom and the cop can’t get through!

benji_kowalsky: Raar but I’m soooooo hungry tho

Bomberella: I totally didn’t expect that.

benji_kowalsky: this guy is the worst cop in the world.

Bomberella: “My Dad’s Back” the creepy follow up to “My Boyfriend’s Back.”

Siri: Aw, I thought the call would be from the crocodile

Bomb Voyage: “Bring it on, crocodile” says the waify lady who has been losing her shit non-stop since she pulled the panties out of her boyfriend’s glovebox.

Bomberella: “Chill out, I just came to give you your purse back.”

Bomberella: Be careful what you wish for is the fourth lesson

Bomb Voyage: “It’s quiet … too quiet … especially considering there is a 36-foot crocodile on the other side of this wall.

Bomberella: “Hey little kid with no upper body strength, pull me up on this roof, will ya?”

benji_kowalsky: kid got some touch there.

benji_kowalsky: cheeky fellow.

Bomb Voyage: I’m watching him rev that scooter and I’m totally at a loss for what he plans to do with it.

Bomberella: Nice pun, Buns. I mean, Ben.

Bomberella: Now do you believe me about this crocodile?

benji_kowalsky: croc apparently only eats women and children.

Bomb Voyage: If there’s one thing I’ve learned from monster movies it’s that calling the military is always a great idea.

Bomb Voyage: They totally have the best judgment where monsters are concerned.

Bomb Voyage: Also they never make matters worse.

Bomberella: Maybe it’s like veal? Women and children have tenderer meat?

Bomberella: And yes, the military is often bumbling when it comes to monsters.

benji_kowalsky: croc diet: lamb, women, children.

Bomberella: That’s why they’ll tell you they’re rarely maneaters. Womaneaters, that’s a different story.

benji_kowalsky: chains as in chain fences or like chain flails?

Bomberella: Chains like Alice in Chains.

benji_kowalsky: we will just tell the, AliceIn Chains is in town.

Bomberella: Wait. What happens if Alice in Chains sings “Unchained Melody”?

Bomberella: Do they just become Alice?
Or Alice Cooper?

Bomberella: Should I Go Ask Alice?

benji_kowalsky: brilliant plan. Throw in some STP and I may even want to go.

Bomberella: If we have it in St. Paul it’ll be STP in STP.

Bomberella: I’m going to call the cop “Scarface” from now on.

Bomberella: “Remember, stay back when shooting a crocodile. It’s not like a game. It bites back.” Ha ha ha.

Bomb Voyage: I’ve always wanted one of those tiny vans.

Bomberella: And that’s why cops are always shooting people.

Bomberella: I used to drive one of those tiny vans. A Cushman. For work.

benji_kowalsky: Awww yeah…

Bomberella: Lesson: put your money in a bank. Problem solved. Oh wait…

benji_kowalsky: just be cool scarface. Be cool.

Bomberella: “Guns are dangerous.” This dialogue is Spot. On.

Bomberella: Now Superman has a chef hat? Okay.

benji_kowalsky: its carveresquem it

Bomberella: Row Row Row your boat, gently to extremes.

benji_kowalsky: its carveresque in its simplicity.

Bomberella: His name is “One-way Wong”?

Bomb Voyage: Wrong-Way Wong, I think.

Bomberella: That makes more sense..

Bomberella: “I’ll just sleep here.” Okay, sure. Make yourself at home. I’ll deduct it from the Euros we find when we kill this croc.

benji_kowalsky: its Wong-Wei Wong guys. Common name

Bomberella: That’s so Wong.

benji_kowalsky: if that’s Wong, i don’t want to be right.

Bomberella: So bad.

Bomberella: So so bad.

Bomberella: And I think you mean Wright.

benji_kowalsky: oooooooooohhhh

Bomberella: Superman shirt and chef hat makes it easier to describe him.

Bomberella: If only all criminals were that considerate.

Bomberella: “Yes, I was attacked by a man in a panda bear sweatshirt with a fedora on his head.”

Bomb Voyage: They really beat you over the head with the foreshadowing in this movie.

Bomb Voyage: THERE IS A DROP OF BLOOD ON THIS LEAF!!!

Bomb Voyage: DUN DUN DUN!!! …

benji_kowalsky: you do realize the money has probably been excreted by now, right?

Bomberella: That doesn’t matter. It’s about revenge now.

Bomberella: YOU ATE MY PURSE!

Stacia: I’m late so I missed the movie but just reading the live chat is entertaining!

Bomberella: I’m glad, Stacia. Thanks for joining us!

Bomb Voyage: Whenever my kids ask for things now I’m going to say “money doesn’t get pooped out of crocodiles you know!”

benji_kowalsky: apparently it doesn’t.

Bomberella: “Money at a higher exchange rate than the US Dollar doesn’t get pooped out of crocodiles, you know!”

benji_kowalsky: it just sits in a crocs belly until an angry woman goes and gets it!

Stacia: I’m learning some really good lessons…. invest your money… hang on to your purse… guns are dangerous… crocs don’t poop money…

Bomberella: Don’t hide panties from your affair in your glovebox…child nudity is allowed in certain countries…crocodiles eat women and children, not men…

Bomb Voyage: Men with big knives only.

Bomberella: I’d just like to point out that no one–NO ONE–has mentioned the friend Amao swallowed. Doesn’t that seem odd?

benji_kowalsky: You forgot the most important lesson.

benji_kowalsky: count. Your. Beans.

Bomberella: That and Superman wears a chef’s hat…

Bomberella: Scarface v. Other Scarface aka The Big’un.

Bomberella: I’m actually digging this croc-tail. Crocodile Tears are delicious!

benji_kowalsky: That’s a very optimistic plan with that net.

Bomb Voyage: In case you’re wondering about that horrifying mole: http://ask-a-chinese-guy.bl…

Bomberella: Yes, that small cotton fishing net will definitely hold a 36-foot crocodile.

Bomberella: Apparently, they do respond when you call their names.

Bomberella: Why didn’t anyone do that earlier? Oh wait, purse lady did.

Bomberella: Why is the vision from the POV of the monster always distorted and fish-eyed?

Bomberella: “I just have to poop.”

Bomberella: Way more dudes than women/kids in this movie, and yet it doesn’t eat any of them.

Bomberella: First actual kill we’ve seen by Croczilla.

Bomb Voyage: No, it killed that guy’s brother.

Bomberella: And as Ben pointed out, “Oh no, it ate a man! Quick, shoot it!”

Bomberella: No, it pushed that guy’s brother into a pit of crocodiles. They ate him.

benji_kowalsky: its a man eater!

Stacia: Is the croc male or female?

Bomberella: And it ate that kid (off screen) but no one has mentioned it.

Bomb Voyage: Wow, the cops are worse shots than Cobra B.A.T.s.

Bomberella: I think the croc is female. We keep referring to it as it.

Bomb Voyage: @Stacia: They keep saying it’s going to lay eggs.

Bomb Voyage: I don’t know how though because he can’t even move a small purse.

Bomberella: And one time the kid referred to the croc as “her.”

Bomberella: Man, she really likes that field.

benji_kowalsky: we know how others identify amao

Bomberella: Field worker and insurance guy should be showing up again any minute now.

benji_kowalsky: But how does amao choose to identify?

Bomberella: “Seriously, guys. Just looking for a bathroom.”

Bomberella: “I’ve got a million dollar load to drop.”

Bomberella: Confirmation: She’s a she.

benji_kowalsky: she ate a bunch of children

Bomb Voyage: I’m still unclear on the kid-eating.

Bomb Voyage: Enhance!

Bomberella: The kid clearly pulled a “woman in the beginning of Jaws” disappearance.

Bomberella: “That’s a big piece of wood shaped like a crocodile.”

Bomberella: So the crocodile only eats bad people and clearly listens to directions. Why hasn’t anyone asked her to cough up the money?

Bomb Voyage: Right?

Bomberella: “Hey, Scarface, it’s dangerous. I don’t care about the money. I just want your face.”

Bomb Voyage: I medium sure that little pistol won’t do any damage to that croc.

Bomberella: “Pa don’t kill Amao.” “And please take care.” Gah! So many instructions.

Bomberella: Now, the real twist will be if Cap’n Hook shows up in her belly. Or a giant clock.

Bomberella: “Amao: Show me the money!”

Bomb Voyage: How have they not done the tick-tock croc bit yet?

Bomberella: No idea. That’s where I would have gone right away.

Bomberella: “Don’t worry, she won’t hurt me. She’s not totally a wild animal trying to lay eggs and poop, acting on instinct alone.”

Bomberella: It’s cool guys, he has the stick.

Bomberella: And cop has the tiny pistol.

Bomberella: Oh, good, the kid showed up just in time to be a distraction.

Bomb Voyage: Croczilla: two men with nothing but a stick and a tiny pistol face down a cranky, constipated crocodile the size of a school bus.

Bomberella: LOL

Bomberella: Now that’s a movie I’d like to see.

Bomberella: “All I want to do is lay my eggs and take a tremendous dump and you guys won’t let me.”

Bomb Voyage: That’s pretty much what you’re watching at this moment.

Bomb Voyage: Why are the hysterical lady and the kid even there?

Bomberella: Message removed by author

Bomberella: Oh good, the angry villager with the machete equivalent is here.

Bomberella: “I eat bullets for breakfast.” -Amao

Bomb Voyage: Amao is basically Old Yeller.

Bomberella: Sad.

Bomberella: Why’d you have to go there?

Bomb Voyage: CGI tear.

Bomberella: Yes, let’s eat at the table where the poo money was just sitting.

Bomb Voyage: It’s not very poo-y, though.

Bomberella: Yeah. I suppose.

Bomb Voyage: And somehow it got torn up in tiny pieces that in no way look like what would happen if a crocodile swallowed money.

Bomberella: What happened to the eggs…ooooohhhh!

Bomberella: Especially if the crocodile swallowed the purse whole.

Bomb Voyage: Croczilla 2: Army of Croczillas

Bomb Voyage: Okay, it wasn’t really bad. It was just pretty meh.

Bomberella: Croczilla 2: Hatchlings’ Revenge

Bomberella: Yeah. I feel like Amao was just misunderstood.

Bomb Voyage: I’m giving it 2 stars.

Bomberella: I give it 2 stars, and this live-chat 4.

Bomberella: Ben gives it 2 stars. @Siri?

Bomberella: @Stacia?

Bomb Voyage: Agreed. We’re so much more amusing than this movie.

Bomb Voyage: Thanks for chiming in @Siri and @Stacia!

Bomb Voyage: @Bomberella: So are we doing Killer Mermaid next week?

Bomberella: We are! Tune in next week for Killer Mermaid and one killer cocktail.

Bomberella: Mwahahahahahaha!

Siri: nice!

Bomb Voyage: It looks pretty terrible, so I’m looking forward to it!

Bomberella: Thanks for joining in, @Siri and @Stacia!

Siri: xx

Bomberella: We hope to see you next week. Same time, same place. Kind of.

Bomberella: xoxox

Stacia: I didn’t watch the movie, but the chat was worth 100 killer crocs (similar to 10 stars). xoxo

The post Cinéma Atroce: Croczilla appeared first on Bitter Empire.

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