This isn’t your ’90s Disney movie, nor is a movie based on the Kevin Sorbo TV series. And we’re really sad to say it isn’t Hercules in New York, although we have plans for that movie. Or, at least for Ah-nold. This is the 2014 release starring everyone’s favorite professional actor wrestler turned actor: Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock. Also starring John Hurt and Joseph Fiennes, it tells of half-man, half-god, full-legend John Legend Hercules, after his epic Twelve Labors, when a beautiful woman entreats him to train soldiers to defend themselves against an evil ruler, and a lot of teeth-covered club- and sword-fighting ensues. You know, that classic story.

Rolling Stone said “They had a shot at something here, and they blew it.” And Washington Post reviewer John DeFore said this of the director: “Frat-boyish filmmaker Brett Ratner has the distinction of having made the worst “X-Men” film (“X-Men: The Last Stand”), the dumbest Hannibal Lecter tale (“Red Dragon”), and the most boring “Rush Hour” sequel.” But we’re sure it’s the best-worst Hercules! Please join in the commentary!

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Hercules on Netflix, and pull up the livechat starting at 9pm CDT.

Jump right down to the livechat.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Host Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-chat at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail

Surprisingly, it isn’t just straight Everclear. (And we’re grateful for that.) The SoCo feels a bit soft for us, but maybe that’s the half-man part.
Hercules
  • 3/4 oz whiskey
  • 1 oz Southern Comfort
  • 5 oz cola
  • splash of lime juice

Combine over ice in a highball glass.

Tonight’s Livechat

Bomberella: Hey guys and gals!

Bomb_Voyage: Okay, n00bs, here’s how this works. Shortly after 9pm Central, @Bomberella will give the ol’ ready-set-go. When she says “go” or “push play” or something similar, start the video!

Bomberella: I’m not going to lie, this movie makes me think of this scene from The Klumps.
https://www.youtube.com/wat…

Bomb_Voyage: Also, you get bonus points for inventing a bomb-related chat handle.

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella Oh man, I’m so glad you posted that. It’s going to be in my head all night.

Bomberella: You’re welcome.

Bomberella: My friend Gabriel is here. He’s whipping cream.

Bomberella: Also, he’s not a lawyer.

Bomb_Voyage: Niec.

Bomb_Voyage: Er, nice.

Bomb_Voyage: I was planning to watch the Disney movie (Hercules, that is) and comment on it and see how long it took you all to figure out I was watching a totally different film.

Bomb_Voyage: But I changed my mind. I’m totally excited about this one.

Bomberella: I almost wish we were watching that one. I haven’t seen it since it came out and I wondered if it was as weird as I remember from childhood.

Bomb_Voyage: Also, wine is a totally acceptable drink for this movie.

Bomb_Voyage: Ready, @Bomberella?

Bomb_Voyage: You’re the go-sayer.

Bomberella: I’m queueing it up.

Bomberella: Is everyone else ready?

Bomberella: (And no, wine is not an acceptable drink.)

Bomb_Voyage: Yes it is! Greeks = wine.

Bomb_Voyage: Homer talked about it non-stop.

Bomberella: Okay, fine.

Bomberella: Okay everyone,

Bomberella: Push play!

Bomberella: Do you think The Rock works with Paramount because of the obvious connection.

Bomberella: ?

Bomberella: Mountains and all.

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, is this the narrator from 300?

Bomberella: Maybe a pre-adolescent version.

Bomb_Voyage: I think he’s trying to sound the same.

Bomberella: Aaaaaaah, snake in the eye!

Bomb_Voyage: Seriously do not fuck with Hera.

Bomberella: I like how the Rock is clearly Hawaiian, even as a child.

Bomb_Voyage: Maori, I think.

Bomb_Voyage: No, Samoan.

Bomb_Voyage: Anyway, badass.

Bomberella: Oops, my bad.

Bomb_Voyage: I’m such a classics geek, I’m loving the 12 Labors montage.

Bomb_Voyage: I don’t even care if they’re going to ruin the story.

Bomberella: For some reason I thought he was from Hawaii. He’s from California, apparently.

Bomberella: Not even close.

Bomberella: I feel bad because his dog died today.

Bomberella: That’s what news came up when I typed in “The Rock.”

Bomberella: How long do you think it will be before people call him Dwayne Johnson exclusively.

Bomberella: That was a question. My question mark is not working.

Bomb_Voyage:

Bomb_Voyage: He’ll always be the Rock.

Bomberella: I don’t know why he would even go by any other name.

Bomb_Voyage: I mean, it’s hard to judge whether he’s doing a good job playing Hercules or not, because it’s actually just the Rock in a costume.

Bomberella: So true.

Bomberella: I wish I had a nickname like “The Rock.”

Bomb_Voyage: We could give you one.

Bomb_Voyage: The Bomb?

Bomberella: Oh I’ll take that!

Bomberella: Dwayne Johnson sounds like a car dealer. Or someone you remember from high school.
“I ran into Dwayne Johnson the other day.”
“Oh yeah, what’s he up to?”
“The same.”

Bomb_Voyage: I think they just picked some random names out of Greek mythology for his companions.

Bomb_Voyage: Iolaus is the only one I can recognize so far who was actually associated with Hercules.

Bomberella: Yeah, my knowledge of Greek mythology is a little rusty. I don’t remember who his actual companions were.

Bomberella: Besides Megala.

Bomberella: “Your father is most fortunate to have such a beautiful heir.” Barf.

Bomb_Voyage: He didn’t really have companions. He didn’t really need help. Iolaus drove his chariot, but that’s about it.

Bomberella: “He will pay your weight in gold.”

Bomberella: “Oooh, I weigh a LOT. That’s a pretty good deal.”

Bomb_Voyage: I’m not sure they just drove around in chariots. Maybe.

Bomb_Voyage: Holy shit though the Rock is huge.

Bomb_Voyage: He might even be bigger than He-Man/Dolph Lundgren in his prime.

TheQueenOfMpls: Hi! Sorry I’m late! Netflix forced me to sign in after months of not. I’m at the feast’

Bomb_Voyage: “Hercules. An honor. But not quite as big an honor as I expected.” LOL BURN!

Bomb_Voyage: Hi @TheQueenOfMpls!

TheQueenOfMpls: I kind of wish his nephew had gotten his nuts chopped off.

Bomb_Voyage: LOL

TheQueenOfMpls: Everyone but Hercules is so WHITE

Bomberella: Indeed.

Bomb_Voyage: So are the buildings.

TheQueenOfMpls: What’s with the british accents?

Bomberella: Ancient Greece was actually just outside London.

Bomb_Voyage: Greek clothing and statues were actually really colorful.

TheQueenOfMpls: right. forgot

TheQueenOfMpls: Now the hills are white.

TheQueenOfMpls: The horses are black

Bomb_Voyage: In fairness, I suppose nobody knows what an ancient Greek accent would sound like, but also British accents are kind of hte default for “not American.”

Bomberella: It sounds proper and therefore ancient.

Bomberella: Speaking of ancient, John Hurt is starting to look really old.

Bomberella: Was his last movie Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

TheQueenOfMpls: Oh, La! That precocious child, Aireas. Every movie should have a precocious child!

Bomb_Voyage: So the idea is that all the Labors are actually fake?

Bomb_Voyage: Lame.

BoyBombshell: I have seen too much reality TV to believe in legends

TheQueenOfMpls: Ew!

TheQueenOfMpls: There’s a dead head and a bad hair do.

Bomb_Voyage: Hi @BoyBombshell!

Bomberella: “What are we supposed to do with an army of farmers?”
“Train them.”
Cue the Mulan song “Someday I’ll Make a Man Out of You.”

Bomb_Voyage: I mean, all the Greek armies except for the Spartans were made up of farmers.

Bomb_Voyage: And those are Roman shields.

Bomberella: I really want to make a Rhesus pieces joke at some point.

TheQueenOfMpls: do it

Bomberella: Or something about Rhesus monkeys.

Bomberella: When Hercules plays checkers, what does he take?

Bomb_Voyage: I’m totally geeking out over this movie. Love it.

Bomberella: A: Rhesus’ pieces.

Bomberella: My friend just got a Reese’s peanut butter cup. Power of suggestion.

Bomberella: “Oh hey, little boy. Definitely walk toward the strange snarling.”

Bomb_Voyage: On the one hand, badass woman in a featured role.

Bomb_Voyage: On the other hand, nary a conversation between women in sight.

Bomberella: On the other hand, no other women?

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage: We can’t have women talking to one another. What would happen?

Bomb_Voyage: Women in movies are like antimatter. If they touch, it’s the end of the universe.

Bomberella: “…with his buxom Amazons and exciting bondage.” – Little boy

Bomberella: Women in movies are like babymakers.

Bomb_Voyage: If they’re close enough to talk, it could be the end of movies as we know them.

Bomberella: Would that be a bad thing?

Bomb_Voyage: No, but it scares the hell out of dudes.

Bomberella: I mean, would it be bad to shake things up and not have more movies full of just men talking to one another?

Bomberella: Yeah.

Bomberella: I know your comment was sarcastic.

Bomberella: I just had to pose the question.

Bomb_Voyage: Just wait, I’m drinking a triple-shot cocktail tonight. I’m only going to get more snarky.

Bomberella: I’m already two in myself. And it was a weird long day.

Bomb_Voyage: Why are they leaving the safety of their fortress, now?

Bomberella: I’m only going to get stupider.

Bomberella: They are on a quest for some reason.

Bomb_Voyage: This has actually been a long buildup for an action flick.

Bomberella: I think to pick a fight with Mel Gibson and his army?

Bomberella: It has been a long buildup.

TheQueenOfMpls: My computer just pulled a stupid on me. Man, tonight is not my lucj!

TheQueenOfMpls: luck!

Bomb_Voyage: They’re dressed more like Romans than Greeks. Pretty sure they should be using bronze swords and wearing armor made of leather and bones or something.

Bomberella: @TheQueenOfMpls, it’s okay. I’m having an off night as well.

Bomb_Voyage: Like this guy:

Bomberella: And @Bomb_Voyage, I’m guessing “historical accuracy” was pretty low on the list of priorities.

TheQueenOfMpls: Yay! More dead heads

Bomb_Voyage: Oh, I know. It just makes me happy to geek out.

Bomberella: Crazy! Those dead people weren’t dead!

TheQueenOfMpls: Yuck!!!

Bomberella: So Rhesus casts spells? Like a warlock?

TheQueenOfMpls: Oh go! Snarly man just licked his finger after touching a dead head.

Bomb_Voyage: At least they’re just barbarians.

TheQueenOfMpls: Fucking yuck!

Bomb_Voyage: Dothraki, maybe.

TheQueenOfMpls: Rhesus is a dick!

BoyBombshell: Just like that

Bomberella: Hercules just pulled an Indiana Jones.

Bomb_Voyage: Pretty sure they got those swords from Game of Thrones.

TheQueenOfMpls: He put on his lion head

Bomberella: “Run at me with a sword and I’ll punch you in the face.”

TheQueenOfMpls: They look like lizard men.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh no, they’re totally doing Hercules! Hercules! I’m right back to this: https://www.youtube.com/wat…

Bomberella: https://www.youtube.com/wat…

Bomberella: Haha! Jinx!

TheQueenOfMpls: AH! I can’t help but think of Dr. Doolittle and his fat family. The Eddie Murphy version!

BoyBombshell: I love the slicing sounds

TheQueenOfMpls: Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!

Bomberella: Exactly! From Nutty Professor.

TheQueenOfMpls: They did a really good job and making these people not look human!

Bomb_Voyage: They’ve got some amazing tats.

Bomberella: I wonder if that green paint was annoying to wash off.

TheQueenOfMpls: I’m sure it was!

Bomb_Voyage: Why didn’t Legolas think about putting blades on his bow? Seems like a pretty smart mod.

Bomberella: I think the bow and arrow (for the time) was pretty advanced.

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, do we think LOTR pre-dates this?

Bomberella: “The (man-made) wall (of men) has been breached!”

Bomberella: I dunno, I thought LOTR was sort of another world.

TheQueenOfMpls: Bored with this battle!

TheQueenOfMpls: Are these zombies or something? I don’t understand why they are so animalistic.

Bomb_Voyage: Whatever their plan was in marching the army out of the fortress, it seems to have been pretty stupid in the end.

TheQueenOfMpls: Once again the nephew is pretty useless.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh, some of the soldiers aren’t dead.

Bomberella: I think their plan was to let Hercules kill 99 % and Atalanta kill the 1%.

Bomb_Voyage: Plus the other random dude threw away some of his knives and killed like two.

TheQueenOfMpls: He’s in pieces!

TheQueenOfMpls: Rhesus Pieces!

Bomberella: Aw man, @TheQueenOfMpls! you got it.

TheQueenOfMpls: Still funny,

Bomb_Voyage: Not yet, but soon …

Bomberella: “Make no mistake, I’ll end you myself.”

Bomb_Voyage: Every time we watch a sword movie I start chuckling about that elf aiming her sword in whatever dragon movie that was.

Bomberella: The Curse of the Dragon: The Palladin Cycle?

Bomberella: Whatever movie it was, that was the weirdest battle stance.

TheQueenOfMpls: Nurse is asking too many personal questions!

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella Yep. That was the best.

TheQueenOfMpls: It’s okay Hercules. You can cry over your dead naked wife.

Bomberella: It’s also weird to me that he says, “I never knew my father,” and she says “He must have been very strong.” Isn’t Hercules’ dad Zeus?

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella Apparently nobody believes that.

TheQueenOfMpls: I’m thinking that his nephew made it all up.

TheQueenOfMpls: Children laughing in the night? Never a good sign.

Bomb_Voyage: We’re in alternate-Greece, where Hercules is just a really strong dude who is good at fighting.

TheQueenOfMpls: Don’t go! Stop!

TheQueenOfMpls: Three headed dog exists

TheQueenOfMpls: Nope.

TheQueenOfMpls: Nevermind

Bomb_Voyage: That’s Cerberus, obvs.

Bomberella: “You’re a famed storyteller, grace me with a story.” -Every writer’s least favorite phrase.

TheQueenOfMpls: Gossiping!

Bomb_Voyage: It’s up there with asking a comedian to “Say something funny.”

Bomberella: Exactly.

TheQueenOfMpls: All my coworkers think I do standup.

Bomberella: Mine too.

TheQueenOfMpls: I do improv. Completely different.

Bomberella: They often say, “Say something funny.”

TheQueenOfMpls: I hate that!

Bomberella: So I say, “Something funny.”

Bomberella: It gets a laugh about 30% of the time.

TheQueenOfMpls: Then they get all pissy and stop inviting you the happy hours. Whatever!

Bomberella: Oooh, the blood rage! I wonder if that’s related to the blood moon.

TheQueenOfMpls: Yeah, lady! The truth! So STFU!

Bomberella: “I’ve just been sitting in my tent this whole time guys.” That guy.

TheQueenOfMpls: Quick! Grab the gold helmuts!

Bomberella: “YOU shall carry the shield of Hercules!”

Bomberella: “Um, do I have to? I mean, I have a lot of things to do. Like, you know, stuff.”

TheQueenOfMpls: And I’m like, “nah. that’s cool.”

Bomberella: Nephew, stop giving my armor away!

TheQueenOfMpls: Tee hee

Bomberella: “If it’s indestructible, how did Hercules cut it off the boar?”

Bomberella: “He used an indestructible blade.”

Bomberella: “Ooooh.”

Bomb_Voyage: Stupid questions.

TheQueenOfMpls: Indestructible blade! Ofcourse!

Bomb_Voyage: It’s like Teflon.

BoyBombshell: Kid’s got an answer for everything

Bomb_Voyage: It works somehow.

TheQueenOfMpls: We need a montage!

Bomberella: I hate those destructible blades. They don’t work.

Bomberella: Did someone call for a battle prep montage?

TheQueenOfMpls: There’s nothing like a montage! Have a lot of music in your montage@

TheQueenOfMpls: Make it look like a lot of time has passed in this montage!

Bomb_Voyage: And huahh-ing.

Bomberella: Reprise “Someday I’ll Make a Man Out of You”

Bomb_Voyage: +1

TheQueenOfMpls: @Bomberella YAAAASSSS!

TheQueenOfMpls: Oh, sad. Montage over.

Bomberella: That’s how I always feel.

TheQueenOfMpls: God’s are so annoying.

Bomberella: “As always, the gods are generous with hints but cheap on specifics.”

Bomb_Voyage: I keep hoping it turns out there there really are centaurs and magic and gods and Hercules isn’t a mortal after all.

Bomberella: Also, generous with costuming but cheap on historical accuracy.

Bomb_Voyage: Mortal Hercules isn’t nearly ascool.

Bomberella: Or is it cooler?

Bomb_Voyage: Tydeus has a sweet beard.

Bomb_Voyage: Everybody is mortal. What’s cool about that?

TheQueenOfMpls: NOTHING!

Bomberella: He’s the strongest man alive.

Bomb_Voyage: Allegedly.

TheQueenOfMpls: Look at all that CGI!

Bomb_Voyage: That’s some serious fake scenery!

TheQueenOfMpls: Now we get to make Centaur jokes

TheQueenOfMpls: Like how hung they are or something

TheQueenOfMpls: Never mind

TheQueenOfMpls: Rhesus stopped all my centaur jokes! what a jerl!

Bomb_Voyage: What accent is Rhesus using?

TheQueenOfMpls: jerk

TheQueenOfMpls: Jerk accent

Bomb_Voyage: Everyone is wearing Corinthian helmets even though they’re nowhere near Corinth and they’re a few centuries early.

Bomberella: cough cough nerd cough cough

Bomberella: Also, Tydeus reminds me of this guy for some reason.

Bomb_Voyage: They’re in Thrace, which really isn’t even Greece proper.

Bomb_Voyage: Macedonia and Thrace didn’t get any respect from Greece until Phillip and Alexander made that area of the world seem cool.

Bomberella: What did Nephew just say? Something about hours and warriors? And then he guy said “Quiet, boy’

Bomb_Voyage: The Thracians were famous for their horses, though, so at least they got the cavalry thing right. For like 30 seconds.

TheQueenOfMpls: I don’t think this film is at all truly based on accuracy ‘

Bomberella: I bet they foley guy got sick of slicing noises.

TheQueenOfMpls: Someone has a death wish

Bomberella: Or maybe not.

Bomb_Voyage: No, accuracy is not key, here. Those are Roman turtles, not Greek phalanxes.

TheQueenOfMpls: Don’t take off your hood!

TheQueenOfMpls: WTF!

Bomberella: Whoa, Hercules just flipped a horse over!

TheQueenOfMpls: Grabbing the horse by the ballS

Bomb_Voyage: He’s very strong.

TheQueenOfMpls: Boo, those guys

Bomberella: I feel like the “shaming prisoners of war” piece is something I’m glad we no longer do.

Bomberella: Oh wait.

Bomberella: We totally still do that.

TheQueenOfMpls: nah, I would’ve thrown rotten fruit at Kim Davis.

Bomb_Voyage: The general is a total dickweed.

TheQueenOfMpls: Then who did?

Bomberella: Look guys, women! (Don’t give them lines.)

Bomb_Voyage: Whatever you do, DON’T LET THEM TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!

Bomberella: ONLY LET THEM ANSWER QUESTIONS POSED BY MEN!

TheQueenOfMpls: LOL

Bomb_Voyage: One land. One king. One Thrace. And a random collection of British accents.

TheQueenOfMpls: Hurting people is funny

Bomberella: “You lie very well. Clearly your father’s daughter.” Ouch.

Bomb_Voyage: I’m not sold on this thing where mothers do all sorts of evil shit to protect their kids.

TheQueenOfMpls: Arius is the king. Damn! Didn’t know that legend.

TheQueenOfMpls: @Bomb_Voyage You’ve never been a teacher.

Bomb_Voyage: I just noticed the muscles on Hercules’s armor is actually smaller than his actual muscles.

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage this is the world we live in.

Bomb_Voyage: Like those pecs are tiny and way higher than his real pecs.

Bomberella: LOL

Bomberella: So true.

Bomberella: “Child killer.” -Worse insult or the worst insult?

Bomberella: I just said “Thank god this movie is only 98 minutes long.”

TheQueenOfMpls: Same!

Bomberella: I’m sorry I’m not geeking out about it as much as you are @Bomb_Voyage

Bomb_Voyage: I was going to give them props for the Doric columns but I think those are off by a few centuries, too.

TheQueenOfMpls: Although I think this is the only one I will be able to get through.

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella It’s okay. Give me anything vaguely Greek or Roman and I’ll geek out like crazy.

Bomberella: That’s understandable. Teaching is an early gig.

Bomberella: Apparently!

TheQueenOfMpls: What?!? Giving up the gold?

Bomb_Voyage: Okay, now I can’t stop seeing how dumb his armor is.

Bomb_Voyage: It looks silly on hime.

Bomberella: I’m pretty sure Atalanta’s is not anatomically well-placed either.

Bomb_Voyage: “I am a giant muscle man with armor made for a much smaller muscle man.”

TheQueenOfMpls: Debt? We are your new family!

Bomb_Voyage: Atalanta has typically-stupid woman armor.

TheQueenOfMpls: What is with all these people giving up their gold? There is no heroic speech. None of this makes sense to me!

Bomberella: You may have all lost your minds but not me. -The one smart guy

TheQueenOfMpls: Right!

Bomb_Voyage: I feel like this is the definitive treatise on woman armor, BTW: https://www.polygon.com/201…

Bomberella: “I mean, Hercules, we’re friends and all, but this is my weight in gold.”

TheQueenOfMpls: Let the nephew die!

Bomb_Voyage: Oh snap, they’re all wearing their Hercules armor.

Bomberella: I’m with you @TheQueenOfMpls. He’s annoying.

Bomb_Voyage: The Rock is a lot more intimidating without his armor on.

TheQueenOfMpls: I’m wondering if Hercules was cast by someone else and they couldn’t do it because of scheduling conflicts and got the Rock to do it but were already over budget so they just gave him the old costume. Yeah?

Bomberella: Probably.

Bomberella: He is much more intimidating shirtless.

Bomberella: That armor looks like something he got at Party City.

TheQueenOfMpls: There’s the guy with the bad hair do.

Bomb_Voyage: I hate to break it to you, Cotys, but Thrace isn’t actually Greece. Nobody thinks that.

Bomberella: He played Shakespeare in Shakespeare in Love.

TheQueenOfMpls: Ooh. Slappy slappy!

Bomb_Voyage: Also Lord Voldemort.

Bomberella: Nope, that was his brother.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh right.

TheQueenOfMpls: That’s Joseph Fiennes? Wow had his star fallen!

Bomberella: “My Wife! My CHildren! Everyone in my immediate family! My people I’m most closely related to!

TheQueenOfMpls: LOL!

TheQueenOfMpls: I mean. sad

Bomb_Voyage: Okay, now that I’m a dad I basically can’t deal with the idea of people killing children.

Bomberella: So much is happening right now! Stop crying lady! Stop talking to me guy!

TheQueenOfMpls: Whoa

Bomb_Voyage: Seriously what the fuck you fucking fucks why were you fucking with Hercules.

Bomberella: Catching a wolf by the jaw is probably the most badass thing.

TheQueenOfMpls: Yeah CGI!

Bomberella: “The final labor is complete.”
“But I’m just getting started.”
“So there’s going to be a sequel.”

Bomberella: “Yep.”

Bomberella: “Excuse me, that was my moment. My fate.”

Bomberella: “You’re welcome.”

Bomb_Voyage: LOL that was great.

TheQueenOfMpls: What is with his death wish?

TheQueenOfMpls: Is he just lazy?

Bomberella: Pulling the flaming urn over got the biggest laugh here.

TheQueenOfMpls: Dude, jump off one of the mountains and do it yourself.

Bomb_Voyage: The wolves wouldn’t stop Hercules, but this brazier totally will.

Bomberella: ^Word.

TheQueenOfMpls: Nope. Not forgiving.

TheQueenOfMpls: Ow.

Bomb_Voyage: “Ask my family (who are dead) for forgiveness.” Good line.

TheQueenOfMpls: That fall looked like it hurt.

Bomberella: Nephew redeems himself.

TheQueenOfMpls: For once!

Bomberella: When did John Hurt do a 180?

Bomb_Voyage: John Hurt is a dickweed too, it turns out.

TheQueenOfMpls: Damn. What’s with all these people?

Bomberella: Whenever people give me to the count of three I feel tempted to ask if it’s on three or after three.

TheQueenOfMpls: Red, no Blue!

Bomb_Voyage: How does knife dude manage to knock out like twelve people at a time?

TheQueenOfMpls: Dancy Dancy! Oh, he got struck?!?

Bomberella: Okay, maybe these flaming urns are actually legit.

TheQueenOfMpls: Snarly dude is gonna die!

Bomb_Voyage: No no, the braziers are smart now.

Bomberella: The term “braziers” makes me think of DQ.

Bomb_Voyage: I feel like the fucking-with-Hercules plan was misguided.

TheQueenOfMpls: Oh no, the extras will need skin grafts.

Bomberella: “Hey, you didn’t just growl! You said my name!”

TheQueenOfMpls: He’s human@

TheQueenOfMpls: !

TheQueenOfMpls: and dead

Bomberella: Gabriel says, “They got a lot of mileage out of knocking things over.”

TheQueenOfMpls: He;s gonna pull a Samson!

Bomb_Voyage: I mean, he actually held the world for Atlas for a while. Knocking over a statue is NBD.

Bomberella: “Guys, a little help here? I mean, I know I’m the strongest man alive, but that doesn’t mean I have to move everything.”

Bomberella: No one ever offers to help Hercules move apartment.s

Bomb_Voyage: Yeah suck it, Cotys.

TheQueenOfMpls: I have CC on and everytime I read Coitus,

TheQueenOfMpls: I know. Wrong

Bomberella: He’s like, “I’ll pay you in DQ blizzards.” And they’re like, nah.

Bomb_Voyage: “I am ridiculously larger than I looked in my armor. You want a piece of me?”

Bomberella: “Hercules, hercules, hercules!”

TheQueenOfMpls: Officially a GOD!

Bomb_Voyage: And it’s Dr. Doolittle again.

Bomberella: https://www.youtube.com/wat…

TheQueenOfMpls: I hate this voice over.

TheQueenOfMpls: Oh, good. it’s over.

Bomb_Voyage: Wait it wasn’t Iolaus telling the story? That was the ultimate suprirse ending.

Bomberella: Gabriel said the voiceover reminds him of Burl Ives in Rudolph.

Bomb_Voyage: I loved it. I can’t give it 5 stars because the history was totally ridiculous. But otherwise, if you’re going to do Hercules, fucking the Rock. Of course.

TheQueenOfMpls: Now he’s killing all the mythical beasts in the bad animation.

Bomb_Voyage: 4 stars.

Bomberella: I feel like the 12 Labors would have been more interesting.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh for sure.

Bomb_Voyage: Maybe they’ll do a prequel.

Bomb_Voyage: I’ll watch.

Bomberella: I give it a 2. the build-up took too long, it failed the Bechdel test, and the Rock’s armor was ridiculous.

TheQueenOfMpls: I give it 3 stars. It was entertaining and fun at times but I wouldn’t watch it again.’

Bomb_Voyage: Remember, we’re rating as good-bad, not objective-bad.

Bomberella: Gabriel says he’s a little disappointed because it wasn’t as bad as he thought it was.

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella Fair.

Bomberella: I wanted to be able to make fun of more. But I also wouldn’t watch it again.

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella I just noticed there’s an Ahnold movie called “Hercules in New York” that we should almost certainly watch.

TheQueenOfMpls: Yeah, I didn’t get to make as much fun of it as I wanted to.

Bomberella: I might give it a 3 because it did have moments to make fun of, but not as many as I hoped.

Bomb_Voyage: It’s from 1968 and Netflix predicts I’ll give it 1 star.

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage: I put that in the top part of the post. I’m so glad I spend so much time writing things you don’t read.

Bomb_Voyage:

Immortal Hercules is zapped by a lightning bolt into 20th-century New York, where he crosses paths with the mob and a shitty wrestling promoter.

TheQueenOfMpls: Well, I gotta go to bed. Good night!

Bomb_Voyage: You can say shitty in Netflix movie notes?

Bomberella: Thanks for joining us, @TheQueenOfMpls!
Come again.

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella I make a point of only reading the post after you call me on it.

Bomb_Voyage: It’s a point of pride.

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage, not kid movie notes.

Bomberella: And thanks.

Bomberella: I’ll call you on it every time from now on.

Bomberella: Well, I don’t think we should watch it back to back, do you?

Bomb_Voyage: Probably not. What’s up next?

BoyBombshell: I think we should watch it right now

Bomb_Voyage: @BoyBombshell I’m considering it.

Bomberella: I have to go to bed.

Bomberella: But next week is Outcast, starring Nicolas Cage.

Bomb_Voyage: Yes!

Bomb_Voyage: See you all next week!

Bomberella: Until then, goodnight!

The post Cinéma Atroce: Hercules appeared first on Bitter Empire.

Source: http://bitterempire.com/cinema-atroce-hercules/