The next installment of our Summer of Monsters is Killer Mermaid (aka Nymph). As fans of the 80s classic, Splash, we find it hard to believe a mermaid could kill anyone. Except maybe with her looks. But that’s possibly the genius of this movie: everyone suspects a werewolf or a giant crocodile or Voldemort; no one suspects a woman in a shell bikini with a fish tail. It’s the quintessential “young attractive people on vacation in a foreign country get murdered by a siren” movie and we can’t wait to see how the killer mermaid…kills…them…because it seems like the old man actually does the killing in the trailer. It has a creepy fisherman! And bad special effects! And it will probably pass the Bechdel test! And, it’s an open chat, so please join in the commentary.

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Killer Mermaid on Netflix, and pull up the livechat starting at 9pm CDT. And come back next week for the start of Shark Month!

Jump right down to the livechat.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Host Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-chat at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail

Tonight we’re drinking Killer Mimosas! Or, Mer-mosas. We know it’s traditionally a brunch drink, but we’re nonconformists, so deal with it. Also, the pun was right there. What makes them killer? We’re following the traditional recipe and adding triple sec. But wait, you just told us you’re nonconformists and now you’re following a traditional recipe? Yeah, but most people make their mimosas with just champagne and OJ, which is actually called a Buck’s Fizz. So, conformingly nonconformist. Incidentally, the old man in this movie is probably called Buck.

Killer Mer-mosas

1 oz. Sofia champagne in a can
dash of triple sec
1 oz. orange juice
splash of grenadine
Pour champagne into a flute. Shake together triple sec and OJ and add to the champagne. Splash with blood grenadine and garnish with your fruit of choice. Well, maybe not plums. Or grapes. Or lemons–that would just be weird.

Tonight’s Livechat

Bomberella: Hey guys! Are you ready to watch a mermaid kill people?

Bomberella: Also, this is what my Killer Mer-mosa looks like.

Bomb_Voyage: Sorry for the delay, everyone. Takes me forever to get the girls down when (a) it’s still light out, and (b) fireworks.

Bomberella: Okay, everyone. Push play…Now!

Bomberella: Something tells me this movie is going to be epic.

Bomb_Voyage: It is definitely going to involve a lot of stock footage of underwater scenes.

Bomberella: Ooh, quoting Moby Dick and starting with a shot and music reminiscent of Jaws. I like it already.

Bomberella: There’s a guy named Dragan in it and someone named Natalie Burn.

Bomberella: Yesssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, are these foreign mermaids?

Bomberella: Of course they’re foreign mermaids.

Bomberella: Everything is outsourced nowadayds.

Bomberella: I feel like the drinking game should be to add more grenadine every time the mermaid kills someone.

Bomberella: It’s exactly like the beginning of Jaws.

Boss Nassty: Where we at?

Bomb_Voyage: Well that’s a world record TTT (time to tits).

Bomberella: “Let’s go skinny dipping at night in the ocean because that makes not being able to see anything much more romantic and NOTHING feeds at night.”

Bomberella: “Sergei, there’s a Portuguese Man-o-war you just have to see.”

Bomb_Voyage: Is that Candyman?

Bomberella: “Hey creepy fisherman with a hook, you seem helpful..wwehiwoehwhweh”

Bomberella: Also, technically that makes creepy fisherman the killer. Not the mermaid.

Bomberella: Point of order.

Bomb_Voyage: I have questions.

Bomberella: Even if the mermaid is demanding sacrifices, she’s still technically not the killer.

Bomb_Voyage: Well she does seem to have killed the boyfriend.

Bomberella: But I think this is the fastest we have passed the Bechdel test.

Bomb_Voyage: Yep.

Bomberella: It’s true. But much less spectacularly a kill.

Bomberella: And this may have passed the Bechdel test but they did talk an awful lot about guys within that conversation.

Boss Nassty: “Hey, hey ladies. I’m European.”

Bomberella: Swooon.

Bomberella: That’s how it works.

Bomb_Voyage: Fiancé is scary.

Bomberella: “I’m really sorry I have an adorable accent and can speak multiple languages and look like a supermodel. You regular model-types must feel so inadequate.”

Bomb_Voyage: Also you totally don’t invite your college girlfriend halfway across the world and then surprise her with your fiancé.

Bomb_Voyage: Not cool.

Bomberella: Yes you do. You totally do. -Every woman ever.

Bomberella: Or maybe that’s just been my experience.

Bomberella: I like to think of myself as an Everywoman

Bomberella: “I didn’t realize this was part of his elaborate scheme to make me jealous and want him back. I’ve been such a fool.”

Bomberella: That is an awesome setting, though.

Bomberella: First (second) Moby Dick reference. And I Know What You Did Last Summer. Sweet.

Bomberella: “Awwwww, that’s so sweet….Oh, will you look at that, I need another cocktail.”

Bomb_Voyage: Euro dude sounds like Borat.

Bomberella: “I’m not jealous. I just want to murder my future husband’s ex-girlfriends.”

Bomb_Voyage: This posh european vacation is pretty much the most awkward thing ever.

Boss Nassty: Dancing always makes that less awkward

Bomberella: Agreed.

Bomb_Voyage: Do people just dance in the living room. Ever? Without drugs I mean.

Bomberella: Look. They’re BFFs now.


Bomberella: I dance in the living room all the time. No drugs.

Bomberella: Just high on life.

Boss Nassty: What was that purple drink? Looked great

Bomb_Voyage: Like I can see doing that at a house party, but there’s never been a point in my life where I’ve been in a room with two or three people and turned to one and been like “let’s dance.”

Bomb_Voyage: Maybe I’m just lame.

Bomb_Voyage: But like aren’t there any clubs on that island?

Bomberella: @Boss Nassty, I think it was a Grape Ape

Bomberella: and @ Bomb_Voyage you’re just lame

Bomberella: The sky looked ominous FORESHADOWING

Bomberella: “Hey best friend of my best ex-girlfriend, what was up with Kelly on the boat today? Was she, like, totally into me or did her brother drown when she was a kid?

Bomberella: Most awkward transition ever.

Boss Nassty: “All i wanted to know is if she was single….umm…let’s dance?”

Bomberella: “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her in the water…have you set a date?”

Bomberella: Wait, so now he’s macking on the friend?

Boss Nassty: ^he’s european

Bomb_Voyage: I think that’s his ex, actually.

Bomb_Voyage: Although I wasn’t paying close attention.

Bomberella: Oh, right. European. I forget that.

Bomberella: Public urination is a citable offense.

Bomberella: Yeesh.

Boss Nassty: why is he laughing?

Bomberella: His penis is hilarious.

Boss Nassty: This is “I Know What You Did Last Summer”

Bomb_Voyage: Because peeing is funny when you’re the right amount of drunk.

Bomb_Voyage: I don’t know why.

Bomb_Voyage: But been there, done that.

Bomb_Voyage: Without the neck-stabbing, though.

Bomberella: This is “I Know What You Did Last Summer” meets “Jaws” meets “Hostel” meets “The Little Mermaid” meets the Odyssey meets “Moby Dick.”

Bomb_Voyage: GUYS! I think I figured it out. The fishing guy is the one who is killing people!

Bomb_Voyage: Mystery solved.

Bomberella: “You were really drunk last night, you lightweight. How are you feeling?”

Boss Nassty: Are there mermaids in this movie?

Bomberella: “It’s an abandoned army base that was then turned into a leper colony/abandoned prison/small pox quarantine facility. You’ll like it. I was thinking of having our wedding there.”

Bomb_Voyage: I assume they go to Mamula eventually because that’s the original title of the movie.


Bomberella: And @Boss, I hope so. Otherwise I feel lied to.

Bomberella: Okay guys, stop pushing people in. That’s kind of dangerous.

Bomberella: Wait, how did creepy fisherman get here?

Boss Nassty: so the old salty swedish sea dog feeds the mermaids or is there just two seperate killers here

Bomberella: No, I think Salty old Swedish dog feeds the mermaid. I think it’s just one

Bomberella: Jaws view!

Bomberella: Hahaha, prankster is here!

Boss Nassty: “what fish has hands you horses ass?”

Bomberella: Oh, thank god. Another y-chromosome.

Bomberella: And he has a spear gun.

Bomberella: And dives.

Boss Nassty: aqua man

Bomberella: Swoooooooon

Bomb_Voyage: Nice dive.

Boss Nassty: hahaha

Bomberella: “Who was that?” “Just a friend of Yasmin’s” A friend. Riiiiiiiiiight.

Bomb_Voyage: I bet they dance somewhere awkward again.

Bomberella: Oh I hope so.

Bomberella: I’ll make it a dancing game. I’ll dance when they dance.

Bomb_Voyage: Apparently they could not afford extras on this set.

Bomb_Voyage: There have been like two people in the background. I bet they just take turns walking through the background.

Boss Nassty: She needs new jeans. They have holes in them.

Bomberella: They also couldn’t afford full pants.

Boss Nassty: nice

Bomb_Voyage: Those jeans are very European.

Bomberella: You’re very European.

Bomb_Voyage: Alex’s boat is absolutely not a yacht.

Bomberella: You know who else was pean? That guy who laughed and got killed.

Boss Nassty: that’s the guy from jaws right

Bomberella: Grizzled old sea dog = Quint

Bomberella: Man, @Boss you and I are on the same wavelength

Boss Nassty: Yup

Boss Nassty: we’d kill it in cards against humanity right now

Bomberella: “I don’t want to have to kill you.”

Bomb_Voyage: You guys are crazy. This is a Scooby Doo plot.

Bomberella: Seriously.

Bomb_Voyage: They’re going to pull the mask off the mermaid in the end, and it’ll be the old sea dog.

Bomberella: I don’t remember people actually getting stabbed with grappling hooks in Scooby Doo

Bomberella: But maybe.

Boss Nassty: Righ donn knoo shraagggyy

Bomb_Voyage: He was just trying to scare people away from the museum so he could build an apartment complex.

Bomb_Voyage: And he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you darn former-Yugoslavians!

Bomberella: No no no no, he definitely wants to build a mega-mall. Or Sea World.

Bomberella: Too soon?

Boss Nassty: He sells killer mermaid merchandise in a shack by the pier

Bomb_Voyage: In a van down by the river.

Bomberella: In a hammock by the beach

Boss Nassty: “Soooo, that was weird….let’s dance?”

Bomb_Voyage: So far this is actually a lot like some of my best moments traveling abroad.

Bomberella: “Just go anywhere else…and while you’re at it, buy my coconut bra. Also comes in seashells.”

Bomb_Voyage: Lots of empties on a random bar table? Check.

Bomb_Voyage: Crazy drunk local saying shit? Check.

Bomb_Voyage: Scenery? Check.

Bomberella: Serial killer stalking very nearby?…Check?

Bomb_Voyage: Unexpected side trip with someone you just met? Check.

Bomb_Voyage: That’s the kind of shit that gets your trip into Rick Steves.

Bomberella: Two super hot ladies and one normal one? Check

Bomb_Voyage: Those jean shorts are amazing actually. How does she put them on?

Bomberella: A spear-fisherman and a man in a speedo? Check.

Bomberella: @Bomb Voyage: They’re painted on.

Bomb_Voyage: They sure look like it.

Bomberella: Nice tennies

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, who is Alex’s college girlfriend?

Bomberella: Predictions: Lucy and Alex end up together. The fiance dies. What’s-her-name gets over her fear of water to save Lucy.

Boss Nassty: spear man either dies first or last

Bomberella: I thought it was the short-haired one, but then I thought it was Lucy (long dark hair). Now I have no idea.

Bomberella: And @Boss, yes.

Bomberella: Wait, is this Bikini Atoll? Is there radiation from Atom bombs there? Because that would make our name more fitting.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh shit, it’s a real place:…

Boss Nassty: no way

Bomberella: Of course it’s a real place. They can’t afford extras, they can’t afford to build a set like that.

Bomb_Voyage: Check it out:…

Boss Nassty: if you read that whole wiki, it has spoilers

Bomb_Voyage: No, but I’m surprised they used the real name of the place.

Bomberella: I smell a vacation…

Bomberella: I didn’t read the whole wiki

Bomb_Voyage: No streetview, though.

Bomb_Voyage: Or panoramas.

Bomb_Voyage: Lame.

Bomberella: The Google Maps image looks like a snow angel, kind of.

Boss Nassty: “SUCK BRICK KID”

Bomberella: Hahaha

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, that’s a different grizzled old sea dog.

Bomberella: really?

Bomb_Voyage: Pretty sure.

Bomb_Voyage: Also the other guy wasn’t carrying around buckets of people parts.

Bomberella: Well, not at the bar. Duh.

Bomberella: Aqua Man kind of looks like Steven Weber.

Bomb_Voyage: Good idea: let’s split up.

Bomb_Voyage: NOT A GOOD IDEA


Boss Nassty: Ariel aged horribly

Bomb_Voyage: That was creepy as shit.

Bomberella: She did.

Bomberella: Yeah, different sea dog

Bomberella: I bet the sea dog who warns them is the sea dog who saves them.

Bomb_Voyage: Actually, maybe there are three. One with a hook, one with a gun (who is a really bad shot), and one that tells creepy stories to random tourists.

Boss Nassty: what’s the exact time y’all are at?

Bomb_Voyage: I’ve got 47:50 remaining.

Bomberella: 42: 45…46…47

Bomb_Voyage: Pretty sure @Bomberella is ahead of me.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh ,she is.

Bomberella: I’ve got 47:22 remaining

Boss Nassty: I’m at 43:20

Boss Nassty: what a dodge!

Bomberella: Just got there

Bomberella: Not looking good for Aqua Man

Bomberella: I think the killer mermaid can smell blood

Bomberella: And grizzled sea dog is a good tracker

Bomberella: Which is weird since there were just in the same place…


Bomberella: Aquaman!


Bomb_Voyage: Aquaman!

Bomberella: Seriously? How hard is it to follow someone on an island when you just saw them?

Boss Nassty: is there only one mermaid? I hope there’s several of them, and they’re swarming hermione and the other poor stooges during the tri-wizard tourney

Bomberella: That’s definitely what’s going to happen.

Bomberella: Also, I’m pretty sure Aquaman (aka Bob) dies first.

Bomberella: “Guys, these were new board shorts.”

Boss Nassty: was that a trip wire?

Bomb_Voyage: Why does everyone in the movies try to tie a tourniquet when they get a cut? Tourniquets make your parts fall off, stupids.

Bomberella: Of course. But he’s too smart for that.

Bomb_Voyage: That’s last resort shit.

Bomberella: Trip wire I mean.

Bomberella: Tourniquets just seem like a good idea.

Bomb_Voyage: They are not.

Bomb_Voyage: Unless you are willing to lose a part in order to not die.

Bomb_Voyage: Which sometimes you are.

Bomberella: But everyone in the movies does them! Everyone in the movies can’t be wrong

Boss Nassty: slows the blood from flowing

Bomberella: TV is 100% true.

Boss Nassty: stops you from bleeding out

Boss Nassty: life > one foot

Bomb_Voyage: I don’t feel like that was a bleeding-out kind of injury.

Boss Nassty: pretty sure he wasn’t going to bleed out from that though

Boss Nassty: exactly

Bomb_Voyage: Agred.

Bomb_Voyage: Agreed.

Boss Nassty: little pressure would have been fine

Bomb_Voyage: Cnanot splel.

Bomberella: The thing is, you can apply pressure and make a fake bandage. So easy.

Boss Nassty: know problim

Bomberella: Bob’s eyes look creepy in the low light.

Bomb_Voyage: Ah, my trusty grappling hook.

Bomberella: “This grappling hook should do it.”

Boss Nassty: couldn’t have done a creepier thing

Bomb_Voyage: Which I sharpen using a stationary bicycle rigged up to a grinder.

Bomberella: I love that he has a bike grinding wheel.

Bomb_Voyage: For some reason.

Bomb_Voyage: That’s some serious hipster shit for a grizzled sea dog killer.

Boss Nassty: and why not a normal hook? I don’t see him using the grappling hook for it’s designed reason

Bomb_Voyage: I bet he has a suitcase typewriter, too.

Boss Nassty: don’t

Boss Nassty: open

Boss Nassty: that

Boss Nassty: door

Bomberella: “Gotta get my exercise. Doc says I have the high blood preshur. Stationery bike is easier on the joints.”

Bomberella: She’s not throwing a “help me look.” She’s throwing a “seductive, come-hither” look.

Bomberella: “She needs me…” famous last words.

Boss Nassty: I thought it was a siren that did the whole singing lullaby thing

Bomb_Voyage: How come Bob can’t hear the siren song?

Bomberella: It was.

Bomb_Voyage: Siren, mermaid. Same thing.

Bomberella: Bob has an inner ear problem due to the spear-fishing

Bomb_Voyage: Basically.

Bomberella: he’s looking into it.

Boss Nassty: the pressure from the deep water, several ear infections, who knows

Boss Nassty: “I made it. You’re free. Let’s gAAGGGHHHHHH”

Bomb_Voyage: All I know is you stuff your ears when you are near water and think you hear beautiful singing.

Bomberella: Guys! He’s sensitive about it, okay? He was going to be a pilot but he has poor hearing and couldn’t pass the test.

Bomberella: Chains hanging from the ceiling. Not creepy at all.

Boss Nassty: that’s kind of a nice room. maybe just wait it out

Bomberella: Is that a poster of a clown?

Bomb_Voyage: We’re pretty far into this movie and still no mermaid. I think they were short of funds for special effects.

Boss Nassty: oh. bathtub.

Bomb_Voyage: I can’t wait to find out why the creepy sea dog is feeding the mermaid.

Bomberella: You think? They couldn’t afford extras.

Bomb_Voyage: I bet he has a really solid reason.

Bomberella: She’s his daughter.

Bomb_Voyage: Like he’s going to use her to bring back Yugoslavia and restore it to its former glory.

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella Oh that’s pretty good.

Bomb_Voyage: How in the world can they tell who those people in the photos are?

Bomberella: Because there are no other old people in the area.

Boss Nassty: oh shit

Bomb_Voyage: No honey, he’s not cheating on you with a rencome girl down the well. He’s been eaten by a mermaid.

Bomberella: Told you the fiance would bite it.

Bomb_Voyage: Where was that guy hiding?

Bomberella: Under the exercise bike.

Bomberella: Classic hiding spot.

Bomb_Voyage: I’ve just gotta think a hatchet is not the right tool for dismembering a body.

Bomb_Voyage: Not that I’ve given it a lot of thought, mind you.

Bomberella: They couldn’t afford extras but they could afford creepy realistic sound effects.

Bomberella: Eep.

Bomberella: I’m liking Aquaman’s chances better now.

Boss Nassty: a lot of spinal cord came with that head

Bomb_Voyage: FINISH HER!

Bomb_Voyage: FATALITY!

Bomberella: Ewwww.

Boss Nassty: just gonna say that

Bomb_Voyage: Seriously, who watched Mortal Kombat after Big Ass Spider last week?

Boss Nassty: so he knows there are intruders there, yet still doing his whole “feed the monster” routine

Bomb_Voyage: <– This guy, that's who.

Boss Nassty: the techno song from that movie is pretty great

Bomberella: Anyone who’s ever owned a farm knows the animals break for no one.

Bomb_Voyage: @Boss Nassty It’s the best.

Bomberella: I also love the techno song from that movie.

Bomberella: But I waited to watch it so we could do it here.

Bomb_Voyage: @Boss Nassty It is also stuck in my head now. Dun dun dun dun DUN DUN … MORTAL KOMBAT!!!

Boss Nassty: kano

Boss Nassty: luke cage

Bomb_Voyage: LOL

Boss Nassty: me too. that would be a good movie to do on this

Bomb_Voyage: Johnny Cage, man.

Bomb_Voyage: Liu Kang

Bomb_Voyage: But good try.

Bomberella: It WILL be a good movie to do on here.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh now he hears the mermaid.

Boss Nassty: damn it

Bomberella: Wait, why is the mermaid down a well? And how is the well connected to where she was when she killed Alex?

Bomb_Voyage: Andi, is that you? What are you doing at the bottom of a well?

Bomberella: And why are only the men suceptible to her song?


Boss Nassty: succubus

Bomberella: “My name is Ariel. I’ve told you a thousand times.”

Bomb_Voyage: Sirens only work on men.

Bomb_Voyage: They’re cis-sirens.

Bomberella: These poor unfortunate souls. In pain. In need.

Bomberella: This one wanting to be thinner, that one wants to get the girl, and do I help them? Yes indeed.

Bomb_Voyage: I’m starting to crack myself up now.

Bomb_Voyage: MERMAID!

Bomb_Voyage: Finally!

Bomberella: Cis-sirens is pretty good. Is that like su-su-sudio?

Boss Nassty: so this is what would have happened to ariel if she didn’t get married

Bomberella: Oh come on! That woman doesn’t eat anything.

Bomb_Voyage: She looks like Liv Tyler.

Bomberella: Let alone a whole person.

Boss Nassty: fucking grappling hook

Bomberella: Right in the shoulder

Bomb_Voyage: Sea dog is really dedicated to his job.

Bomberella: Oh I get it. Grappling.

Boss Nassty: she is pretty for a pale human eating mermaid

Boss Nassty: nevermind

Bomb_Voyage: Word.

Bomberella: “Alex? Now I can’t fight over you. Waaaaah.”

Bomberella: For real, if that mermaid ate, like, two people every day, there’s no way she’d be that thin.

Bomberella: “Yes, Kelly, shine the light over here. Fish are definitely not attracted to light.”

Bomb_Voyage: She’s got amazing metabolism.

Boss Nassty: aquaman. boss.

Bomb_Voyage: Seriously, are we going to find out why he’s feeding the “mermaid”?

Bomb_Voyage: That is literally the only thing I want to know.

Bomberella: I wonder if Aquaman’ll tie a tourniquet around his shoulder and his hand.

Bomberella: Dad! Dad! I’m going to awkwardly embrace you because I can’t dance because tail.

Boss Nassty: she questioned the mourning for a bit

Bomb_Voyage: All I wanted to do was dance awkwardly in a living room!

Bomberella: Oh wait, I’m not dead.

Bomberella: Did Lucy really die? Sad!

Boss Nassty: he’s running out of shirt

Bomb_Voyage: Screaming wakes people up every time. Worked in the Avengers.

Boss Nassty: gotta stop getting hurt

Bomb_Voyage: We need more tourniquets, stat!

Bomberella: @Boss: so true.

Bomberella: He’ll probably ask for hers.

Bomberella: Awkward.

Bomberella: “Um, sorry, bro. I don’t have anything on underneath…so…”

Bomberella: “This would be so much faster if I could swim.”

Boss Nassty: can we get her a wheelchair or are they seriously going to go after them at that speed

Bomb_Voyage: I’ll be honest, the mermaid doesn’t seem like much of a threat on dry land.

Bomb_Voyage: I could outrun her walking on my hands.

Bomberella: And yet, she and the sea dog’ll probably catch up to them. Why is it that monsters always catch up while walking.

Bomb_Voyage: *I cannot walk on my hands.

Bomberella: I can. I just step on my feet.

Bomb_Voyage: Hurr.

Bomberella: I mean, hands.

Boss Nassty: it’s a labyrinth. of course they’ll get caught

Boss Nassty: was it that heavy?

Bomberella: “I would have been able to turn it into the world’s worst theme park, too, if it wasn’t for these darn kids.””

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, it’s a minotaur in the labyrinth, not a mermaid.

Bomb_Voyage: Honestly, creepy sea dog, a grappling hook is a weird fucking weapon.

Boss Nassty: “try the handle”

Bomberella: No it’s a sea dog in the labyrinth with the grappling hook.

Bomb_Voyage: There are literally thousands of better options for killing people you intend to feed to a mermaid.

Bomberella: “Oh great. Now the batterie’s dying. I think you got it wet.”

Boss Nassty: he’s gotta hate that light shining in his eyes though

Bomb_Voyage: If he was nearly dead a minute ago, I’m having a hard time understanding how he’s going to me much of a threat in a fight.

Boss Nassty: “sir, that was our only source of light for the time being”

Bomb_Voyage: “I will explain everything later.” —NicoFucking finally.

Bomberella: “I’ll explain everything.”

Bomb_Voyage: Oh, now they’re on the water. Where the mermaid can get them.

Bomberella: I was really hoping they’d make the flashlight go strobe and start a dance party.

Boss Nassty: “look, that’s great, can we wait until we get on the land or…”

Bomberella: “Now is not a great time for ‘I told you so.’ K?”

Bomberella: Uranum Scopoli. I’ve heard of that before.

Bomberella: Really?

Bomberella: “You’re a myth.”


Bomb_Voyage: Sirenum scopoli is not Greek, FYI, sea dog.

Bomb_Voyage: It’s Latin, dumbass.

Bomberella: Okay, Sirenum scopuli. Totally wrong. I was thinking something else.

Bomberella: Latin, Yugoslavian…it’s all Greek to him.

Bomberella: That man was my boyfriend. Until she got to him.

Bomb_Voyage: Trivia: Greeks say “It’s all Chinese to me.”

Boss Nassty: and that’s why you always leave a note

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, his daughter was the one who took her shirt off like 30 seconds into the movie?

Bomberella: And that’s why you always wear a sea shell bra.

Bomberella: Or coconut bikini.

Bomberella: “Count yourself lucky that you’re a woman.” Well, there’s a first time for everything.

Bomberella: Uh-oh, storm’s rolling in.

Boss Nassty: the mermaid is going to jump on that guy like Jason in the first Friday the 13th

Bomberella: Yesssssssssssss

Bomberella: But he’s going to shoot her like Ahab.

Bomb_Voyage: Get out of the boat you stupid dumbasses.

Bomberella: She’s got a nasty right hook.

Boss Nassty: you’re so close….

Bomb_Voyage: Seriously what is wrong with you?

Bomberella: And some terrible teeth.

Bomberella: “We’re going to need a bigger boat.”

Boss Nassty: “Call the dentist! He’ll be ecstatic!”

Bomberella: Do you think they’ll mount her on the wall?

Bomberella: Next to Billy Bass?

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, Kelly has never been in the water before but she knows how to swim?

Bomb_Voyage: I call bullshit.

Bomb_Voyage: NOT BOB!

Bomberella: “I don’t know how to swim and I’m afraid of the water. I am probably the worst person to have pull us to shore.”

Boss Nassty: “Jack! Jack!”

Bomberella: Noooooooooooooooooo!

Bomberella: That was a sad little wave.

Bomb_Voyage: Actually what is that guy’s name? I’ve been calling him Bob but I don’t think that’s right.

Bomberella: It is Bob. It’s short for something.

Bomb_Voyage: No Kelly, nobody can help you. They couldn’t afford any extras.

Bomberella: But he told us to call him Bob.

Bomberella: Whoa, that was an amazing flying stab!

Bomberella: “That’s for my brother who drowned several years ago whose death I never got over, thus causing my fear of water.”

Boss Nassty: now just walk ten feet away from the water

Boss Nassty: oh

Boss Nassty: “ah, this hole infested fishing line should do the trick”

Bomberella: Oh, a net. Why didn’t we think of that earlier?’

Bomberella: I’m pretty sure Taylor Swift has a music video like that.

Bomberella: Less naked, though.

Bomb_Voyage: Don’t let the monster get back in the water, you dummies.

Boss Nassty: it’s made from the same plastic net that oranges come in…that children tear apart…

Bomberella: But but…I’m mesmer-ized by her butt.

Bomb_Voyage: Doesn’t anyone have earplugs!?!

Boss Nassty: such a wiener spear….

Bomberella: No, it makes it hard with the spear-fishing.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh, and it ends with a Moby Dick line.

Boss Nassty: take pictures. no one will believe you

Bomb_Voyage: “From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee.”

Bomberella: “Yeah Yeah Yeah, just stab her already before she gets away or starts singing.”

Boss Nassty: the heart of the ocean

Bomberella: “I know we were in a stressful life-or-death situation, but I happened to grab your daughter’s locket.”

Bomberella: “I was going to keep it, but then you saved us, so I thought you might want it back.”

Bomb_Voyage: Other sea dog and his grappling hook are totally not cool with this turn of events.

Bomberella: Killer Mermaid II: Sea Dog v. Sea Dog

Bomb_Voyage: Clash of the Sea Dogs

Boss Nassty: tell….sebastion….

Bomberella: Killer Mermaid II: The Grappling

Bomberella: Killer Mermaid II: Sebastian’s Revenge

Bomberella: Killer Mermaid II: Siren’s Song

Boss Nassty: you fools.

Bomberella: Of course. Ariel had a ton of sisters.

Bomb_Voyage: A school of sirens?

Bomberella: Killer Mermaid II: School of Sirens

Boss Nassty: bring in that giant crocodile dinosaur from Jurassic World.

Bomb_Voyage: Or last week’s movie.

Bomberella: Whoa, they totally left it open for a sequel.

Bomb_Voyage: Wishful thinking.

Bomb_Voyage: 2 stars?

Bomb_Voyage: I don’t think I can give it 3.

Bomberella: Yeah, I’d give it 2. Maybe 2.5.

Bomberella: It took too long to get to the mermaid and the backstory.

Bomb_Voyage: So slooow.

Bomberella: And the backstory was weak.

Bomberella: Not enough extras.

Bomb_Voyage: Zero extras.

Bomberella: But it did pass the Bechdel test.

Bomb_Voyage: True!

Boss Nassty: had the sea dog used the grappling hook to scale a wall, 3 stars

Bomb_Voyage: First one in a while.

Bomberella: @Boss: so true. So you’re giving it 2?

Bomb_Voyage: Had anyone used a tool for its proper purpose, I would go for 3 stars.

Boss Nassty: 2

Bomberella: Word.

Bomb_Voyage: 2 then. Agreed.

Bomb_Voyage: What’s up next, @Bomberella?

Bomberella: Thanks for joining us, @Boss!

Bomberella: Thanks for joining us, @Boss!

Bomb_Voyage: Dun dun dun dun DUN DUN MORTAL KOMBAAAT!

Boss Nassty: YUP!

Bomb_Voyage: ???

Bomberella: Thanks for joining us, @Boss!

Bomberella: Thanks for joining us, @Boss!

Boss Nassty: i would like mortal kombat too

Bomb_Voyage: Or is it still monster month?

Bomberella: Why did that post like ten times

Bomb_Voyage: Maybe Goro counts?

Bomberella: ?

Boss Nassty: I don’t know

Boss Nassty: thought you were just telling me to leave

Bomberella: I think we can make it work for the summer of monsters.

Bomberella: No, I wasn’t telling you to leave.

Bomberella: Just having posting issues.

Bomb_Voyage: Otherwise I’ve always wanted to watch Mega Shark v. Mech Shark or whatever.

Boss Nassty: i wish commando was on netflix. that would be great to do

Bomberella: Next week is Sharknado, then Mega Shark v. Mecha Shark.

Bomberella: It’s Shark Month in July, so the next four are shark related.

Bomberella: But Commando would be good.

Bomb_Voyage: Sweet.

Bomb_Voyage: Can’t wait for SHARK MOVIES!

Bomberella: And we can have Mortal Kombat be the first week of August.

Boss Nassty: Awesome. Alright, well I’m off to play batman. Later team

Bomberella: Please join us again! Next up, Sharknado!

The post Cinéma Atroce: Killer Mermaid appeared first on Bitter Empire.