The Discovery Channel‘s “Shark Week” may have just ended, but that won’t prevent us from celebrating eviscerating Shark Week here at Cinéma Atroce. A wealthy sadist kidnaps eight strangers as an act of revenge over the death of his son and forces them to traverse an island covered with shark obstacles (sharkstacles?). April at the website Save Horror called it “a mess of shoddy graphics, stilted dialogue and forced acting.” Her favorite part of the movie was the credits. Ouch! Let’s hope your favorite part of the movie is the live-chat. Please join in the commentary!

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Shark Week on Netflix, and pull up the livechat starting at 9pm CDT.

Jump right down to the livechat.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Host Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-chat at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail

What would Shark Week be without a little blood in the water?

Blood in the Water

2 parts citrus vodka (or vodka shaken with lemon peel)
2 parts club soda
1 part fresh grapefruit juice
splash of grenadine
Serve in a martini glass.

Tonight’s Livechat

Bomberella: Hey guy! I’ve got my Blood in the Water and I’m getting ready for Shark Week.

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage, are you drinking an Old Fashioned? An Old Fashioned Feeding Frenzy?

Bomb_Voyage: I like your style.

Bomb_Voyage: Just wine tonight, though.

Bomb_Voyage: Blood-red wine.

Bomberella: Ooooh, classy.

Bomberella: This Blood in the Water is a little citrus-y for my taste.

Bomberella: I don’t think I mixed it very well.

Bomberella: Okay everyone ready?

Bomb_Voyage: Ready!

Bomberella: Push Play!

Bomberella: I feel like the Asylum has produced several of our movies.

Bomb_Voyage: I was just wondering if this was our first Asylum movie.

Bomb_Voyage: “Tie-burahn” is absolutely not right.

Bomberella: Yeah. It’s “Tee-bur-ohn.” Duh.

Bomberella: Also, The Asylum produced Sharknado AND the Mega Shark series.

Bomb_Voyage: Look, if you’ve got 15 seconds to get a key from the bottom of a shark tank, you don’t stand around wasting time on denial.

Bomb_Voyage: Especially when you’re bleeding.

Bomb_Voyage: Also, just a suggestion. Grab the key and get out of the water before you screw around trying to undo the lock.

Bomberella: I feel like that was unfair. He got out of the chain…

Bomberella: Talk about blood in the water…

Bomberella: But yeah, standing up with the chain is about the last thing I’d do. Jump out of the water, dude.

Bomberella: I love this long sequence with this poor loner looking angsty at the bar.

Bomberella: “Oh hey, stranger…”

Bomberella: What is with these weird slo-mo sequences?

Bomberella: Was that the fakest looking syringe you’ve ever seen?

Bomb_Voyage: If you can’t film a convincing action sequence, I guess you’ve got to speed it up, slow it down, or some combination of the two.

Bomberella: And add lots of cloudy red water.

Bomb_Voyage: I mean, who hasn’t woken up drunk in a bathtub?

Bomberella: This girl.

Bomberella: Why did they wake that guy up to syringe him?

Bomb_Voyage: I’m trying to remember if I ever have, actually. I bet I have and just don’t remember. Because of the drunk part.

Bomberella: I know I haven’t. Because responsible.

Bomberella: I love that half of these people have been on the phone when they’ve been kidnapped. Actually, that’s pretty accurate.

Bomberella: Okay, this drink is growing on me.

Bomb_Voyage: Shark Week: the Syringeing

Bomberella: Hahaha, yes!

Bomberella: Shark Week: The Drugging.

Bomb_Voyage: Those are some nicely pressed black kidnapping hoods.

Bomb_Voyage: Do you think they’re homemade, or can you order black bags from Amazon?

Bomberella: The costume department got a deal.

Bomberella: They have a Prime account.

Bomb_Voyage: Do we know what all these people did, yet? Or why Tiburon’s accent keeps changing?

Bomberella: No. But he just said “Revenge is like a fine wine. If you have it, why not linger over it.”

Bomberella: Also, I love the way he said “evil-oution.”

Bomberella: He might be crazy, but Yancy Butler has crazy eyes.

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, so what do you do with cheap box wine?

Bomb_Voyage: Gulp it?

Bomberella: Yep. I like to slurp it through a straw.

Bomberella: Are you drinking cheap box wine?

Bomb_Voyage: I don’t think those teeny sharks could actually do any damage to anyone.

Bomberella: Only their acting careers.

Bomberella: Oh snap!

Bomb_Voyage: I’m all about the box wine.

Bomberella: Actually, we have to give them props because it is really hard to act with nothing.

Bomberella: “Oh sorry, guys, I dropped the key.”

Bomb_Voyage: I bed the girl that woke up in the bathtub has a wicked hangover now.

Bomberella: For reals.

Bomb_Voyage: BTW I think we passed the Bechdel test already with the wicked lady talking to the kidnapped women.

Bomberella: I’m amazed he let them rest until morning.

Bomberella: But yeah, I think you’re right.

Bomberella: Uh-oh, Sweet Tiboo has some marital discord going on.

Bomberella: Okay, really, that woman couldn’t slip out of her chains??

Bomberella: They’re hangingoff her wrists.

Bomberella: They’re just trying the key NOW??
WTH have they been doing all night?

Bomb_Voyage: I don’t think much of their decision making so far.

Bomberella: I love that we’ve gotten to the “Learning things about the movie through the dialogue of the characters” part of the movie.

Bomberella: Oh yeah, kidnap and ransom insurance. I think my State Farm agent mentioned that.

Bomberella: But then he saw my bank account info and laughed and laughed.

Bomberella: I love grenadine.

Bomb_Voyage: Is there really kidnap and ransom insurance?

Bomb_Voyage: Apparently so: https://en.wikipedia.org/wi…

Bomberella: Yes

Bomberella: http://www.aig.com/Kidnap-R…

Bomb_Voyage: Doesn’t seem to include armed rescuers, however.

Bomberella: They can’t go into all the details.

Bomberella: Because legality.

Bomberella: It’s on page 23 line 7 of article 14 subsection D.

Bomb_Voyage: I’ve never understood why you would wrap chains around someone’s wrist instead of just using handcuffs.

Bomb_Voyage: I mean apart from the dramatic effect.

Bomberella: Weight?

Bomberella: Maybe you want to bulk them up?

Bomberella: 2/3 of that guy’s lines are “should’ve known.”

Bomberella: He’s not that much of a madman if he’s making them sandwiches and leaving them first aid kits.

Bomb_Voyage: Or a weird madman.

Bomberella: Also, what’s with the pearl necklace?

Bomb_Voyage: She’s a judge. That’s how judges dress, obviously.

Bomberella: That he’s twirling? Not hers. The madman’s.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh.

Bomb_Voyage: Voting the EMT is the worst actor in this movie.

Bomberella: IDK, those sharks suck.

Bomberella: The EMT is pretty bad, though.

Bomberella: Where are these cameras, btw?

Bomberella: Hey, Sweet Tiboo is drinking port.

Bomb_Voyage: Because nothing says evil like teeny cordial glasses.

Bomberella: Word.

Bomberella: There’s an awful lot of land here, for a shark movie.

Bomb_Voyage: Why do they keep disappearing from the path?

Bomb_Voyage: I thought this was a shark movie not a ghost movie.

Bomberella: There is a movie called Ghost Shark that we should watch. It looks epicly terrible.

Bomberella: https://www.youtube.com/wat…

Bomberella: Not produced by The Asylum.

Bomberella: Why do they keep carrying their chains?

Bomb_Voyage: Hammerhead!

Bomberella: This is like The Goonies meets A Christmas Carol meets The Island of Dr. Moreau meets that movie where there’s a madman and he’s crazy

Bomb_Voyage: They’re carrying their chains because they are going to go all MacGyver at some point. This scene, apparently.

Bomb_Voyage: OH NO HE HAS A SHARK BUTTON!

Bomberella: ON AN OLD TAPE RECORDER!

Bomberella: AND IT RELEASES BLOOD INTO THE WATER!

Bomb_Voyage: Maybe they’re hearing scary music too.

Bomberella: Why are they all looking in the same direction? No one’s spotting that fin?

Bomb_Voyage: It’s a stealth shark.

Bomberella: Hit it with the chain!

Bomberella: I’m fairly certain the don’t growl like that.

Bomb_Voyage: They need to go back to straining-to-pull-a-chain acting school.

Bomberella: Scene work is hard.

Bomb_Voyage: Now they sit down to a friendly lunch of shark sandwiches.

Bomberella: Shark fin soup.

Bomberella: I know we’re supposed to be rooting for them, but I was kind of hoping they’d show that video game-like graphic of the EMT with a skull to indicate he’d died.

Bomberella: Oh, there it is.

Bomberella: Yancy Butler, he’s not interested. Stop trying so hard.

Bomberella: “Don’t worry guys, I’m just gathering coconuts.”

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, who’s the next-worst actor? That’ll be the next one to go.

Bomberella: The K and R guy.

Bomberella: but I’m guessing he’ll be one of the last.

Bomberella: I think it’s one of the ladies’ turns.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh probably. I’m guessing the woke-up-in-a-bathtub woman.

Bomberella: But we don’t know how she’s connected to Tibby-boo’s son’s death.

Bomberella: I think we’ll find that out before she dies.

Bomberella: Seriously, where is the hidden camera he keeps watching through?

Bomberella: And why don’t they see it moving around?

Bomb_Voyage: He has magic.

Bomberella: “Touching them in that spot puts them to sleep.” hey-yo!

Bomb_Voyage: Sounds like shark abuse.

Bomberella: Oh good, Layla has a plan.

Bomberella: And it’s suicid.

Bomberella: *suicide

Bomberella: 46 minutes in, 40 of it on land in a giant wheat field discussing strategy.

Bomberella: I’m confused as to what just happened. He stabbed the shark and then…took its magic beans?

Bomberella: Oh, they’re teeth.

Bomb_Voyage: Magic beans isn’t far off though.

Bomberella: Again with the madman holding the pearl necklace. Do you have a ZZ Top thing, Tib-boring?

Bomberella: Also, we definitely passed the Bechdel test when the judge told Layla she shouldn’t kill herself. So, win!

Bomb_Voyage: Crocodile Dundee had? Check.

Bomb_Voyage: Cuban cigar? Check.

Bomb_Voyage: Vial of drugs? Check.

Bomb_Voyage: Ascot? Check.

Bomb_Voyage: Crazy dude who can’t pronounce his own name? Check.

Bomberella: “I’ve been looking all over for you, which is weird since you’re right where I left you sitting in front of the screen, creepily watching your revenge fantasy play out.”

Bomberella: I think it was a vial of blood.

Bomb_Voyage: I see some problems with those spears.

Bomberella: You think they’re too small. *turns to K&R guy–I told you they were too small.

Bomberella: Stupid Hammerhead teeth.

Bomberella: This is the slowest shark movie ev-ar.

Bomb_Voyage: No, wannabe pirate! You bite the blade of the knife, not the handle.

Bomb_Voyage: Well that was an awkward transition to CGI.

Bomberella: That shark doesn’t look that big, actually.

Bomb_Voyage: Not at all.

Bomb_Voyage: Their spears are twigs, though.

Bomberella: Yes, throw your spears from really far away. That’s a good plan.

Bomberella: Don’t get closer and try to stab it repeatedly.

Bomberella: I can’t tell where the shark is biting the judge.

Bomb_Voyage: No way. Don’t do something that might work.

Bomb_Voyage: In the face.

Bomb_Voyage: Apparently.

Bomberella: Seriously, Yancy. Crazy eyes.

Bomb_Voyage: Why did the judge jump in, now? Just to get eaten?

Bomberella: Yep.

Bomb_Voyage: IT’S MYYY TUUUUURN!!!

Bomberella: But Layla being suicidal was wrong.

Bomberella: “No Layla, we haven’t delved into your backstory yet.”

Bomberella: This guy’s a madman with infinite wealth and he doesn’t have A/C?!

Bomberella: What’s up with that ceiling fan?

Bomb_Voyage: The Asylum has never made a movie that didn’t turn a profit.

Bomberella: Reagan: “I’m so glad I wore my see-through grey tank top with the neon yellow bra.”

Bomberella: A boat! A boat!

Bomberella: Why are the women barefoot but the men have shoes? #sexism

Bomberella: Seriously WHAT IS WITH THAT PEARL NECKLACE??

Bomb_Voyage: They did get the details at least. Tiburon even has creepy fingernails.

Bomberella: True.

Bomberella: I don’t think mines are an appropriate part of the sharkstacle course.

Bomberella: They just keep showing the same mine.

Bomb_Voyage: Here are a dozen shots of them stepping near the same mine.

Bomb_Voyage: Do mines really not go off until you take your foot off the button?

Bomberella: Yes, run through a mine field.

Bomberella: Brilliant.

Bomb_Voyage: I think they’re just using that special-effects iPhone app to make the explosions.

Bomberella: I love how he grabbed one like a frisbee at the end.

Bomb_Voyage: This one: https://itunes.apple.com/us…

Bomberella: He kind of looks like K-Fed. And the prior Tibby-boo security guard looks like a jacked up David Arquette.

Bomb_Voyage: He really does look like David Arquette.

Bomberella: This is a pretty location at least. Even if they are only using the same five spots: the beach, that other beach, the field, Tibby’s house, and the cave.

Bomberella: It was filmed in the Bahamas.

Bomberella: The actor who plays Tiberon: “Here’s how I’m going to play it–I’m always going to have a cigar and a pearl necklace in my hand, so they know I’m rich and can appreciate the finer things.”

Bomb_Voyage: Also my accent will change every two seconds.

Bomberella: Oh, creepy, that’s where he’s from. He’s the guy from Sleeping with the Enemy.

Bomberella: https://www.google.com/sear…

Bomberella: I bet Layla didn’t really die.

Bomb_Voyage: I’m still trying to figure out what their plan was with the mine. Was she going to touch the mine to the shark’s nose or something?

Bomb_Voyage: And then what? Get blown up?

Bomb_Voyage: I guess that went rather well.

Bomb_Voyage: So who survives? I’m guessing Reagan and either the David Arquette guy or the cop.

Bomb_Voyage: But the cop probably dies a heroic death sacrificing himself for the greater good.

Bomb_Voyage: Probably for the bad guy who he decides is alright after all.

Bomberella: I think they were hoping the shark would bite the mine (but not her arm? she had no bite marks from the shark…) and then get blown up a la the scene from Jaws.

Bomberella: And I think you’re right about the cop.

Bomberella: I say Reagan wins.

Bomberella: She’s kind of the least capable/involved, so that would be fitting.

Bomberella: The cop’s literally punching the water.

Bomb_Voyage: Plus she’s the reporter, so she can tell everyone about this.

Bomb_Voyage: FUCK YOU WATER.

Bomberella: I think that’s what Tiberboom is hoping.

Bomb_Voyage: I hate you and your two hydrogen atoms.

Bomberella: I want your oxygen!

Bomberella: That was a dick move, K&R man.

Bomberella: Instant K&Rma.

Bomb_Voyage: K&R man tries to sacrifice Reagan, gets his head eaten.

Bomb_Voyage: Satisfying.

Bomberella: No, Yancy, it’s you mess with the bull, you get the bull shark.

Bomberella: C’mon.

Bomberella: Cop and Reagan strike up a love affair.

Bomb_Voyage: You and she could do this all day.

Bomberella: We could. We really could.

Bomberella: “Don’t worry, Reagan, I’m going to sacrifice myself in a totally heroic but stupid way because you’ll be doing something ridiculous and then you’ll live and be carrying our love child.”

Bomb_Voyage: Oh you just had to add some romance.

Bomberella: And harmonica!

Bomb_Voyage: What.

Bomberella: That’s what this movie was missing.

Bomberella: That was gratuitous.

Bomberella: The harmonica, I mean.

Bomberella: Great white!

Bomb_Voyage: Nothing says crazy like a harmonica.

Bomberella: Great white!

Bomberella: Great white!

Bomb_Voyage: Why are they going along with this again?

Bomberella: No idea.

Bomberella: I feel they have to?

Bomberella: They feel they have to?

Bomb_Voyage: Apparently.

Bomberella: There’s a prize if they win?

Bomberella: And by prize, I mean pearl necklace.

Bomberella: (I figured it out.)

Bomb_Voyage: So that’s what it’s for.

Bomberella: I feel like that suggests Reagan will win.

Bomb_Voyage: He looks in no way like he is actually rowing that raft.

Bomberella: What does a hardened cop want with a pear necklace.

Bomberella: *pearl necklace.

Bomberella: Again, scene work is hard.

Bomb_Voyage: A pear necklace would be far more crazy.

Bomb_Voyage: Missed opportunity.

Bomberella: But more useful.

Bomberella: “I want a snack…I’ll just take a bite of my pear necklace.”

Bomberella: Like those candy chokers. But healthy.

Bomberella: She’s not rowing either.

Bomberella: Reagan, you dummy! Row row row that boat!

Bomberella: Otherwise, Cal’s effort is meaningless.

Bomb_Voyage: Nope.

Bomb_Voyage: Now the shark eats the raft.

Bomb_Voyage: So predictable.

Bomberella: Also, I know you just fought a shark and all, but I’m goign to make you row.

Bomberella: Reagan…Reagan…Reagan was president when I was born…

Bomb_Voyage: Did Tiburon mean for anyone to survive?

Bomb_Voyage: I wasn’t clear on the plan.

Bomberella: I don’t think so.

Bomberella: Well, we know Yancy didn’t.

Bomb_Voyage: Yancy is fierce. Don’t fuck with Yancy.

Bomberella: Yancy, I’m sorry I said you had crazy eyes.

Bomberella: Don’t kill me.

Bomberella: That spear landed fortuitously close.

Bomberella: Please, call me Ron.

Bomb_Voyage: Maybe now we’ll learn about the pearl necklace.

Bomberella: Why do the crazies always go to Key West.

Bomberella: Just have some lime pie and adopt a couple cats.

Bomb_Voyage: And there’s the scream.

Bomb_Voyage: Why not.

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, can you really get away with murder just because you’re in international waters?

Bomberella: Doubtful.

Bomb_Voyage: Well that was pretty meh.

Bomb_Voyage: It just moved way too slowly.

Bomberella: And had terrible graphics.

Bomberella: The acting sucked.

Bomberella: And I’m disappointed that we never learned about the pearl necklace.

Bomb_Voyage: Also, no: https://www.quora.com/If-so…

Bomb_Voyage: 2 stars from me.

Bomb_Voyage: And I feel like I’m being generous.

Bomberella: Yeah. I want to go 1.

Bomberella: But it passed the Bechdel test.

Bomberella: And Yancy and I had our moments.

Bomberella: So 2 from me. But a soft 2.

Bomberella: And there’s universal jurisdiction in international waters. I feel like all pirate movies lied to me.

Bomberella: Well that was pretty terrible.

Bomberella: Hopefully next week’s movie isn’t as slow. It’s another Asylum joint though.

Bomb_Voyage: Next week!

Bomberella: Please tune in next Tuesday when we’ll be watching Mega Shark v. Mecha Shark!

The post Cinéma Atroce: Shark Week appeared first on Bitter Empire.

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