Land Shark

Shark Month in our Summer of Monsters has begun! We couldn’t think of a better movie to start with than Sharknado. It’s a tornado of sharks (a shartex? That sounds bad…) starring A-listers of yesteryear, Tara Reid and Ian Ziering. We’re a little confused as to why it’s a tornado and not a hurricane (sharkicane?), but we shouldn’t be surprised that the science is a little iffy. According to Wikipedia, “Sharknado is a made-for-television disaster.” Oh, wait, that said “disaster film.” Whoops. It’s about “a waterspout that lifts sharks out of the ocean and deposits them in Los Angeles.” That sounds so genteel. And British. Tonight’s viewing is an open chat, so please join in the commentary.

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Sharknado on Netflix, and pull up the livechat starting at 9pm CDT. And please join in!

Jump right down to the livechat.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Host Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-chat at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail

Speaking of old jokes (ahem, Tara Reid), remember that classic SNL bit, the Land Shark? Well, Land Shark is tonight’s cocktail.

Land Shark
1 1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. peach schnapps (or Southern Comfort)
1/2 oz. strawberry puree
1/2 oz. lime juice
1 oz. orange juice
Fill a highball glass and a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour the ingredients into the shaker and shake until well mixed. Strain into highball glass and Don’t open the door!

Tonight’s Livechat

Bomberella: Okay, the chat’s live, so please join in!

Bomberella: I feel like we’re going to be re-living the 90s tonight with both Tara Reid and Ian Ziering.

Bomberella: And I’m going to a Toad the Wet Sprocket concert tomorrow night, so…

Bomberella: This cocktail is delicious, btw.

Bomb_Voyage: BRB. Making my cocktail. I’m calling it a Sharktini.

Bomberella: The Land Shark kind of reminds me of a mai-tai.

Bomberella: Next week’s will be called “Blood in the Water” and the week after that we’ve got a “Bitter Bite.” For obvious reasons.

Gary Medel: Yo! We’re starting at 9:05, right?

Bomberella: Word. You have time to make a cocktail.

Gary Medel: (Central Standard Time, that is.)

Bomberella: Yes!

Bomb_Voyage: Okay, I’m ready.

Bomberella: I’m seriously excited for the special effects.

Bomb_Voyage: Here is what I have not learned from years of drinking: when you think you’re at the end of the bottle so you’ll just dump the rest into the drink, you are always wrong.

Bomb_Voyage: There’s like three shots left.

Bomb_Voyage: And now you’ve made the World’s Strongest Cocktail.

Bomberella: Ha! Good thing you work from home.

Bomberella: But yes, that is true.

Bomb_Voyage: Strictly speaking I don’t think this counts as “work.”

Gary Medel: Dare I say… the World’s Strongest Cocknado?

Bomberella: Cocknado sounds really dirty.

Gary Medel: I think that might’ve been the XXX parody of “Sharknado.”

Bomb_Voyage: Don’t Google it.

Bomberella: But oh, man, I hope they make a movie about that!

Bomb_Voyage: I mean do Google it, but totally NSFW.

Bomberella: I’m definitely not going to Google ie.

Bomberella: *it.

Gary Medel: Whoa, how did you do italics?

Bomb_Voyage: The first image result may or may not be an actual tornado of cocks.

Bomb_Voyage: (It is.)

Bomberella: Underlinewordunderline

Bomberella: And ewwwwwww

Bomberella: Okay, kiddos, should we start the movie?

Gary Medel: Fancy.

Bomb_Voyage: Formatting guide for tlk.io n00bs towards the end of this page: https://tlk.io/

Bomberella: Push play…NOW!

Gary Medel: Mmm k thx

Bomb_Voyage: Unlike some movies, we’re just going to get the sharknado right off the bat. THANK YOU SyFy!

Bomberella: First scene is a tornado of sharks…not sure how that’s relevent.

Gary Medel: Wait, the opening scene is the Sharknado? Way to build up the suspense, Spielberg.

Bomb_Voyage: I’m looking at you, Killer Mermaid!

Gary Medel: (Just IMDB-ed it… Spielberg did not direct.)

Bomb_Voyage: The captain looks familiar.

Bomberella: Ugh, Killer Mermaid was just completely false advertising. And I’m kind of shocked Spielberg didn’t sign on.

Bomberella: it’s his spiel, if you will.

Bomberella: Maybe the captain is your dad.

Gary Medel: http://instantrimshot.com/c…

Bomberella: Actually, he kind of looks like Goran from EF.

Bomb_Voyage: I just checked and the captain is not my dad.

Bomberella: I mean, ER

Bomb_Voyage: Oh yeah, that’s totally who he looks like.

Gary Medel: Textbook negotiation move: Breaking out the firearm.

Bomberella: So we’re on a shark fin boat, there’s some shady dealings, and a north wind is heading right for us.

Bomberella: Breaking out the firearm is how I got my last car.

Bomb_Voyage: How did the buyer get onto the boat?

Bomberella: J/K I bought it legit.

Gary Medel: Having never seen this movie, I’m going to guess the guy who says “the sharks need to be afraid of us” is going to die.

Bomb_Voyage: And where did he go now?

Bomberella: @Bomb Voyage I think he rode on a Killer Mermaid.

Bomberella: First Shark Kill: 4:11.

Bomb_Voyage: Where the fuck is he planning to go?

Bomb_Voyage: The boat is like 20 feet long.

Bomberella: He has a pistol guys, he’ll be fine

Bomb_Voyage: I am confused. What the hell just happened?

Bomb_Voyage: YOU GOD SHARKNADO’D!

Bomb_Voyage: Sharknadoed?

Gary Medel: Nice pan down to his bloody knee… y’all know the sharks be smellin’ dat!

Bomberella: Oh yikes! That captain’s face came off like that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella Did you check to see if this passes the Bechdel Test?

Bomb_Voyage: I only ask because the frequency of close shots of butts would suggest not.

Gary Medel: I suppose it depends how many female characters are in this movie.

Bomberella: I did not check. I’m not sure if I’m hoping it does or not.

Bomberella: But it’s gotten creepy already.

Bomberella: John Heard: why?

Gary Medel: This movie has just ruined “Home Alone” for me.

Bomb_Voyage: I think I just figured it out: the scar on her leg is from a shark.

Bomberella: I’m so sorry, @Gary.

Gary Medel: Peter McCallister: Not only a shitty dad, but a perv too.

Bomberella: I mean, are you surprised?

Bomberella: He did leave Kevin home alone

Gary Medel: TWICE!

Bomberella: Seriously.

Bomb_Voyage: There are literally zero waves out there for them to catch.

Bomb_Voyage: And now it’s a totally different day and those are stunt doubles.

Bomb_Voyage: Who are surfing on practically nothing.

Bomb_Voyage: I like the shark cam.

Bomberella: Love the shark cam.

Gary Medel: SharkCam

Bomberella: I love when it gets wet, like a real GoPro

Bomb_Voyage: It’s almost like they’re just using a GoPro, in fact!

Gary Medel: You don’t think this was filmed on Red?

Bomb_Voyage: “Get out of the water!” shouts the guy in the water who seems to be making no effort to get out of the water.

Bomb_Voyage: No wonder they aren’t taking him seriously.

Bomb_Voyage: He just wants the beach to himself!

Bomb_Voyage: Jerk.

Bomberella: I feel like that’s an awfully shallow shark attack!

Gary Medel: I feel like there aren’t enough gratuitous ass shots in this film.

Bomb_Voyage: They’re very flat sharks.

Bomberella: I feel like there are too many gratuitous ass shots in this film.

Bomberella: Yikes, Jet Ski death!

Gary Medel: Knocking that guy off the stairs seemed a bit rude.

Bomberella: I love how everyone is running in different directions.

Bomberella: Is this really the time to nit-pick over an accent, Ian? Really?

Bomb_Voyage: “Sharks don’t like Vegemite.”

Bomb_Voyage: Nobody does, Ian Ziering.

Bomb_Voyage: Nobody does.

Gary Medel: “Here, use this… while I undress even more.”

Bomberella: No one likes Vegemite.

Bomb_Voyage: His nickname is “The Fin”?

Bomberella: I think it’s “The Finn”

Bomberella: He’s from Finland.

Gary Medel: Finley “The Fin” O’Fins-a-fish

Gary Medel: He’s fin-omenal.

Bomberella: Ha!

Gary Medel: Is this an allegory for climate change? If so, it’s powerful.

Bomb_Voyage: Global warming: is there anything it can’t do?

Gary Medel: I love how it’s dark and overcast outside, but incredibly well-lit inside the bar. Nice continuity touch.

Bomberella: “It’s barely even raining. So, it’ll probably not going to rain harder.” Forecasting

Bomberella: I mean Foreshadowing

Bomberella: I love it when characters seem unhappily married.

Bomberella: And by love, I mean hate.

Gary Medel: I’m worried that George might forget about Taco Tuesdays.

Bomberella: “It is my problem because if this bar gets blown up we can forget about Taco Tuesdays.”

Bomb_Voyage: I love how we all just assume it’s totally normal that a certain number of people will be total idiots and go towards whatever disaster is threatening to wipe out the city/country.

Bomberella: Because it’s true.

Bomberella: I hate sharks because one bit me. Obviously.

Gary Medel: Eight ball, corner pocket… MUTHAFUCKA!

Bomb_Voyage: Although I’ll be honest, I think they’re overreacting with all the guns.

Bomberella: And they needed it to be well-lit so we could see how well Ian Ziering and John Heard have aged.

Bomb_Voyage: That is not how you defend your home against a hurricane.

Bomberella: But it is how you defend your home against a sharknado.

Bomb_Voyage: Tomorrow in Republican talking points: the body count wouldn’t have been so bad if only more citizens had guns to defend themselves against the hurricane!

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, shouldn’t it be called Sharkicane?

Bomb_Voyage: I’ve seen no evidence of a tornado, yet.

Bomberella: That’s what I said!

Bomb_Voyage: Well I said it cooler.

Gary Medel: Wasn’t there a tornado at the start?

Bomberella: Ouch.

Bomberella: And I think any funnel cloud over water is technically a hurricane.

Bomberella: Not sure, though.

Bomb_Voyage: Cyclone.

Gary Medel: Well, shit. Looks like we got Al Roker in the house.

Gary Medel: : )

Bomb_Voyage: Oops, no. Waterspout.

Bomb_Voyage: They’re all cyclones.

Bomb_Voyage: Well now that we’ve got that sorted out.

Gary Medel: This must’ve been what it was like in Haiti after the earthquake.

Gary Medel: (But with more flying sharks.)

Bomberella: They should have called it Sharklone to avoid this issue.

Bomb_Voyage: Ooh, good one.

Bomb_Voyage: Sharklone it is.

Bomberella: FIrst Shark Week reference: 25:00.

Bomberella: I love how it’s deep enough for sharks to swim through but this car is driving through it like it’s nothing.

Bomb_Voyage: They’re basically not even trying with the special effects.

Bomberella: John Heard is so pervy.

Bomb_Voyage: Sooo pervy.

Bomberella: Okay, I’m going to brake so everyone lurch forward at the same time.

Gary Medel: This CGI is incredible. We’ve come so far since “Jurassic Park.”

Bomb_Voyage: Oh he’s got a Land Cruiser, though. He probably can drive through pretty much whatever.

Bomberella: “It’s just a little wah-tah.” Love the Boston Rip.

Bomberella: Apparently he can drive through a sea of sharks.

Gary Medel: “We’re gonna need faith to get through that.” That and some better screenwriting.

Bomberella: And a bigger boat.

Bomberella: Help me! I locked my dog in the car and lost my keys!

Bomb_Voyage: I can’t tell yet if they’re having fun with this or if they’ve just given up because they’re so convinced they’ve got a winning title for the movie that they can just phone it in.

Bomberella: There’s still a lot of movie left.

Bomberella: And we haven’t seen much of Tara Reid.

Gary Medel: Grab the stool!

Bomberella: Good thing he had that stool!

Bomb_Voyage: I’m reasonably confident that the stool saves the day in the end.

Gary Medel: But don’t leave the stool!

Bomb_Voyage: So you always wanted to know what people yell while being eaten by a shark?

Bomb_Voyage: Now we know: “OW!!!”

Bomberella: https://www.youtube.com/wat…

Bomb_Voyage: At least the pervy guy died early.

Bomberella: Sad. He had top billing.

Gary Medel: Quick Poll: What’s your favorite shark so far — the tiger, the hammerhead, or the, uh, regular one?

Bomb_Voyage: My experiences as a surfer totally prepared me for driving a car through waves flooding LA.

Bomb_Voyage: Hammerheads are the best sharks, obviously.

Bomberella: My favorite is the hammerhead.

Gary Medel: That’s just his fin-osophy on life.

Bomberella: There’s no reason for their heads to be shaped that way. And yet…

Bomberella: @Gary, you are too punny.

Gary Medel: The hammerhead has #swag.

Bomb_Voyage:

Bomb_Voyage: Storm drains = shark guns.

Bomb_Voyage: Super Sharker 3000

Bomberella: Do you think they told the CGI guys “Make it rain”?

Bomberella: Also, we haven’t addressed the whole “sharks being able to breath in a tornado” situation…

Gary Medel: “And who is she?” “She’s the third prong of our subtle love triangle.”

Bomberella: Now it’s a love square…will it pass the Bechdel test? Not yet…

Bomb_Voyage: Haha stupid Colin.

Bomberella: Not a shock, the boyfriend bit it.

Bomberella: I mean, got bitten.

Bomb_Voyage: The sooner he gets eaten the better.

Gary Medel: YAAAAAAAS KWEEN!

Bomberella: “Looks like it’s that time of the month” seriously?

Bomberella: Ugh.

Gary Medel: Get it? It’s a PERIOD JOKE.

Bomb_Voyage: I hope somebody has calculated how much of the poles would have to melt in order for the water to rise that much.

Bomb_Voyage: Periods LOL.

Bomberella: Periods are never LOL.

Bomb_Voyage: Well, Colin’s a dick. Good riddance.

Bomberella: Also, that water is a lot bloodier than it should be for one dead guy and a shark that’s been shot.

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, the first floor is totally flooded but somehow there is no water on the driveway out front?

Bomberella: It came in through the bathroom window.

Bomb_Voyage: How is the house full of water?

Bomb_Voyage: Did I miss something?

Bomberella: I mean livingroom.

Gary Medel: Ooh, nice Beatles joke.

Bomberella: Thanks.

Bomb_Voyage: Tara Reid will never not listen to Ian Ziering again.

Bomb_Voyage: Pretty sure.

Bomberella: IDK I think she will again and then he will say, why do you doubt me? and she will say I don’t know, but I still love you and then they’ll kiss while a shark eats the other guy.

Bomb_Voyage: Wait she was out of ammo a minute ago.

Bomberella: She keeps it in her purse.

Gary Medel: Haha, she’s using a portable fucking television… the budget couldn’t even include cash for a smart phone?

Bomb_Voyage: I always carry a portable TV as a backup.

Bomberella: “What are you doing in Hollywood?” Again with the irrelevant issues, Ian.

Bomberella: Seriously.

Gary Medel: Ooh, another solid “make it rain” effect from the CGI crew.

Bomberella: Word.

Bomb_Voyage: Whoa, that shark has like shark torpedoes.

Gary Medel: Possible “Sharknado” Drinking Game: Any time someone mentions that the water is rising and/or the need to get to higher ground.

Bomb_Voyage: Fin to the rescue!

Bomb_Voyage: Fin saves EVERYONE!

Bomb_Voyage: Except the pervy guy.

Bomberella: I didn’t know there’d be remoras in this.

Bomberella: Also, I feel like the actual “sharknado” was overhyped.

Bomberella: It should have been called “Sharks in the Streets.”

Bomberella: Like “Snakes on a Plane.”

Gary Medel: Wow, this rescue attempt is fin-sanity.

Bomberella: It’s about to be fin-tastic.

Bomb_Voyage: I think “Sharks Basically Everywhere” would have been the obviously title.

Bomberella: ^True.

Bomb_Voyage: Slowest rescue ever.

Bomberella: A pulley?

Bomb_Voyage: That’s actually pretty realistic. I’m going to give points for that one.

Bomb_Voyage: That’s actually pretty much how you’d do this.

Bomberella: I feel like that wasn’t part of our “simple machines” unit in elementary school science.

Bomb_Voyage: If you had a weekend to rescue a busload of people.

Bomberella: Thank god for the cut-tos.

Gary Medel: The bus driver/teacher looks like the guy you’d hire for Syfy’s shitty Philip Seymour Hoffman biopic.

Bomberella: Ha! Yes.

Bomb_Voyage: Apparently if a shark gets aggressive with you punching it in the nose is actually a thing that works.

Bomberella: Too bad PSH didn’t do many SyFy movies.

Bomberella: Okay, it’s just Fin left.

Gary Medel: Just in the nose? Or can you punch it anywhere else?

Bomberella: I think the eyes also work.

Bomberella: The nose is especially sensitive, though.

Bomb_Voyage: http://www.smithsonianmag.c…

Bomb_Voyage: Punch the eyes, apparently.

Bomb_Voyage: Tara Reid just can’t stand hero Ian Ziering.

Bomberella: Time lapse clouds.

Bomberella: Oh look, it’s clearing up.

Bomberella: So the streets full of sharks will obviously recede.

Gary Medel: Do you think they hired a “shark consultant” for this film? You know, for accuracy?

Bomberella: Oh I hope so.

Bomb_Voyage: Men who rescue busloads of children are such losers.

Bomberella: I hope they had a shark wrangler.

Gary Medel: NOT THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN!

Bomberella: IT’S SO ICONIC!

Bomb_Voyage: In fairness: https://en.wikipedia.org/wi…

Bomberella: Ian Ziering is so fin-destructible.

Bomb_Voyage: Get it? Hollywood literally killed him.

Bomb_Voyage: That’s pretty good, actually.

Bomb_Voyage: I probably would have build a whole film around that joke.

Bomb_Voyage: If I made films.

Bomb_Voyage: SHARKNADOES!

Bomberella: Wait, now there are multiple Sharknadoes!

Gary Medel: Well, that’s where the idiom comes from: “Yikes, it’s raining cats and bloodthirsty sharks outside.”

Bomb_Voyage: I say that ALL THE TIME!

Bomberella: I always wondered where that came from.

Bomb_Voyage: I thought I was the only one.

Bomberella: Sometimes I leave out the bloodthirsty.

Bomberella: It’s fin-plied.

Bomb_Voyage: Once again, our heroes are driving through a quiet suburb in which literally nobody else is experiencing flying shark attacks.

Bomberella: They’re targeting the other guy. What’s his name.

Bomberella: The Australian.

Gary Medel: I’ve gotta admit, the shark teeth denting the car roof was a nice touch.

Bomb_Voyage: Cars don’t just randomly blow up even when they are leaking gas.

Bomberella: Do you think that’s covered, like hail damage?

Bomb_Voyage: But seriously, if you’ve got to seek shelter, a liquor store seems like a sensible place.

Gary Medel: “Like a good neighbor…”

Bomberella: Shark Farm is there!

Bomb_Voyage: “I see the way you look at my dad.” Ick.

Bomberella: I know this is the first time we’ve met and it’s a high-crisis situation and my mom had a boyfriend, but I see the way you look at my dad.

Bomb_Voyage: Did Tara Reid just grab a pregnancy test?

Bomberella: “It’s a government. Big, with a capital G.”

Gary Medel: Why would Fin break her heart? Perhaps he’s got a history of in-fin-delity.

Bomb_Voyage: Yes, a Hummer H2 is totally what you need. That’s the truck that got destroyed by trying to drive up a curb, if I recall correctly.

Bomberella: But California.

Bomberella: Hummers totally make sense.

Bomberella: Also, that guy’s accent comes and goes. Like a Karma Chameleon.

Bomb_Voyage: But this one has a nitrous button!

Bomb_Voyage: This is the dumbest.

Bomb_Voyage: “Why is there a retirement home near the airport?”

Bomb_Voyage: “Because old people can’t hear?”

Bomb_Voyage: Good point, Ian Ziering’s daughter!

Gary Medel: That NOS button just makes me want to pour one out for the late, great Paul Walker — a legend in the bad movie industry.

Bomberella: Agreed.

Bomb_Voyage: Thirded.

Gary Medel: Hold onto your butts.

Bomberella: Although, according to Urban Dictionary, the NOS can’t be activated with the push of a button.

Bomb_Voyage: With 28 minutes left, it’s possible the airplane hangar is where the Ultimate Showdown takes place.

Bomberella: How old are Ian Ziering and Tara Reid supposed to be?

Bomberella: Matt looks to be about 22?

Gary Medel: IMDB says the Z-Unit is 51.

Bomb_Voyage: Wait really?

Bomberella: Whaaaaaat.

Bomberella: Okay, maybe he has aged okay.

Gary Medel: Tara Reid on the other hand…

Bomb_Voyage: He looks really good for 51.

Bomb_Voyage: Tara Reid, however, has looked 51 since she was 15.

Bomberella: She’s only supposed to be 39.

Bomberella: Is that the secret subplot? She had a kid as a teen and that’s why she and the Z-man didn’t make it?

Bomberella: Yes, chainsaws.

Bomb_Voyage: I still feel like they’re overreacting.

Gary Medel: Bechdel Test Update: Pretty sure it still hasn’t been passed yet.

Bomberella: Still not sure this has passed the Bechdel test.

Bomberella: Jins.

Bomberella: *Jinx

Gary Medel: You owe me a Coke.

Bomberella: How ’bout a Land Shark instead?

Bomb_Voyage: I like how Z-daughter is tapping on her portable TV with her thumbs.

Bomberella: Women can’t be left to their own devices to talk to each other about anything other than men.

Gary Medel: “Are we really going to do that now? NOW?

Bomberella: Or they can talk to men.

Bomberella: But only in the presence of men.

Bomb_Voyage: “I came for you first.” GOOD POINT, DAD!

Gary Medel: (But only because you were geographically closer.)

Bomberella: “Because you’re weak and Matt’s in the air force, so he can take care of himself.”

Gary Medel: “So, is that a scar or just really shitty makeup?”

Bomberella: Oh good, we came back to the scar.

Gary Medel: “I was raised by sharks…”

Bomberella: How far away was this day fishing trip?

Bomberella: “Six people went into the water and one little girl came out. The sharks took the rest.”

Bomberella: Totally ripped off from Quint’s speech in Jaws

Gary Medel: Just curious, how old was the grandpa? He was probably knockin’ on death’s door anyway…

Bomberella: “you mean, ‘Dad the Sharknado’s coming.'”

Bomberella: And if Grandpa was like Ian Ziering he could have aged well.

Gary Medel: No wonder Nova’s so attracted to him. Those sexy, sexy genes.

Bomberella: You mean jeans.

Gary Medel: “Is that a hammerhead in those pants or are you just excited to see me?”

Bomberella: She finds him fin-teresting.

Gary Medel: Shades of the Dorothy plot device from “Twister” going on…

Bomb_Voyage: He seems awfully close to that tornado.

Bomberella: @Gary, I was just thinking that.

Bomb_Voyage: Er, Sharknado.

Bomberella: Sharklone.

Gary Medel: Sharkicane?

Bomberella: Sharterspout? Wait…

Gary Medel: Does Tara Reid just have a weed-whacker?

Bomb_Voyage: I think it’s actually a hedge trimmer.

Bomberella: A hammer-hedge trimmer.

Bomb_Voyage: Not your first choice for shark-killing.

Gary Medel: Hey, did you guys hear that? I think it’s Stan Winston rolling in his grave over these shark animatronics.

Bomberella: I wondered what that noise was.

Bomberella: So creaky.

Gary Medel: Get the fuck out of the pool, Karl.

Bomb_Voyage: Fucking Karl, always swimming during break.

Bomberella: Why does that meteorologist keep spelling her name? No one cares that it’s Jonni with an “i.”

Bomb_Voyage: How are the sharks in the tornadoes still alive?

Bomberella: I’m sorry are we supposed to believe that that shark on land would not only be alive but eating people?

Bomb_Voyage: Karl’s a dick, totally pulls that old lady into the pool for bait once the shark shows up.

Gary Medel: Haha, the guy in the red shirt had a fin-tastic death.

Bomb_Voyage: TIL pouring a gallon of gas on a pool makes it explode.

Bomberella: But no smoke.

Gary Medel: Who has ever lit a match, thrown it, and had it still stay lit? #NoOne

Bomberella: The Z-meister isn’t just anyone.

Bomb_Voyage: I’m trying to figure out how those bombs work, and I’m utterly at a loss. There’s a propane tank and a flare and a smoke detector, apparently?

Bomberella: Don’t forget the shark detector

Gary Medel: Pretty sure they used the same flare shot of Nova lighting the bomb all three times.

Bomberella: She lit it the same way.

Bomberella: Consistent

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, her name is Nova?

Bomb_Voyage: What the hell kind of name is that?

Bomb_Voyage: If you aren’t a stripper I mean.

Bomberella: A scientific one.

Bomb_Voyage: Or potentially a hacker.

Gary Medel: Someone who knows how to handle a goddamn gun, that’s who.

Bomberella: Well, I guess that solved the love triangle issues.

Bomb_Voyage: I bet they just went to an actual old folks home and were like “Who wants to be in a movie!”

Bomberella: Oh man, I wish they did that in my neighborhood.

Bomb_Voyage: I think the sharks are getting a bad rap here. It’s really the tornado that’s the bad guy. It’s just chucking the sharks around like bullets.

Bomberella: Ian Ziering is determined to save everyone.

Gary Medel: Ooh, the shark landed right on Spielberg’s concrete signature! Nice touch.

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage, true.

Bomb_Voyage: Poor shark-bullets.

Bomberella: But I feel like we’re also conditioned to hate tornadoes, being in the Midwest.

Gary Medel: Yeah, the real villain is climate change.

Bomberella: ^word.

Bomb_Voyage: I think I read somewhere that you might actually be able to stop a tornado with a bomb though.

Bomberella: And the person who didn’t name this Sharklone.

Bomb_Voyage: So they maybe kinda sorta got something nearly right.

Bomberella: I’m amazed they haven’t figured out how to stop one with a smartphone.

Bomberella: You can program everything else.

Bomberella: Why not weather?

Bomb_Voyage: Quick! Hack your way into this shark!

Bomb_Voyage: No, not with a chainsaw, you Luddite.

Bomberella: After he pushed Claudia out ofhte way, was it really necessary to jump into the belly of the shark?

Bomb_Voyage: It was. Because badass.

Bomb_Voyage: Also how else would he have found Nova.

Bomberella: Grossass is more lik it.

Bomb_Voyage: BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING!

Bomberella: I DIDN’T!

Bomberella: Amazing that it was the same shark.

Bomberella: Out of all the sharks raining down from the sky.

Bomb_Voyage: What are the chances?

Bomb_Voyage: There are no chances because everything in this movie is ridiculous.

Gary Medel: I’d love to hear what directions were given to the actors for their reaction shots. “OK, I need the three of you to look like you just saw Ian Ziering rise like a phoenix, get swallowed Jonah-style by a shark, and chainsaw his way to freedom.”

Bomberella: What are the chances he didn’t stab her with the chainsaw when he was jumping in.

Bomb_Voyage: Karl is totally looking at the walker-lady’s ass.

Bomb_Voyage: Fucking Karl.

Bomberella: And yes, those sound like accurate directions.

Bomb_Voyage: Two pervs.

Bomberella: Karl.

Bomb_Voyage: Note to lovebirds: people covered in shark blood are not candidates for making out.

Bomb_Voyage: No exceptions.

Bomberella: Her name’s not actually Nova. #sanityrestored

Bomb_Voyage: Do not make out with shark-blood-covered people.

Bomb_Voyage: Literally nobody thinks that’s sexy.

Bomberella: But how am I supposed to get dates, then?

Gary Medel: So, because this was made-for-TV, did it win an Oscar® or an Emmy®?

Bomberella: Love this Shark Chant at the en.

Bomberella: *end

Bomberella: I think it won a Tony.

Bomb_Voyage: I dunno, but I really want to watch Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark now.

Gary Medel: “And the Academy Award for Best Original Song goes to…”

Bomb_Voyage: That movie sucked. But it was fun. I’m torn on the star rating.

Bomberella: Well, @Bomb_Voyage, you’ll just have to wait two weeks. Because that’s when we’re watching it.

Bomberella: That movie did suck.

Bomberella: I give it a solid 2. It failed Bechdel. FOR NO REASON.

Bomberella: And too many pervs.

Bomberella: Not enough Sharknadoes.

Bomberella: Also, missed opportunity to call it Sharklone.

Bomberella: But it was entertaining.

Bomb_Voyage: I think 2 stars is fair.

Bomberella: And I appreciated the homages.

Bomb_Voyage: 2 mildly entertaining stars.

Bomberella: @Gary Medel?

Gary Medel: Quick Question: What is everyone’s Netflix “recommended” suggestion to watch next? Mine is the first episode of “Grace and Frankie.”

Gary Medel: Two stars out of…?

Gary Medel: Four or five?

Bomberella: Mine’s Mega Shark v. Mecha Shark.

Bomberella: And I think five.

Bomberella: Yes, five.

Bomberella: The Netflix allotted number of stars.

Gary Medel: Hmm… probably two.

Bomb_Voyage: My next recommendation is also Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark. Because Netflix knows I love bad movies.

Gary Medel: Apparently the third installment to this series (It’s a series?) is titled “Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!”

Bomb_Voyage: Although Mecha Shark shoots fire out of its mouth and flies, from what I can tell, so I’m totally in for that.

Bomberella: Well, there you have it. Solid two. And we’ll be watching Shark Week next week, followed by Mega Shark v. Mecha Shark. And then Sharknado 2: The Second One.

Bomb_Voyage: Sharknado 4: Ian Ziering is HOW OLD?

Gary Medel: Have you guys ever reviewed “Piranha 3D”?

Bomberella: We haven’t, but we should.

Bomberella: Sharknado Five: Alive!

Gary Medel: I think it’d be a fun addition to all this maritime mayhem.

Bomberella: Sharknado Six: John Heard’s Revenge.

Bomberella: Well, @Gary, it is the summer of monsters.

Bomberella: If it’s on Netflix streaming, we can add it to the list.

Gary Medel: Shucks. Sadly, it is not.

Bomberella: Shoot. Oh well.

Bomberella: We’ve always got C.H.O.M.P.S.

Bomberella: Thanks for joining us @Gary and @T (and everyone else)! Tune in next Tuesday for Shark Week!

The post Cinéma Atroce: Sharknado appeared first on Bitter Empire.

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