Dear God. Has there really been five weeks of this? Tonight is the Iowa Caucus, but aside from the trivia that Farmer Chris participated in a caucus, it does not matter at all because this is the Bachelor, where women are hysterical and men are in charge. Now let’s Make ABC Great Again!

Ben welcomes us to Mexico with a “VIVA LA MEXICO!” I definitely speak better Spanish than Bachelor Ben. Yes, we are in glamorous Mexico City, for the next leg of our long national Bachelor nightmare–now international. Amanda is the lucky girl with the date card, and for some reason a very chipper Ben wakes her up for the date at 4:20 (ha ha) AM. Well, first he wakes up all the other women, some of whom are sharing beds at the Mexico City Four Seasons. Cheap, Bachelor. Cheap.

Some of the women are horrified that Ben has seen them in the morning, but fortunately Amanda wakes up looking beautiful and is overjoyed to be going out with Ben.

Their date is a hot air balloon ride over Teotihuacan, followed by laying around in a meadow, followed by Amanda telling Ben her sad story of how she became a single mother because her husband didn’t want to spend time with her or their kids and was also a compulsive cheater.

Olivia tries to snark to an oblivious Lauren H. about Amanda being a mom, which is probably why when the group date goes around, Annoying Racist Teacher Lauren H. winds up with the solo date and Olivia and all the others go on a group date. Ha ha, Olivia. Ha ha.

The group date starts with a Spanish lesson. Ben learns how to declare his love for all the women en español, and Jubilee rightly rolls her eyes as he tries it on her. She’s ready to go off the rails about the reality of sharing one dude with fifteen thousand other women, and I am so here for it.


The next phase of the group date is pairs cooking, and Olivia volunteers to be with Ben since there’s an odd number of women. Jubilee and Olivia fight over it, but Olivia wins because she usually does. Newly-solo Twin Emily mocks her and her bad breath and Ben later “samples some fresh mint” with Olivia, confirming Emily’s suspicions about Olivia’s breath. Jubilee and Lauren B. don’t talk a lot while cooking, but their dish wins. JoJo is tasked with all the innuendo tonight and keeps making references to the men who’ve sampled her taco. JoJo, I’m too good for these cheap jokes.

After the contest, Olivia grabs Ben first again! Jubilee voiceovers that the group dating situation is hard. It seems hard, Jubilee! But I’m not sure that pouting sadly and waiting for him to notice you is the right strategy!

Ben goes and has nice moments with other women including Lauren B., then finally goes to get Jubilee. She rejects an offer to hold hands and lays her discomfort with being “overshadowed” on him. They have a pretty serious heart-to-heart and Ben is concerned she is pulling back. Jubilee asks him not to give up on her.

The other girls debate what is going on between Ben and Jubilee. As it turns out, Ben is telling her he’s just not that into her. I cringe myself into a wormhole of cringingness. He tells her it’s best if she leave, and walks her out. On a show that feels very fake all the time, this feels heart crushingly sad. Jubilee declares herself to be unlovable. I hope Jubilee is the next Bachelorette!

He gives the group date rose to Olivia. All the other girls are mad. I hope this leads to SOME DRAMA!

Lauren H.’s date is to a fancy clothing store. Then it just so happens to be fashion week, and they’re invited. And then they’re invited to walk in fashion week. Suddenly this show is America’s Next Top Wife and I for one could not be more excited. Unfortunately no one tells Lauren H. to smize. She models awkwardly.


They go to dinner, she spills her guts about her ex who cheated on her.

(It seems weird how many of these women have the same backstory of being cheated on, then choosing to go on a reality show where they will be forced to watch the man they’re dating date twenty five other women simultaneously, but no one pays me for my skills as a Freudian, so let’s move on.)

Heading into the cocktail party, everyone hates Olivia. It gets compounded by Olivia suggesting that Amanda is a “teen mom.” Way to go, Olivia. Emily takes Ben aside to tell him that Olivia is THE WORST. She also calls her missing twin Haley to complain about Olivia.

Olivia tries to interrupt, but Ben, detective that he is, gets input from the other women about Olivia’s behavior. After talking to everyone, Ben decides to take Olivia aside…The women speculate he might take her rose away because even though that’s never happened before… he’s making the rules here.

Will he take her group date rose away from her? Will he send her packing back to America? You’ll have to turn in next week on…THE BACHELOR.

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