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Flipping through channels the other day, we came across the best new show on television: Treetop Cat Rescue (Animal Planet, Saturdays 10/9c) It has it all: drama, intrigue, cats trapped in trees. We’ve seen nothing like it. We feel confident that it rivals the famed Finding BigFoot as a contender for most suspenseful teevee show ever made.

Seriously. What is the likelihood that those jerks are going to find BigFoot? As we all learned from Harry Dresden, Sasquatch are both psychic and possessing of powerful magics, so they can probably avoid rednecks crashing through the woods. Cats, on the other hand, are forever getting stuck in awkward places and expecting their indentured servants to rescue them.

And so, we settled in for a riveting half hour of cat calamities.

The premise of the show is complex: cats living in the Pacific Northwest escape their homes in a fit of pique, and then climb into giant trees. We assume this is because cats are assholes.

After the cat has managed to get itself appropriately terrified, the cat’s so-called “owner” calls the Canopy Cat Rescue in:

  1. A calm, rational manner
  2. A hysterical, crying fit
  3. A state of studied indifference

Can you guess the answer?! Hint, it’s not A or C.

The Catmen from Canopy Cat Rescue rush out, literally at any time of the day or night, because they are literally the nicest doodz who ever lived. And we’re totally serious about that. They all have day jobs, they operate the rescue foundation on donations, and provide their services free for anyone who needs to rescue their cat (or other animals for that matter) from the top of a giant freakin’ tree. They are way nicer than we are.

Confused about the show’s premise? Let us help you with this handy dandy explanatory graphic from the show:

The first rescue that kept us riveted was that of Earl. Earl is a big-boned tuxedo cat who somehow climbed forty feet into the air. In the dark. Tom arrives on the scene and says, “Oh so, he’s pretty friendly then?” Earl’s people look at each other, and then at the ground. An awkward silence descends over the group. Now, if Tom was the kind of asshole that is employed by a blog called Bitter Empire, he would have made a crack about Earl being a pretty average cat, then. But instead, he takes out his tree climbing ropes and ascends into the tree. Earl, predictably hisses and screeches at Tom. And so, after much ambivalence is demonstrated, Tom descends the tree, because Earl is a jerk who doesn’t want any help.

The moment Tom descends from the tree, rustling is heard. “Oh no!” shouts everyone involved. And, suddenly Earl has leapt to his death. No. NO! Earl has safely landed on the ground. All is well in Earl’s household and he goes on to lead a happy, tree-free life.

See, Earl really did make it through his harrowing experience.

And then, things devolved.

Another episode came on, and we couldn’t stop. There we were again with the Shaun and Tom, watching paralyzed with fear for both man and cat.

Shaun tells us that many things can spook cats into trees: dogs, other cats…and also just because your cat is a dick.

We are then treated to a montage of cranky cat screaming. This show is the best.

Spaz is the next kitty in need of saving. Jennifer, Spaz’s owner, believes that he has been trapped in the tree for three weeks. Shaun takes this at face value and rushes to the rescue. Those of us at home are far bigger jerks than Shaun, because we are maybe just a little sceptical about of Spaz’s story. We wonder if perhaps Spaz has been sneaking out of the tree to eat delicious foodz when no one is looking because otherwise Spaz would have died a horrible death from starvation. Shaun, in his voice over, finally voices a similar understanding. But Shaun is far less judgey about it than we would be.

It’s possible we then proceeded to binge watch the entire season.

If you like cats, trees, and shouting at the teevee because Shaun and Tom are way too nice, we promise, you too will love Treetop Cat Rescue.

The post This Is What Happened When We Binge-Watched ‘Treetop Cat Rescue’ appeared first on Bitter Empire.