Be my friend, Jorge. Let’s hang out. Also, I’m sorry there aren’t too many screencaps, but it’s just because I don’t care about anyone on this terrible show anymore except Jorge.

TODAY IN PARADISE…Joe is freaking out. Jade says it’s because he realizes he is not as hot as Samantha, which, AGREED. It’s really nice how many of the people on this show wind up saying the things I’m thinking. It means we’re all on the same page.

Samantha decides not to go on the date with Justin, so he takes Amber, who agrees to go in order to make Dan jealous. If this middle school dating hijinks is making you roll your eyes, welcome to my world. Amber is giddy-eager over making Dan jealous, so I look forward to her inevitable dumping. The Justin/Amber date is wandering through Sayulita, which is a very pretty place, and I’m going to take all this recapping money and go to Mexico when/if this show ends. If it ends. They salsa dance. Justin is wearing top siders. Amber takes off his shirt and seemingly does not acknowledge his horrific full body sunburn. They make out right in the middle of the dance floor and just a point of etiquette here, that’s a really rude thing to do and it throws off all the other dancers. Not ok, Sunburn guy and Amber.

Then Dan tells Amber he’s just not that into her. She says she wants to crawl into the ocean and float away. Been. There. And uh, guess who Dan is into?? SAMANTHA!

Chris arrives! Chris has been on the Bachelor(ette) franchise five billion times. He gets super drunk and parties and leaps into the pool sideways. Everyone is complaining because he seems to not be here for the right reasons. Personally, his reasons seem to be to get drunk and have a good time in Mexico, which seems totally legitimate to me but then I’m not on the show. He decides to ask Disney Princess Tenley out, which goes about as well as you can expect given that he is, in Carly’s words, “schwasty-faceded.” He gives the date to Joshua, who asks Tenley, leaving Chris to some kind of existential crisis (I CAN RELATE). He takes off his mic pack so you know it’s serious, and goes off into Bachelor in Paradise: Heart of Darkness.

Joshua and Tenley go with a celebrity chef to a market in Guadalajara and then to his restaurant. At the gigantic awesome market, they eat “aphrodisiac cheese,” and Joshua says it’s working. For me the indication that cheese is working is horrific indigestion, so hopefully that’s not his idea of romantic.

Dan tells Carly he’s into Samantha. Carly does a way better job of not rolling her eyes than I would have. Carly might have a future in this TV thing. Somehow Joe and Samantha are back together and it’s like breaking up with a dude on his birthday means nothing in paradise, NOTHING.

AND NOW A FASHION NOTE: Every woman on this show has worn a romper. It’s very distracting. How do they pee?

Now it’s time for pre-rose bargaining, with the dudes trying to get the ladies to give them stuff.

Ashley I. gives Jared a letter.

ashley letter

I can make out the words “Hell, I can’t even think Kardashian.”

Justin tries to hit up Amber, but Amber decides to make this bad situation even worse by asking Jared if he’ll accept her rose. He’s non committal. Amber then decides to tell Ashley I. about her interest in Jared, because girl code or something. That is the opposite of girl code. Ashley I. keeps talking about Jared’s perfect face, which she clearly wants to make a mask out of and wear around her house.

Dan then violates bro code by going to Samantha and telling her what a dick Joe is. Halfway through this talk Joe takes her aside and makes out with her before returning her to Dan. Slick, I guess?

Carly’s rose goes to Kirk, Jade’s to Tanner, Tenley’s to Joshua, Juelia to Mikey, and then things get a little odd. Ashley S. decides to give hers to Nick, with her usual charm. Ashley I. picks Jared, of course, and he accepts guiltily, like he’s the senior guy putting up with a freshman’s declarations of love, too nice to tell her to go away. Amber picks Justin because she’s bad at this Paradise thing.

Samantha gets up there and gives her rose to Dan. I thought everyone would be super excited to get rid of Joe but it leads to even more drama, and everyone’s talking about how untrustworthy she is. Sorry, Sam. Joe even gets the luxury of chewing her out before being tossed in the Escalade of Shame. Ashley S. is in here somewhere full on calling Samantha out and it’s pretty great, and into this madness a super hyper blonde named Chelsie shows up.

Joe shows the texts in the car. They are boring, they clearly don’t say “fake seduce the widowed single mom like some sort of sociopath.” (During After Paradise, Harrison produces a leather-bound book that Joe apparently created that is entirely Joe and Samantha text messages. Not creepy at all.)

We are now in a Joe-free paradise. This is not a drill! To celebrate, Juelia gets bit by a jellyfish and has Tenley pee on her. This is the world’s most dignified show!

Chelsie is cute and everyone wants her to go on a date with Dan, to spite Samantha, apparently. This is how complex the plot is here. She asks Nick. The date is on a yacht, where Nick seems not that into Chelsie, but she does get to do a tiny dance and say “I’m on a boat,” so it’s not all bad for her. She wins by saying, “This is probably what it’s like to be Usher or Beyonce.”

My TV cuts out as they’re discussing Ashley S.’s antics, which apparently include telling Carly that not wanting to wear her red lipstick is not how you treat Jesus, or something? Ashley S. is probably going home but I love her!

Dan is all over Samantha. Amber is pretty delusional over Justin, but to be fair, she seems to be delusional over everything. Honestly, Amber keeps constructing her own love triangles that collapse because she is the only one actually participating in them. Find some chill, Amber.

Mackenzie is from Chris’s season. Her son’s name is Kale! Mackenzie takes Justin on her date mostly because he also has a kid. Their date is getting fake married by a shaman? Fake weddings for everyone! Originally she thought the date had something to do with aliens. I don’t know if the fake marriage is better or worse than aliens. She is very convinced that they are legitimately married, and Justin is just thinking Ashley S. looks like a genius in comparison.

Jaclyn from way early in the Bachelor series enters. She is wearing a romper, of course. Juelia tries to tell her who is taken but Jaclyn does not care, y’all. She refers to the show as “cupid’s rejects.”

She zeroes in on Jared because she is also hungry for faces, and Ashley I. pulls out her secret weapon: her V card. She gets Harrison to give her a date that leads to a fantasy suite. Will Ashley I. lose her virginity in paradise??? Who else is going to fall in love with Samantha? And does peeing on a jellyfish sting really work????

I think this terrible show full of terrible people ends next week and if we’re being honest, I will sort of miss it. Watching these weirdos try to fall in love against all odds week after week really meant something to me. Not sure what, but definitely something.

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