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Across the country, law students are entering their august institutions. We here at Bitter Lawyer are happy to guide these students through the perils of their epic quest for a J.D. by reposting helpful tidbits provided by those that came before them. Stand on the shoulders of bitter giants, students.

Originally posted: June 14, 2010

They say you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Which, if you’re in law school, means you shouldn’t let any of these eight rat bastards out of your sight for even a minute.

1The Master Debater. A typical conversation with him goes like this:

My parents always told me I should be a lawyer. You know why? Because I love to argue. I argue all the time about everything. And I always win arguments. Seriously, I’ve never lost an argument.

What he means: He’s a social retard who fights over everything and absolutely refuses to admit when he’s wrong. His parents wanted him to be a lawyer so he would finally find someone else to argue with and maybe stop being such an asshole all the time.

Listen for the following red flags repeated intermittently throughout his precious arguments: “Clearly,” “obviously,” and “it’s completely unreasonable to think that…”

What you won’t hear: References to facts, cases, statutes, or any other recognizable, non-self-centric authority.

When he loses his very first argument—which he will—one of two things will happen: (1) He will fall into a deep, inconsolable, self-loathing depression; (2) like Obi-Wan, he will become a bigger asshole than you can possibly imagine, blaming the loss on anything and everything except his own lack of ability.

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