The semester is in full swing. In fact, many students may actually already be thinking about finals. Although this doesn’t apply to any of the students we know, because it’s possible this current crop of scholars believe they learn through some sort of osmosis. Not the kind of osmosis that happens by actually showing up to class, however, ’cause that’s not happening.

But we here at Bitter Empire are the magnanimous types and so we thought “perhaps it’s just a lack of true guidance.” Guidance that can only be provided by adjunct faculty members with no job security and the kind of pay you expect the bookstore clerks make.

And so, today we bring you five excuses your prof won’t accept.

1. “I chose to challenge myself by not including any references in my paper outside of what was said in class.”

Let’s start by saying – dude, you do not need to make this assignment more challenging. The challenge for you is writing coherent sentences. But even if you were the best student that had ever graced these hallowed halls, it’s not called a research paper because all the profs got together and voted on their favorite word to precede “paper.”

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