Bachelor Ben is taking the women to VEEEGGGAAAAASSSS! Everyone has to say it with that level of drunk sorority sister excitement in order to get Harrison to let them on the private jet. In Vegas, they are staying in a corner suite with views of the scenic Las Vegas strip (drunk tourists at night, sunburnt drunk tourists by day). The first date card goes to JoJo, whose name is Joelle, who voluntarily goes by JoJo, which is still a dog’s name.

Olivia says she’s not jealous of JoJo’s date because “Ben is my zen.” Olivia is eminently quotable in this episode, so strap in.

For JoJo’s date, there’s another freakin’ helicopter. The helicopter causes a table that Ben and JoJo are standing at to fall over, which leads to a kiss as they shield themselves from the helicopter behind the fallen table.

Was the PA who set up that flimsy cocktail table an idiot, or a diabolical genius?

The other women, who can see the whole helicopter deal, immediately turn away in SHOCK HORROR from the kissing.

Immediately after, Olivia in her interview looks like she has been crying for days. Does Ben own any bunnies? He should hide them. The next group date is announced and it includes everyone except Becca, who will get the next one on one. Olivia looks even more despondent.

On their date, JoJo tells Ben she was cheated on in her last relationship. She’s a lot more circumspect in her description, in that bland job interview way where you’re basically saying your former boss was terrible but you’re saying stuff like “We had different priorities” but I think that’s what happened. They watch fireworks explode over the strip and make out.

Somehow the other women know the fireworks are for the Bachelor and not, say, generally for Las Vegas things, and Olivia cries that she knows Ben is her husband and can’t handle him making out with other women.

On the group date, they are taken to a theater and greeted by a grown man with a puppet. I’m sure most people know who this person is, but I’m just going to consider him the puppet master. The women are told they will have a talent show. This leads to a lot of incredulous laughter and many of the women say things like “I have no talent.” The twins, of course, do Irish dancing. Sure. They’ll all be opening for the puppet master. Seems appropriate for this show.

Olivia doesn’t have a talent, apparently, but mostly intends to come out in a showgirl costume and shimmy. About Ben, Olivia says: “When I’m with him…bam…sha-bam.” Let’s discuss this: clearly a producer talked to Olivia and suggested that if she didn’t have a talent, she could dress up like a showgirl–or was this Olivia’s idea? Before the public performance, she really seemed to think her talent was clever, so maybe Olivia played herself, AS THE KIDS SAY.

The twins Irish dance in dirndls, for some reason. Jubilee plays the cello. A blonde woman juggles. Another blonde woman hula hoops. Caila does a belly dance. Olivia…pops of out of a cake.

It’s not entertaining, but it’s whatever. Olivia has a total meltdown after her “performance,” and retreats to a bathroom to hyperventilate. She basically feels like walking around in a showgirl costume and shimmying is NOT marriage material. Olivia, we’ve all made mistakes in Vegas. You need to pull yourself up by your garter straps and move on! You have bunnies to boil!

Caila grabs Ben and they retreat to a corner, where she turns into a “sex panther,” per Ben. The other women do some slut shaming of Olivia since “the way she was today,” makes her not the right woman for Ben.Ben grabs Lauren H. and a puppet. He makes her kiss the puppet.

Sorry, there was no way to make that not sound dirty.

Olivia talks to Ben, and it seems to go well, but she gets interrupted and then spends time with the other women not-quietly freaking out.

Lauren B. the flight attendant, is “falling” for Ben. The score is that all the girls are in love with Ben, and Olivia wants to take him home and hobble him and keep him in her house forever. Accordingly, Olivia interrupts a conversation between a twin and Ben. Ben reassures her, again. Lauren B. gets the group date rose, and Olivia says it “hurts [her] brain.”

For Becca’s date, Becca receives a wedding dress to wear. She’s picked up in a pink Cadillac and taken to the Little White Chapel, where Ben is in a tux. On one knee, Ben asks her if she will “marry…other people with me today?” Ben shows his certificate of ordination (I don’t really think that’s a word). Becca changes out of the wedding dress and into some strange lacey Priscilla Presley dress. The first couple are pretty tolerant of Ben’s fumbling services as an officiant. They marry all kinds of couples, from the guy in the tuxedo shirt to the dude who kisses his bride awkwardly on both cheeks. Then they go to the Neon Museum, which is awesome! Quality date location, Ben (I mean Bachelor producers)!

Ben has questions for Becca. Boring questions. As people on TV go, they’re both television Xanax; by the time they’re reciting “vows” to each other, I’ve reached a new level of bored with both of them.

The next day, Harrison shows up to tell the twins they get a surprise two-on-one date! That they take to their home! Earlier, the show kindly reminded us that the twins live together, work together, have the same car, and are basically the same person.

One twin explains to Ben that it’s ok for him to pick one over the other. I would love for one of them to be left behind because then I could refer to them by name instead of by their job title, “twin.” I’m very sorry, but I can’t tell them apart. On the other hand, I can’t tell who half these women are anyway, twin or not, so.

The other twin throws her sister under the bus by saying she’s not as into Ben or the process as she is. Brutal. TWIN FIGHT.

Ben picks Emily! She will be allowed to keep a name. The other twin is left behind at home with her strange tiny, tubby dogs.

During the cocktail party, Olivia acts like a psychopath as always. Her incessant unhinged narration over the rose ceremony adds that touch of Joker that this show has been missing.

Ben sends home Amber and Rachel. Amber goes and curls up on a pool chair and cries and monologues to herself about being hurt again. This is Amber’s third time on a Bachelor show, so I’m not sure why she’s still new to this.

Next week, we go to Mexico, where I’m certain all the women will conduct themselves in a respectable manner!

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