Welcome back! I had two drinks on Valentine’s Day and fell asleep by 8:30, so I missed the Bachelor reunion, and I’m pretty sure this site doesn’t want or need STILL MORE coverage of Bachelor Nation, so let’s just all agree that we sort of miss The Bachelor Live and wish Jade and Tanner the best on their publicly televised marriage and move on, shall we??

Tonight! Ben is from Indiana, or Iowa or something. All the states in the middle look the same to me, a godless west coaster. Please direct your hate mail to my editor.

It’s fall in the tiny Indiana town Ben is from. Ben gets a chance to give his own recap to his (still super horny for each other) parents. Ben’s dad gives a hearty laugh when he learns Ben got to choose between twins. I’m certain they cut out his dad’s “NICE!” Ben’s mom sounds like she is lying when she says she thinks Ben can find love on this show.

The women arrive in Warsaw, Indiana. Emily says it’s such a cute town she wants to have his babies immediately. I personally don’t get horny for small towns but I can see how a girl who lives in Vegas would fall for a little foliage.


Lauren1 was worried Leah’s scheming against her in the Bahamas might work against her, but luckily Ben has a short memory and Leah was insane, so she gets to go on a tour of Warsaw with Ben. Smoothly, Ben points out the hotel that used to be a movie theater (huh?) as the place he had his first kiss, then kisses her. Silky smooth, this guy! He takes her to the youth club where he worked, and a kid sinks a pretty remarkable half court shot on a bet (since Ben is the “loser” of this bet, Ben gets to kiss Lauren. What a bet!). Ben’s not alone, though: he brings a few players from the Indiana Pacers. I don’t know basketball but both men and the mascot (which seems to be some sort of cat?) are very nice. I can’t snark on this youth club stuff.


Ben consoles a crying kid and helps a toddler dunk. You’re dull, Indiana Ben, but you’re NICE TO KIDS, and that’s what matters. At the end of the date, Lauren declares her love for Ben to the cameras.

JoJo and Ben go to Chicago for their date. I can’t believe that we are already out of Warsaw, Indiana sites to tour. They go to Wrigley Field, where they wear Cubs jerseys that say “Mr. and Mrs. Higgins.” JoJo looks for a minute like she’s going to object to the idea that she’s going to take his name, but pretends it’s ok because it’s on TV. They run around Wrigley looking ridiculous. JoJo is as unfamiliar with the rules of baseball as she was the rules of soccer.


Eventually they settle into the outfield for a dinner where they talk about the same crap everyone on this show talks about. “Oh, I’m nervous about falling in love,” “Oh me too,” [tonsil hockey]. I still feel strongly that JoJo has been friendzoned.

Caila, Amanda, and Becca get to go on a group date. Emily cries with joy when she realizes she gets a one on one date. First, Ben takes the women out on some kind of Notebook reenactment. They go out on a lake (Becca and Amanda row in one boat, Caila rows with Ben in another, no one except Caila and Ben is ok with this), they fly kites. Then Ben takes them into a barn to explain that the rose on this date means that the other two get to go back to the house and one continues on, on her own one on one. Cool twist to a boring group date, I think, as the Stockholm Syndrome settles in. He talks to each woman individually. Caila’s hair looks like a goddamn commercial for having great bouncy hair and is quite frankly a little distracting. Ben gives the rose to Amanda and takes her out of the barn in a limo. Becca and Caila take a limo ride of shame. Becca is pretty pissed, whereas Caila says she feels like maybe she is moss with no tree to grow on (?) and as a result might not be the one for Ben. We don’t know how Ben feels about moss, it’s true.

Ben takes Amanda to McDonalds…it’s probably the cleanest, neatest McDonalds in the history of time. They go behind the counter and help with the drive thru. The corporate synergy is OFF THE CHARTS you guys. In fact, I may abandon this recap to go have an evening Egg McMuffin!


Amanda and Ben talk a bit about the tiny elephants in the room, her kids. Then they go to a carnival and the mayor of Warsaw welcomes them. Small town mayors are the best! At the end of the date, Amanda is confident that she wants Ben to meet her kids.

Emily’s date is at Ben’s house! She gets to meet his parents! His mom says, gently, “she’s very…young.” Ben’s mom is great. “He definitely has a lot to think about.” Ben’s mom is the queen of subtle burns. Then she pulls out the big guns and cries a little bit thinking about whether Emily is ready to marry Ben. I mean…you can’t pick the girl that made your mom cry with her nonstop jabbering, or can you?

Ben takes Emily back to the house all the women are staying in and on the dock tells her, “I just can’t see you being my wife.” At the end of the conversation, he does not push her off the dock, which seems like a missed opportunity, producers. Emily tells the women the story, cries, and leaves. Ben drives off in a boat. Unlike a lot of the others, Emily does not swear off love entirely. Good for you, Emily! You might be young, but you are classy.

Ben and Harrison sit on the steps of a generic Warsaw building and discuss Ben’s feelings. Becca, who is clearly going home, says that she feels like she might be going home. At Harrison’s urging, Ben magically realizes there is one lady with whom he has not connected with as strongly. Spoiler for the next thirty seconds: it is Becca.


She goes home. Our final four are JoJo, Amanda, Caila, and Lauren. Bye, Becca. Ben takes her aside to explain himself, but she still seems peeved. In the limo, Becca says she wants someone to love her. So…see you on Bachelor in Paradise?

The outtakes for this episode are of the women facing down Indiana’s apparently sizeable bug population.


Honestly it was the best part of this week’s episode. See you next week, when JoJo’s brother apparently makes Ben cry? Nice.

  1. Lauren B. is the last Lauren standing so she will now be known as simply Lauren

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